Merry Christmas!

Mama on the run!

So, today marks a full month since my water broke (actually, Sunday morning at 9am). I have only been outside three times since then, and once in three weeks. My mom called me this a.m. and said "Erin, you need to get outside today!". I agreed. Joe had said the same thing earlier this a.m., and I woke up ready to take the next step. Once Amelia had a good feeding this afternoon, I handed her to Joe and told him to call my cell phone if he needs me. Then, I set out to Central Square on foot to buy the last of my Christmas gifts.
I felt like a teenager sneaking out at night (let's hope that Amelia does not take after me as a teen). I felt a nervous thrill as I huffed it, singlemindedly, to the Gap. I noticed the holiday decorations and lights, since I had last been out the day after Thanksgiving when decorations were just being set. I passed anyone who was walking even mildly fast, walked into the Gap, grabbed a gift within two minutes of being in the store, and made my way to the counter. The retail clerk asked me "how are you today?" To which I replied (in one breath), "Good, my newborn is at home, need to get back before she needs another feeding..." The clerk replied "Ah. Congratulations. Don't worry, she'll be fine." So, I asked her, "oh, do you have kids??" To which she replied, "No." Oh. Somehow, though, it reassured me momentarily that all was well.
I quickly left the store and began my speed walk back home... until I passed a Starbucks. I was feeling adventurous now, but didn't want to press my luck. I called Joe to see if Amelia was ok, and he told me she was awake and content. So, I stopped off to treat myself to a Starbucks! Oh, the luxury! Then, I huffed it back home with a smile on my face as if I'd just summitted a mountain.
This whole adventure took about 20 minutes, and Amelia was happily swaddled and resting on Daddy's chest when I returned. I was so chatty when I arrived home, after so many days of being inside. Freedom never tasted so good!
(As a last note, I saw a woman with a toddler (girl) on my way and felt so excited at the thought of Amelia and I out in the world!)

A New Day, A New Woman

Yesterday, shortly after that blog posting, a post-partum doula came to take care of us for a few hours. It was a gift from my mother-in-law. When the doula arrived, I told her I had reached a low and was exhausted. She told me that I must nap, and then she made me lunch, did laundry, and took Amelia. I showered, slept a bit, and, mostly, enjoyed the company of another woman. By the time Joe came home, I was re-energized and feeling great. Joe asked me what I learned from the visit with the doula, since he noticed such a change in me. I gave it a moment of thought, and replied "that I need help!"
In every other culture, women are surrounded by other women and cared for following child birth for weeks. They rely on each other for emotional support, and help each other to cope and adjust. Our society tends to be so isolating for new moms. I am already so fortunate to have the support of the mama's group. Two of the mamas came to visit this week and drop off meals. Again, its their presence and empathy and encouragement, though, that I most valued.
Anyways, we are alone today but all is well. Being cared for yesterday has given me energy for today. My cup is no longer empty. Amelia had a long awake stretch last night (1am - 4am), but I am coping this a.m.
Joe is taking time off as of this afternoon -yeah!!! We will have him home with us now for 11 days. woo-hoo!

Exhaustion

So, keeping it real here... I am utterly exhausted. Amelia is not sleeping long stretches at night. She goes in and out of sleep all night, nursing in between, with 40 minute stretches being the norm. She also does not like to be put down by herself, so I end up with her sleeping on my chest.
The mornings are getting more difficult, because I want to beg Amelia to sleep longer (if only you could reason with newborns...). I feel like a zombie getting up. I long for a shower, to wash my face and brush my teeth, to get myself breakfast, etc., and yet Amelia needs feeding, and then falls asleep on my chest. I plan my escapes (meaning moments of putting her down and then darting to the bathroom) very thoughtfully.
Many people have given me advice about putting Amelia down and letting her cry. At 3 weeks old, I am choosing to soothe her, and keep her as content as possible. This does mean that my own self-care has to take a back seat for now. Eventually, I intend to learn how to take care of myself first so as to be a better mom to Amelia. Learning how to "sling" her while I walk around the house, etc. will give me greater freedom. We've practiced the sling a few times, but haven't gotten it down yet. Patience...
Ironically, the first two weeks were a lot easier than week 3 (and likely 4). The compounded lack of sleep, as well as cabin fever (I've been outside once for 5 minutes in 3 weeks), and Amelia becoming more alert and vocal, are challenging.
It occurred to me this morning that I need to pull my confidence "out of my back pocket". It is easy to slip into a place of feeling inadequate as a new mom, and yet I am doing the very best I can on limited resources. I need to be very gentle with myself, which my husband models for me with his gentleness towards us both. I wish I could push a "pause" button, and head out to get a massage, sleep for 8 hours, go to yoga, etc., and then come back for the next stretch of evening into morning...and press "play" again!

Staying in the moment

Last night, Amelia slept in little stretches, with 40 minutes being the longest. I am one exhausted mama, and my nipples (sorry, guys) are very, very sore from so much latching. Thankfully, I had napped for a couple of hours two days in a row, and my patience was at a high, especially compared to two nights ago when everything brought me to tears. We waited it out, Amelia and I, and were very happy when Daddy took over at 6 am. Joe and I decided that two tired parents were no good, so we agreed that Joe would sleep on the 3rd floor for awhile. Its been a huge help, because he takes great care of us during the day. I highly recommend this strategy to any new parents-to-be. Having one of you well rested makes for a stronger team.

Our midwife came by today for our 2nd to last visit. Amelia weighed in at 8 pounds 12 ounces. She has gained 1 pound within the last two weeks. Very good eater! She still seems teeny to me, though her looks have changed since her birth. She looks more like her daddy now than she did when she arrived.

As you know from my former postings, being a new mama is more challenging that I imagined. My coping strategy is to focus only on today. I get overwhelmed when I think of night after night of not sleeping, and so much breastfeeding, diaper changing, etc. When I look too far ahead, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'd rather not know, but to trust that it does get easier and I will, eventually, reclaim some freedom.

In the meantime, I just need to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way. And to remember to enjoy the moments of closeness as she is curled on my chest. Staying in the moment - seems the best strategy all around.

Two weeks old today

Amelia is sound asleep on my chest as I write this. She has given me the gift lately of being able to comfort her by holding her close and keeping my cheek against hers. She loves this position, and will calm down fairly easily when I do this. It is very rewarding to be able to comfort my baby.

Joe is home from work today, and I am very appreciative. Not only am I exhausted, but I am emotionally drained. I am not sure that we, mamas, can prepare ourselves for being "on call" 24 hours a day, and needed so much during that time. Physically, my breasts are very sore, my back aches from holding her so much, and the rest of my body is still healing from birth. Just when I am ready to close my eyes for a cat nap, she seems to wake up and want to nurse. Emotionally, I am not yet able to see how I will ever be able to prepare a meal, or take a long bubble bath, or make plans without worrying about when she will wake up or want to nurse or be held. I do know that all of that will work itself out, but I can't see how or when yet. I know this is temporary, and yet its difficult to see the end, or what is next.

Having said all of this, I also feel very good about these past two weeks. I feel very bonded to her. I love seeing her face when she wakes up, and even when she is sleeping. I love hearing her sounds, and feeling her warm body against mine.

So, we made it through our first two weeks together. I have one more week "on my own", and then Joe is off for 10 days around Christmas. After the holidays, I will hopefully have more energy and be out & about a bit with Amelia.

Joe is now holding Amelia while she sleeps, so I am going to run upstairs and take a hot bath while I can! Never before has every free minute been so precious...

Our first day on our own...

I was fortunate to have my mom stay with us for a week, and then Joe's mom take care of us for a few days. Both of our moms spoiled us rotten, and I was able to stay on the couch for most of the day and nurse and hold Amelia. They made me meals, did laundry, grocery shopped, changed her diaper, etc. Lynn, my mother-in-law, left yesterday and I had lined up a dear friend of mine to visit us this a.m. She came down with a cold, unfortunately, so we both agreed it was better for her not to visit. So, we are on our own...
Amelia has had long stretches of being awake lately, including one last night. Her tummy was bothering her (I'm learning what NOT to eat!), and she was uncomfortable for a few hours. I did get some sleep - probably 5 hours total - and we woke up ready to face our first day on our own.
I miss our moms!! Getting breakfast, changing her diaper (it still is uncomfortable to bend down and sit), going to the bathroom, getting dressed, etc. are a challenge with a newborn. I started watching a movie and realized that Amelia, too, was staring at the TV. I called Joe to ask when we should stop watching tv with her around, because I don't want her mesmorized at such a young age. However, to me, its a savior right now. I can see how our best laid plans can be challenging to live out.
Joe's company sent us a blanket with her name on it. I cried when I saw it. Her name is so sweet to me ~ Amelia. Of course, I cry when I think about my birth, or pregnancy, or even laundry for that matter. Well, not laundry yet, but I'm sure that will happen one of these days. Its also hard for me not to clean up. Learning to be with the mess, and just rest and enjoy Amelia is another challenge. We can't wait for daddy to get home from work...
So, we are taking it hour by hour. I may hire a post-partum doula for a few afternoons to help ease the transition and give me a break to take a shower, or bath, or nap. I am not so good at asking or soliciting help, so I keep putting this off. Joe and I decided to see how today goes ~ my "trial day", and then to determine what kind of support I need.
So, there it is. Ramblings of a very tired mama. Not sure if I'll keep this blog going, or start a new one, or what. Not even sure if anyone is reading it right now. If you're out there, let me know.

Day 6 with Amelia

I can't believe that its been almost a week, and yet it feels like so long ago that I was pregnant and waiting. I have shared with some mamas that the end of my pregnancy felt very abrupt. One day, we're thinking we may have two weeks left, I'm enjoying my big belly, and wondering when she will arrive. Then, all the laboring began and the days began to blur. And, now, I am lying here with my baby girl, my deflating belly, and have only two more appointments with my midwife, Kelley, who I will deeply miss. There are moments when I feel very sad about the ending of my pregnancy. And then I hold Amelia and think of all that's ahead of us. Birth and now being a mama is truly a lesson in living in the moment, and focusing on what's here now, as it will soon change.

She is beautiful. I know that we are partial, of course, but it was all that I could say when she was placed on my belly in the hospital. I can't believe that she is our child. Joe and I just look at each other in awe and wonder how we were so blessed. I layed in bed the other night saying thank you, thank you, thank you with tears streaming down my cheeks. After everything, here she is.

My mom has been taking care of us ~ cooking, cleaning, baking, shopping, etc.. since Thursday. She is leaving on Friday, and Joe's mom is coming for three days. I am still on "bed rest" and will be looking forward to some friends visiting next week.

So, one day at a time with Amelia... and more in love every day.

A few pics of Amelia & Update

Here she is - our amazing Amelia. What we know already: she has a very rhaspy cry (her parents both have rhaspy voices, so no wonder), she is strong, and she is a vigorous eater! OUCH!!!

There are many things that I was not at all prepared to encounter, and likely for the better. The labor continues, but in a very different way. I've probably only had 6 - 10 hours of sleep (???) since Tuesday. I do need to learn to nap when she sleeps, but I usually prefer to take advantage of the quiet and just hold her, or do something "ordinary" like check e-mail, etc..

My physical recovery looks like 2 weeks of mainly being in bed. That is such a challenge for me. Yesterday, I came down from the high of the birthing experience and the excitement of meeting my little girl. Its amazing. I began to feel sadness for the end of pregnancy (the intimacy and quiet of her in my belly), and for the end of the birthing process (so emotional and intense).

I imagine this transition from now until ? to be filled with so many emotions, surprises, tears, etc. The journey has only just begun...

One thing is for certain - Amelia Eve is a blessing that I could never have imagined already. I am a very proud mama...

Welcome, Amelia Eve!

On Thursday morning at 6:11a.m., we welcomed our beautiful baby girl, Amelia Eve. I will post more about the birth experience when I am more rested. It did not turn out as planned, and was much more challenging than I could have expected. However, it was still beautiful, gentle, and extraordinarly special.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and wishes. We will post pics and more information when I am a bit more rested and recovered.

Its begun...

Hello friends and family,

Some of you know that labor signs began early on Sunday morning. We thought the baby would arrive by Sunday night, but that wasn't the plan. Yesterday, it was a day of close contractions (every 2-3 minutes for awhile), and then more sporatic ones. I've been getting to bed around 8pm, and having contractions every 30 minutes or so. I sleep well in between them, but they can be intense. We are all set up for the actual labor - birthing tub and all.

The baby is doing well, I am doing well, and we are resetting our expectations to meeting the bean by the end of the week. Joe will likely be going back to work tomorrow, and my mom will come and keep me company. I've been physically and emotionally drained these last two days, so now I am focusing on restoring as best I can.

What we need now is lots of prayers. Soon enough, we'll share the news!

Love,
Erin

Soon enough

My body is preparing for labor, it seems. My cervix is now soft and effaced. As of last night, I am not yet dialated, but it does feel that labor is somewhat near. Joe and I keep asking each other "what will we do once our midwives leave??", and then we break out into nervous laughter. We imagine ourselves holding our beloved bean... and wondering where to find the operating instructions!

Birthday Reflections

Today is my birthday, and I've wondered for several months if I might share it with the bean. I will admit that I am pleased not to, although I am eager for the bean to arrive. I love to create meaningful, sacred birthdays for myself. If I were to share the day with my child, I envision messy cupcakes, running around, and perhaps not carving out the time or space for reflection and celebration.

As I look back on this year, I am incredibly grateful for my path. A year ago, we were beginning our visits to Boston IVF, wondering if being parents was 1, 2, 3 or more years away. I began to cut back my work hours last November, and dream of my own coaching practice and taking a year to take care of myself. And, now, here I am! There have been so many unforeseen treasures through this pregnancy journey and life transition.

What stands out in my mind is the women that I've met, or reconnected with, this year. From the women I've coached, to old friends who reflect the best of me, to new friends who have shared their wisdom and kindness, I am blessed. I also feel a renewed appreciation for my family, who offers me support and acceptance no matter what choices I make.

This has been the sweetest year of my life in so many ways. I have come to know myself on deeper levels, and enjoyed my company even more than before. I am pursuing my passion and purpose, and am surrounded by others doing the same. Even though there are still plenty of areas of growth and healing for me, I feel that I accomplished what truly mattered this year - inner well-being. And its no surprise that the bean "took root" during this time.

As I look ahead to next year, my intention is to be gentle with myself as I learn to care for my baby and to continue to tend to the other important areas of my life. I want to embrace the awkwardness, the uncertainty, the humor of it all. To allow myself to be imperfect, to learn, and to trust that I am fully capable of providing my child with all the love and support he or she needs to flourish... even in the midst of what might seem like chaos.

My henna belly & belly cast

Here are photos of my henna belly (it has since darkened and looks very cool), and the belly cast. If you read back to July, I shared my intention of doing both of these before my delivery. I am so happy that I did. The henna design was a blessingway that a wonderful doula, Corina Pinkerton, did for me at her home. She welcomed me with tea, delicious lentil soup, candles, and lots of care. The pics didn't turn out great, but you can see the design. I will also cherish the belly cast for as long as it endures. I'd like to paint a "bean" in the center eventually! My belly actually looks very small in the middle picture. In reality, its huge! Joe and I can't believe how large it has gotten in the last couple of weeks.

LLL Meeting

I went to my first La Leche League meeting last night. There were about 12 other mamas there (maybe more), and we discussed topics from co-sleeping to breast pumps to eating solids. I left there feeling less urgency around making friends with the daunting breast pump. Another pregnant mama described getting it in the mail and putting it right away because she didn't even want to look at it. I, too, have avoided 'the machine'. I had my sister-in-law come over and tell me what I needed to do. I got up and left (thankfully her kids wanted my attention) as she continued to explain it to my husband. Its so unappealing.

Another pregnant mom shared her "fantasy" about getting back to the gym a month after the baby arrives. I could relate to this fantasy, too. Hearing other moms saying 'take it easy', 'listen to your body', 'you may still be bleeding', etc., helps me to get a more realistic picture of what post-partum may be like. My fantasy includes cooking a magnficent Christmas dinner for my husband (the baby may only be 2 weeks old?!). I guess we can't really fathom what we'll feel like until we arrive...

Anyways, I met some of the other mamas from the "mama group" there. I am in terrific company with these women. I feel blessed to have met so many wonderful women throughout this pregnancy journey.

Oh, I'll be sure to post my henna belly today!!

Trusting my body

(Disclaimer: I anticipate an increase in postings as I pass time during these final pregnancy days.) I realized today that I am harboring a fear or belief that I will not go into labor spontaneously. If I do not go into labor naturally within a couple of weeks of my due date, I then face a greater likelihood of being hospitalized. I wish that there was a magic formula that I could take to ripen my cervix and prepare this baby for delivery. I imagine that getting my mind off labor may be a good first step, other than some positive visualization.

Now is the time for me to trust my body. My pregnancy was a result of an insemination, and I have some lingering mistrust that my body may not do what it needs to do on its own.

I believe its time to come to terms with this fear. To see it for what is (a fear), and to know that I will handle that. And, then, to focus on sending messages of trust and confidence in my body, and myself.

For those of you who read this blog, I really welcome your good wishes, positive thoughts, wisdom as I navigate these last days of pregnancy. Please don't be shy; I value and need to feel the support of a greater community as I prepare to cross this threshold...

An exciting Sunday!

Yesterday was an exciting day all around. For a few minutes, we thought we detected a second heartbeat! We were all confused, and giddy, as we pulled out two dopplers to see if they were the same. Initially, the heartbeats sounded different. Kelley was asking me not to laugh, because I was so overjoyed for a moment. However, we then all concluded that it was the same heartbeat and just strange that we detected it in the two places we did.

All of that excitement led to an evening of contractions. We timed them at 3 minutes apart, and then a bit more random (i.e. 1 minute, 5 minutes, etc.). They were mild, and I kept telling Joe that they were Braxton Hicks. Seeing how they are gone today, I was right. My stomach contracts now very frequently, though I am not feeling the lower pelvic contractions that I did last night.

We feel that we still have atleast a week ahead of us, if not closer to two. My cervix is still firm, the baby is high, and I don't feel that it will be imminent. Joe is just waiting for this baby to arrive! His face was lit with excitement as he enthusiastically timed each contraction. Even though he feels the baby's kicks and movements daily, he has not been able to feel this baby as I have. I can imagine how much he just wants to hold him or her in his arms.

Now, this whole birth feels like a great mystery to me. The gender, even the number (ok, so my rational mind says 1, but a part of me is holding onto the possibility of 2), the position, the arrival date, the whole experience... Arrive, baby bean, arrive!!!

Max and "the boy"

Oh my! My belly looks so big in this photo. We had a sleep-over with my niece and nephew this weekend. My nephew, Max, heard me telling the story about PUPPPs to his mom, and started calling my belly "the boy". He kept asking "is that the boy?" as he peeked under my shirt, and "is the boy coming out soon?" Max has two sisters and three girl cousins. He is surrounded by girls and his parents, at least, are pulling for a boy cousin! It seems that Max is now, too.

We did a belly cast today, which was way cool! I'll post a photo of it this week. Its wild for me to see my belly from a different perspective. I forget that it is as round and large as it is. On Tuesday, I am treating myself to a beautiful henna belly design! Fun!

Will it be a boy?!

A few weeks ago, I noticed small red bumps on my belly. They were a bit itchy, but not too bothersome. I then noticed that my belly was very red, and hot, as compared to the rest of my belly. I shared this with my midwife, who did research and believes that its a condition called PUPPPs. This is really harmless, and likely related to liver functioning, and something that will not cause any harm to the baby (although the baby may have a rash when s/he is born).

Interestingly, most women who have PUPPPs during pregnancy are carrying a boy! When I first became pregnant, I really believed that I was carrying a girl. I changed my mind at around 5 months, when I kept dreaming about a baby boy and I started to "carry like its a boy". Most everyone guesses boy when they look at my belly.

I suddenly began to think it was a girl again, as soon as we got within "touchdown zone" of having the baby.

So, I really have no idea what gender this baby is ~ though it was interesting to read that PUPPPs has a greater occurrence in women carrying boys. We'll see!

Late night musings

On one of my late night "waddles" to the bathroom, I wondered what it will REALLY be like to have a baby. How would it change even the little things in my life? I remember my cousin telling me that we had 9 months of pregnancy to get used to the idea of becoming a parent. For me, the 9 months have been more about experiencing pregnancy and processing this time of my life. What it will mean to be a mama feels like the next phase, and still so vague and unknown to me.

I wonder what kind of mom I will be, and how it will change me. I wonder the same for my husband. I wonder what my child will be like, look like, smell like, sound like. Will I fall in love right away? Will I have to tiptoe to the bathroom at night so as not to wake the two sleeping bodies in my bedroom? Will I be able to indulge in a hot bath every night, or will 'slipping away' prove to be more of a challenge? Will I figure most of it out naturally, or will this feel like an awkward, uncordinated dance that I will simply need to adjust to? So many questions. Reminds me of my favorite poem, by Rilke:

"I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…"

Love that.

Not Ready Yet

I had a dream last night that I could see and feel the outline of the baby's head and fist. I went to hold the baby's hand, and s/he jumped. I was so excited to make contact with my baby, and yet cautious in not startling him or her. I woke up, and was bummed that it was a dream.

My midwife came over today to check my cervix and do some bloodwork. My cervix felt more like a non-pregnant woman's; in other words, it was very firm. I've started taking things like castor oil (very gross) and evening primrose oil to soften my cervix. These methods apparently work over time, so no affect yet.

Its possible that things could change quickly; however, more likely, I will still be pregnant two weeks from now. Hopefully, I will not be pregnant four weeks from now.

I wonder how much of my birthing readiness depends on my emotional readiness for the baby's arrival. It feels like the chicken and the egg. Which comes first? If my hormones change, I may start nesting more fervently, and that may also impact my emotional readiness. Or, if I focus on visioning my birth, breathing, sending messages to the baby, perhaps my body will respond. From what I know from coaching, there is a powerful connection between our body, our mind, our spirit. So, I imagine that my birthing readiness can be affected both ways - from physical hormonal shifts, as well as emotional 'preparation'. Interesting thought.

Now, my husband is waiting and keeping up with my change of tides. One day it seems that I'll go early, and then I believe I'll be late. I created a "countdown til the bean arrives" calendar that I hung in the kitchen. For each day, it shows how many days left til my due date (including negative past-due dates), and a description of the personality for someone born on that day from a fun birthday book. I made this for Joe. We are counting down with both eagerness and also awareness around how fleeting this "quiet" time is for us.

Emotional Tides of Pregnancy

So, I find myself brought to tears at the most innocuous moments. For example, Joe and I were watching the classic movie, The Incredible Shrinking Woman, and I actually began to cry as she disappeared (ok, ok, its not a classic, but I loved it as a kid). Last night, I cried while watching Home Makeover Edition, and also during Brothers & Sisters. Today, I cried as I watched Celine Dion sing to a member of Oprah's audience, and then again to the lyrics of one of Celine's songs. This is all within 24 hours. Clearly, it doesn't take much these days.

Hormonally, pregnancy is a bizarre journey. A friend of mine asked me months ago if I felt hormonally wacky. I did not. Maybe my husband would answer differently. Now, though, I feel "tender"; meaning, easily moved, more sensitive, and less resilient, as if I've lowered my tolerance of both stress and any unkindness.

Tonight, I feel grumpy and irritable. I didn't leave the house today, which my husband couldn't believe, seeing how I am someone who is usually 'on the go'. Is this nesting? Perhaps.

We started a pool with our family and a few friends today. They all guessed the delivery date, sex, and weight. Whoever guesses closest to the delivery date, and then sex and weight for any ties, wins. We have 19 guesses so far. Only two people think this baby will arrive before or on my due date, and most people think its less than 9 pounds.

My guess? Ok. Here it is. 12/4, Girl, 9.6 pounds. I know, I know... I've believed this was a boy all along until last week. We'll see!

The last stretch photo

Here I am at 37 plus weeks and going (or should I say 'growing')! Our changing table arrived yesterday. Just about everything we received via shipping has arrived broken - the table, our moses basket, the moses basket stand... However, we were able to set it up with a missing piece. Waking up to an almost complete baby's room (no crib) was surreal. I am definitely processing this last phase of my transition. Part of me is so eager and excited for baby to arrive; Another part of me feels sad that my pregnancy is ending. Today, I feel that sadness. I have truly loved being pregnant, and experiencing and sharing this journey.

I told Joe it feels like the "calm before the storm" right now. The storm may be the final stages with frantic nesting, or it may be when the baby arrives, but it's coming! I remember standing outside during the 'eye' of Hurricane Gloria in 6th grade. Knowing it would soon pass, I was completely mesmorized at the quiet, still moment in time. That is a bit how I feel right now.

Pregnancy Amnesia

Amnesia - The loss of ability to memorize information and/or recall information stored in memory.

Yesterday, I was e-mailing my brother and said that my blood tests results revealed some amnesia mid-pregnancy. I re-read what I had sent to him, and then corrected myself that it revealed anemia, not amnesia. It made me laugh, because amnesia seems to have struck, too!

Here's my list of what I forget most often these days:
1.) Where I parked my car. Each morning is a bit of a scavenger hunt.
2.) Why I am standing in the middle of the store. What did I need?
3.) My phone number. I have stood, blank, in response to this question.
4.) If I fed the cat. Let's just say that my cat is taking advantage of this. I suspect she's had two breakfasts and dinners on many occasions as of late .
5.) If I brushed my teeth. They, too, are benefiting.
6.) If I turned off the oven, or iron, or whatever other devise I was using.
7.) The word that I'm looking for... (blank, again)

I was pondering this with my friends from the mama's group, and they assured me that it doesn't get any better once the baby is born. We hypothesized that our brain is now allocating resources elsewhere to prepare or care for the baby, and that quick-recall memory is taking the hit. Valid?!

A pic from two weeks ago

Celebrating my mom's birthday with "Auntie Amy", who is like a sister to me. My family and friends know that I love to celebrate, love beautiful cakes and party hats, etc. I am a lover of festivities! So, it will come as no surprise that I found a mini-party hat in Portland this weekend. The hat is smaller than the palm of my hand. So, we bought it for the bean's "birthday". I can't wait to post a pic of him or her with it on... on d-day!

The bean is fully baked!

Tomorrow marks the completion of our 37th week of pregnancy, which means that the bean is "full-term". Woo-hoo! I have an appointment with my midwife today, and I imagine that I will begin a slow, natural induction process now. Kelley recommends small amounts of castor oil each day, as well as evening primrose supplements. This kind of induction doesn't happen over night, but rather slowly softens my cervix. We would do this in response to my protein levels, and to keep me 'in the clear' from toxemia.

The nesting urges come and go with me. I've done most of my organizing and am basically ready for the baby's arrival. I say "basically" because I won't know until it happens. If strong, urgent nesting is a sign of imminent delivery, I don't feel that I'm there yet. I feel, rather, that I'm waiting and resting and ready to go.

I was up much of the night with acid reflux, and found myself thinking "if I were to ask other mamas what they wished they had done a couple of weeks before the baby arrived, assuming they had lots of free time, what would they say? Am I making the most of this time?"

Physically, I'm not as up for long walks, though I will attempt one today. While I recognize that now is the time to get out of the house, my desire is to stay home and prepare for the baby.

Joe and I had a wonderful dinner last night in celebration of our 2/10 anniversary (2 years married, 10 years together). We are not taking much for granted these days. Quiet, lovely nights are cherished.

Our last pre-baby get-away!

Tomorrow is my 2nd wedding anniversary with my husband, and we decided to get away this weekend to celebrate. We chose Portland, Maine, which we visited briefly last year when I was running a half marathon there. We stayed at a secluded inn on Prouts Neck. We were both feeling nostalgic about it being our last pre-baby getaway. We found ourselves saying things like "this is the last time we'll be away and not calling to check in on the baby, or having him or her with us!"

Ironically, we arrived in time for Hurricane Noel. It was wild weather, and we joked about what that meant... a hurricane is about to hit our lives! The weather had us stay inside and relax, which was much needed for Joe.

I turned a corner, and have begun to feel done with my pregnancy. It is now more difficult to get up and to keep up. I feel crampy, with a little nausea on and off, not to mention raging hormones. Truly, I feel like I am on an emotional rollar coaster some days.

I realize that I could potentially have as many as 5 weeks left, or as few as 1. My intention is to move to a place of greater relaxation and opening, and to begin to send messages to my body that I am ready.

My mom sent me a wonderful gift today. It is a "prayer shawl", which is a beautifully hand-knit blanket shawl that was blessed by a community of sisters, the Sisters of Notre Dame. Her note said that she imagines me in this shawl, feeling comforted, as I continue the journey of pregnancy to birthing. So much of my pregnancy has been about being supported by communities of women, and this shawl is yet another reminder of being held. It is beautiful and very meaningful to me.

Now is the time for me to go "inwards", as I prepare myself for the greatest transition of all, and the miracle of child birth. I will keep you all posted on how I fare and if labor seems to be in the near future. If I were to guess, I think the first week of December will bring our baby fully into our lives... and our arms. I think I have a few more weeks of being "done" with pregnancy... we'll see!

My pregnancy "medicine" chest

Thought I'd share this photo of my homeopathic remedies that are keeping me healthy. I'm drinking a lot of brown, not-so-yummy, drinks. I took this photo for posterity, as it will all end soon.

Protein, protein and protein, oh my!

My midwife called with some blood test results today. Overall, they looked good. However, there was a protein that was out of the normal range, which could potentially lead to toxemia, if I understand correctly. What I really, really like about my midwife is how pro-active she is. She already had started me on a high protein diet with a supplement to boot. Now, though, we have increased my protein daily target to 125 grams per day!!! Ok, so that might not seem like a difficult thing until you start to add up protein levels in our foods. It requires ALOT of meat (and protein shakes).

During my conversation with my midwife, she mentioned inducing early, if needed. She is not suggesting that we do that, or saying that we will need to do so. She simply said "we could induce you when you and Joe get back from Portland this weekend, since you'll be 37 weeks, if we really needed to." or something similar. Basically, if I started to develop symptoms like swelling, headaches, etc., it may be better to naturally induce if my body is not sustaining itself well in this last month. I would still aim for a homebirth, which, of course, I deeply want.

At the mere mention of going early, a wave of energy ran through my body. Labor has seemed so far away, even when I know it might be in two weeks, or four weeks. I've mentally prepared myself to be pregnant through the end of November, and into early December. I hadn't considered delivering early. My mom was late with most of us, and I assumed I'd follow in her footsteps.

I can't imagine having the baby here yet. I imagine that sounds strange, since I'm nearly at the end of the road. However, that part hasn't seemed real yet. Me, a mother?? For real?? With a baby to care for? Just last night, I dreamt about my baby, and having forgotten to feed her. I've had that dream a few times. I suddenly remember I haven't fed my baby and then I sprint to retrieve her (or him in some dreams). I am in a complete panic in these dreams. When I shared this dream with Joe this morning, he tried to make me feel better by assuring me that the baby would not allow me to forget. I explained to him that there is an anxiety underneath that of meeting my baby's needs. Men... they can be so practical and literal.

Even now, I am excited and nervy at the thought of delivering early. This year has been so transitional for me, so spacious, so "mine". I want this baby more than anything. I want to see his or her little face, and kiss his or her little feet. AND, my life is about to change in a way that I can not even begin to fathom. And change is scary, as it is exciting.

So, stay tuned!!

First contractions

We had our "home visit" today with our midwife team, which includes two midwives, Kelley and Joyce, and an apprentice, Gina. Kelley determined that the baby was indeed head down, and that I was feeling the now larger bum and legs up by my ribs. Her estimate was that the baby was six pounds, which would put us at about 8 pounds by our due date.

We talked about my vision for the birth, which includes a birthing tub downstairs, relaxing music and candles. I envision a soothing and spiritual environment to help ground me. I find it so empowering that I can choose how I give birth, to a good degree. We have so many choices in this process, and yet most women aren't even made aware of them.

We also watched a home birthing video today with our team, in which a mother gave birth to twins (one breech) with no assistance. The confidence, the presence, the ecstacy of this woman was very inspiring. As I watched her catch her baby, one of the midwives said to me "that will be you!" There is nothing, nothing, that I can imagine to be more amazing than this birthing experience may be.

Even though I'm in my last month, I really don't feel ready to birth soon. I am still comfortable (except the acid reflux), and do not feel "done" with my pregnancy. It feels surreal still to imagine that a baby will soon join us outside my womb.

I did feel my first contractions tonight, though! They felt like menstrual cramps. I had experienced little sensations recently, but these seem to be the braxton hicks type that I've heard about.

So, on another note, it looks like the Sox will win the World Series. This is especially good news for us, because we bought mattresses at Jordan's during their "monster deal". That means that we get a full refund if the Sox win. Yeah us!

The Nesting Has Begun!

Oh, how nature has its timing. I told my mom this weekend that, for an organized person, nesting urges seemed to be escaping me. However, after returning from my baby shower with loads of goodies, I suddenly felt like a timer had gone off. Today, I spent the day washing baby clothes, organizing drawers and closets, running errands, making lists, and cleaning. Perhaps it was the need to find space for all of the baby items, but it also feels like we've rounded the corner. Five (give or take two!) weeks seems like hardly much time anymore.

Even for having registered "lightly", I can not believe how much "stuff" is involved with preparing for a baby. Joe was eager to get things organized himself, and I came home to the highchair already set up in our kitchen! We won't be needing that for several months, but I must admit that I also love seeing it there. We'll move it to the basement when we're ready. For now, it serves almost as a place holder. Next to the two island stools where Joe and I eat and talk, there is now a seat for our third family member...

On that note, I welcome any suggestions for names for this family member. Ideas for names that go with "Adiletta". The "A" and the "i" are soft.

Flips and Turns

The bean found a new position as of late - from head-down and ready-to-labor to either a bum or a head up by my ribs. I woke up to use the bathroom two nights ago and there it was! A lump right under my ribs. It amused me somehow, though I am concerned that the baby moves back down to labor-ready positioning soon.

The other flips and turns in my life seem to be in my stomach. Yes, good ole acid reflux continues to be a challenge. If I am a student to what is showing up in my life, I can see how the acid reflux is teaching me. Throughout my pregnancy, as my acid reflux has worsened, I humbly admit that I continue to "sneak" foods or continue to eat larger portions, and then suffer with acid reflux. I have shared with some of you that it doesn't seem to matter what I eat. That has been true to some degree; However, now that I've eliminated some of my favorite, triggering foods, I see how much more control I actually have over it. There lies my lesson. How often in life do we feel like we have little control, when we discover that, in reality, we do have the power to create more relief, or joy, or whatever it is that we seek.

Now, there are days when I am following a careful anti-acid, high protein, high nutrient diet and still find myself in lots of discomfort. Someone recently said to me, "maybe its about giving into it." Ahhhh.... riding it out. Giving into it. Letting it be. Sounds like not only life training, but also labor preparation training... doesn't it??

So, today I am including acid reflux in my gratitude list. It is asking me to be impeccable with what I put into my body. It is asking that I eat foods that feed me, and the baby, and not acting on my momentary cravings. It is keeping me accountable to better nutrition and a simpler, more thoughtful diet. Those are all good things.

And, when its all said and done, I will yell a huge "hallelujah!" And then dive into the richest piece of chocolate cake that I can find. Oh, and take this lesson with me :).

Amazing birthing videos and slide shows

I came across the following website yesterday: http://themidwife.net/index_files/homebirthmidwifestudentwomanshealthvideos.htm

There are beautiful slide shows and videos of natural and home births on there. I watched quite a few yesterday. When Joe came home, I was sitting on the couch with tears streaming down my face. They are so moving.

Discomfort AND Gratitude

It was another rough night for me. I slept on and off for six hours, mostly off. My acid reflux seems to be worsening and I have vomited three times since last night. The hardest part for me is the concern that the baby may somehow be affected, as I tend to lose my breath and see stars when the acid reflux is severe. Those with me during these times reassure me that the bean is resilient and will be just fine. When I hold onto that thought, I feel grateful that this is my challenge right now, and not something more serious. It is quite uncomfortable, though, none-the-less.

I want to also share a tradition that my coaching certification colleagues (we are known as the Veronicas) began. Each Friday, we send each other our gratitude list. It is a practice that is especially meaningful and effective on days like today, where I feel worn down and a bit woeful.

I am grateful first and foremost for my husband, Joe. He is my touchstone, and the person with whom I most love to talk, and to share life experiences. (And he looked mighty handsome today when he came in to say hello before heading back to work...)

I am grateful for this home that is warm and welcoming, and will soon enough house our baby.

I am grateful for my midwife, Kelley, and the "mama's group", which is filled with authentic, open-minded, conscious women who are generous with sharing their struggles, advice and stories.

I am grateful for a large extended family that supports us, even when they don't fully understand our choices.

I am grateful, especially today, for pjs, movies, protein-rich shakes, warm blankets, a lap cat named Phoebe, a handy wireless laptop that allows me to stay comfortable on the couch, aromatic candles for ambiance, and warm bubble baths...

50 (?!) Days to Go...

I woke up this morning thinking about my life right now - the remaining days before child(ren). I have passed the 33 week mark, and am now in my 34th week. I have roughly 50 days until my due date.

50 days. To do what with? To experience what? To fill up with what? To be who? These are whopper questions, I know. But I am a coach, after all. Lately, I've been "winding down", as I say to Joe. I have a small handful of coaching clients, am taking my jewelry to a boutique tomorrow to be sold there, and am working through our "pre-baby" list.

I've even turned the TV on mid-day (gasp!) and enjoyed back-to-back versions of A Baby Story, or Bringing Home Baby. Clearly, my mind is occupied with the bundle of joy to come.

So, what about me? What is it that I want to do or be over these next two months? I have the time and the space to create whatever it is I want to experience. Rather than count down days until the baby arrives, I'd like to shift my perspective to enjoying, and I mean REALLY enjoying, Fifty Days of Freedom. Hmmmm...

I will keep you posted (no pun intended) on what these days have in store for me. My nesting urges came along like false contractions. I do hope it will come back, but perhaps its just not what I need right now.

I believe that, in a nutshell, these next 50 days are really about enjoying and taking care of myself. What does that look like? There in lies my discovery work!

Momfidence!

A few weeks ago, I was on the phone with my friend, Kate, who is living in Malaysia (and who we would be visiting next week if we had not gotten pregnant this year). Kate is also pregnant and due in the spring. We were comparing notes on the various pregnancy books that we received or purchased, and how unhelpful many of them were to us. We both threw out our copies of "What to Expect When You're Expecting", and Kate spoke of some old-fashioned "you can stop dusting so much when the baby comes" advice that irked her. I stopped reading books early in my pregnancy, except those written by mothers who shared their own experiences (like Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year). I was fortunate to stumble upon a fabulous "mama's group" in my area, where I have learned so much first-hand about pregnancy, birthing and the early months. I find this kind of "tried and true" experience to be so much more valuable than doctor-prescribed pregnancy do's and don'ts. Mostly, its usually too late for me when I read not to eat sprouts after eating them almost daily for several weeks.

On this note, Kate shared a favorite book of hers, which is Momfidence! An Oreo Cookie Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets to Happier Parenting. She found the 'trust your intuition' and 'allow yourself to be imperfect' strategy re-assuring.

I've also enjoyed this book, as a balance to the many of the other books and articles I've read. Now, I know this book would turn off many new age moms who do feel strongly that oreos (whose fillings, by the way, are a mix of crisco and sugar - gross!) are damaging. This book, however, offers the opinion that children are much more resilient than we give them credit for, and that we, moms, often lose ourselves in our quest for raising the perfect, healthy, unharmed, most accomplished, protected child; It also suggests that children lose much of the joy in their childhood when playdates, for example, are so structured, pre-planned and monitored.

Now, I must admit my own mama-leaning. I do really value learning about raising confident and secure children, and I think potty-charts (see below) are cute. You will find me "wearing" my child in slings, and our baby will start his or her life by sleeping with us. We do intend to limit refined sugars, and raise our children on whole grain and hearty foods (even if we have to sneak them in there). We plan to give birth at home, and we will not allow our child to be given immunizations without learning about them in advance and choosing to do so. You might say that I am a new age mama. However, I also seek balance, and have no intentions to line my child up for the best pre-school or fill his or her calendar with 5 extra-curricular activities each week. It seems like a lot of pressure to bestow upon our children, and its just not me or my pace; Truthfully, the idea of having so much of my time spent dropping off and picking up the little one turns me off. More importantly, though, I believe in taking care of YOU, the mama, first and foremost, and letting go of standards that keep you up at night feeling inadequate or selfish. As the quote goes "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

The author shared in one of her recent posts the following opinion about modern motherhood. I felt it was valuable food for thought for this blog. I'd love to hear some of your thoughts re: this idea.

"Last, what's missing from the image of modern motherhood [in addition to instinct, common sense, reality, and fun] is…you! And me! The parents! It's always about how to make the child smarter, healthier, happier, sleepier. How to track his every move with star charts, chore charts, sleep charts, potty charts. How to rear a child who's more secure, more obedient, more confident, more motivated to make it to the Ivy League so he or she, too, can join the rat race and raise hypercompetitive kids who will make it to the Ivy League and…wait a minute!

Don't parents count for something? It's SO not popular to say, Spend less time worrying about your kids' lives and more time worrying about yours: your sanity, your marriage, your hopes and dreams. But I'll say it anyway. Sure, there are lots of legitimate things for parents MUST worry about, and I don't want to belittle them. But kids really do grow like weeds--they're more durable and harder to kill than we think, and require a lot less effort to bloom than we think."

Intuitive Birthing

I came across the following quote on a medical website:

"Women are inherently capable of giving birth, have a deep, intuitive instinct about birth, and, when supported and free to find comfort, are able to give birth without interventions and without suffering."

This quote resonated with me because it is what I intuitively believe about birth. The most common response I receive to having a natural homebirth is "you're brave." I do agree that it requires a good amount of confidence and trust in myself, my partner, the process, and my midwives. It will require me to stay grounded and relaxed even when the going gets tough, and also to maintain a healthy amount of flexibility and resiliency to alter plans, as needed. However, having said all of that, it scares me more to be swept away to a hospital while strange doctors and nurses decide what's needed for me, and my baby. At this point in time, that scenario frightens me more than following a natural birthing process, as best I can.

On a side note, its been a rough few days for me. I've been vomiting at night because of severe acid reflux. The acid reflux is with me almost 24/7, though I do experience periods of relief and feeling well. I am also completely exhausted physically. I find myself resting once I get to the top of a staircase, and usually out of breath. It makes me appreciate how well I've felt up until this point (and hopefully beyond this point, too). All of you women who are pregnant and chasing around other little kids, you have my true admiration.

Saying goodbye

A couple of months ago, I wrote about mourning the losses of being without child, and having the freedom and space to pursue our hearts desires. Last evening, as I was driving, I began to think again of how much my life, our lives, are about to change. I momentarily filled up with great emotion and I began to cry. I felt a deep gratitude and appreciation for the past ten years of my life. They have been my "coming to age", so to speak, and have held tremendous growth for me and for my relationship. Life has been good to me, and to us. We have gone through many phases of coupledom together; We have started over again and again with our jobs, city, home, progression of the relationship, and our dreams and desires. There was a time when work lacked meaning for Joe, and he was searching for his passion. I, at that time, was consumed with the demands of my job and profession and struggled to let work go when I walked in the door. Now, Joe is very engaged in a profession that ultimately benefits the environment and sustainability (ahhh, a passion...) and has his own struggles now with balancing work with the rest of his life. I, on the other hand, am building a practice that I dreamt of for over six years and finding life balance, at the moment, to be quite generous. I know that we will again find ourselves in very different places six months from now. The memories are so sweet to me as I think back to our journey up to this point. For ten years, it has been me and Joe. The two of us creating our lives in a parallel, intertwining fashion.

I know how important it is to really acknowledge, and honor, endings. They help prepare us for embracing the new beginning and free up our energies to be with "what is" now. When we don't truly say goodbye, we often find ourselves longing for the way it was, or spending precious energy avoiding the sadness or pain.

So, as I reached Joe's voicemail on his cell phone last night while tears were welling in my eyes, all I could say was "Thank You." And then I believe an "I'll miss you ~ I'll miss us" found its way to my lips. It sounds like a strange thing to say to the man who, God-willing, will continue to be with me for many more years. And, yet, it felt true. I will miss him as he is today. We will both change, greatly, as we enter parenthood and we make room in our marriage for a child (and hopefully more children to follow). I imagine there will be wonderful changes, and not-so-wonderful changes, along the way.

I told my friend, Jackie, this weekend that I felt as if I would be "re-creating" my life all over again once I meet the baby. Without knowing who this person is, or who I am in relation to this being, or going through the transition, I can not yet fully see this new picture of my life. I find myself breathing deep when I get ahead of myself and want to color it all in now. Its like discovering a treasure. You can imagine what lies within, and yet, until its opened, it remains a mystery.

32 Weeks...

Preparing for the Bam-Bean-O

Up until today, I had not bought a single item for the baby. Ok, ok... I did hang onto a beautiful handmade bib that I bought initially for a friend (sorry, Katie), but that was before I was even pregnant. AND, I did buy a tiny little rattle to take with me to my first ultrasound at 6 weeks. I am not superstitious, but I felt that having a baby item would somehow make the whole experience more real. Then there were the two Beatrix Potter books and a beautiful tear-jerking book titled "Someday". Other than that, however, Joe and I have felt that the baby doesn't need much initially, and we would likely be showered with gifts from our friends and family.

I went to the mall this morning to pick up a few late-pregnancy cotton shirts, and found they moved the maternity section next to the baby clothing. Very smart. I had to walk through all of these adorable baby outfits before arriving at any maternity clothes. I eyed a few outfits, though determined to stand by my "keep it simple" philosophy of not needing so many material things for a newborn child.

Eventually, though, I caved. I felt that I should be prepared for the baby to possibly arrive early. I did not have any t-shirts, or onesies, or whatever they are called, and a simple pair of sweats, or cotton pants. I was distracted by an adorable pair of newborn jeans, and then remembered that comfort was the key. I selected a few white cotton tops that were kimono-style, so that I didn't have to brave the "pull-over the softest skull ever" move immediately. I told my husband that the shirts were "daddy-proof", but then confessed that they were "mama-proof". To this day, I believe that I scarred my niece when trying to get a onesie over her tiny head. I skipped the onesie, because the snapping of the bottom seemed like yet another step in the process. I wondered if I should have socks, since the baby's feet might get cold. I considered this, and then decided that I would hold out. The sock selection was nil at best. A couple of pairs of frilly blue socks were the only newborn-3 months in the store.

I was on my way to the register when I remembered that I was also holding onto a precious, flannel hoodie and pant set in off-white. There are blue, green, yellow, and orange polkadots on the hoodie, as well as a tiny giraffe. I picked it up before any of the other items and held onto it because it was so soft and cuddly. This purchase, though, felt frivolous to me. Did the baby really need something cute to wear in his or her first days? Wouldn't my sisters-in-law likely lend me newborn clothing as needed? Oh heck, I wanted to buy my baby an outfit, and this was it.

So, up to the counter I went, when I suddenly felt a pang of "what if??" What if this baby isn't healthy, and here I am imagining my little one posing adorably in these new clothes? This is real, I thought. And this is the risk of becoming a mama, a parent. There are no guarentees, and not buying anything does not reduce the chances of a shattered heart should anything go wrong. Still, I had to pause. I thought of my dear friend, Laura, who lost her son, Luke, a beautiful baby, in the delivery. She had been awaiting him, feeling him, loving him, preparing for him... ready. Her devastation is something I can not even fathom, especially since I have now experienced pregnancy.

I realized that my "rule" about not buying anything was partially masking a fear that there may be a complication, or that everything may not check out as I hope it will. Do I truly believe that my heart will break any less if I jump in 100%? It's similar to believing that worry will somehow prepare us, when in reality it only robs us of today, and adds to our heartbreak tomorrow, should our worry come true.

So, I walked up to that counter today and bought my little bam-"bean"-o some comfy clothes. Three maternity items for me. Three baby items for the bean. Somehow, I feel more maternal simply having taken that step... and slightly more scared. This person is really, truly arriving soon in whatever shape or condition she or he is in. This baby will shake up my world in ways that I can not yet imagine. And s/he will look so very cute in the new polka-dot outfit :).

Next Stop: A 3-day Driving Adventure

I am writing from my sister's apartment in downtown Chicago. Last Friday, my husband called me from work to share that his company was looking for someone to drive a car from Chicago back to Boston. He knew how much I wanted to visit my sister, and I've asked him to consider me next time an interesting trip arose. His company pays for the flight, accomodations and also a generous amount for the hours spent driving. I took him up on this immediately. I have two more months of being able to be truly spontaneous and just "up and go". So, here I am...

When Joe told a co-worker, the co-worker seemed puzzled that Joe would "let" his wife make this drive 7 months pregnant. His co-worker clearly has not met me, and does not know my hunger for either an adventure or a challenge! Nor does he appreciate that there is no "letting" me do or not do anything, unless that allowing comes from me.

I begin my drive at 3pm-ish today, and am headed for Cleveland. Tomorrow's drive will be about 8 hours to the Albany area, and then a shorter (5 hours?) drive home on Wednesday. I have stocked up on books-on-cd, old coaching skill cds, ipod music, and a fully charged cell phone. We are headed to Whole Foods to stock up on healthy (and some just plain delicious) snacks and water. And then I'm off!

It may sound crazy to say that I am looking forward to this time on the road alone. Ever since having started on my own professionally, I have had an abundance of me-time, and can even feel isolated on some days. Yet, this adventure is tapping into a nostalgic part of me - the Erin who drove around Ireland alone for 6 days looking for a place to get married, the Erin who headed off to Costa Rica for a 3-week volunteer experience to live with strangers, the part of me that I must continue to honor long after little children want all of my attention. This journey is honoring an important value of mine - adventure.

So, here goes!

The Emmy's!!

Wow! I am coming down from an amazing weekend at the Emmy's in LA. My mother-in-law somehow managed to get tickets for six of us ~ all female in-laws of mine. We stayed in a hotel with many of the stars, and were giddy with excitement. We were next to Tony Bennett and Barbara Walters in our cabana by the pool. Here's something that most pregnant women can relate to: there is nothing that draws more attention than pregnancy. I find that so many people, especially men, congratulate me and ask me questions about when I'm due, etc. One of those men was Billy Baldwin. I will admit that I got quite a kick out of that, even though I'm not a huge Baldwin brothers' fan. I also spoke to Felicity Huffman yesterday morning about her movie, TransAmerica, and she asked about my pregnancy, due date, etc. There were several other stars that we saw up close and personal, such as Alec Baldwin, Mariska Hargarity (sp?), William H. Macy, Marcia Cross, a Soprano's star whose name I forget, and, actually, I already forget who else?! The highlight of the weekend was most definitely walking the red carpet on our way into the Emmy's. Oh, and Sally Fields giving an acceptance speech about how moms should rule the world!!! (Note: the attached photo is not Emmy night. Its the evening beforehand; I actually do not have a picture of us in our Emmy clothes)

My first visit with our midwife

Yesterday, our midwife, Kelley, and her apprentice, Gina, came over for my first pre-natal check-up. The difference between this visit and my former doctor visits is remarkable. When I went in for OBGYN check-ups, they would check the basics (blood pressure, weight, sugar levels, baby's heartbeat), ask if I have any questions, and show me the door, all within less than 25 minutes. I would answer the question "Do you have any questions?" with a "Yes, what questions should I be asking at this stage of my pregnancy??" Needless to say, the discussions were usually rather short.

Yesterday, my visit looked quite different. I sat at our dining room table with Kelley and Gina, talking about my hopes, fears, health history, pregnancy symptoms, etc. There was no rush, except on my end, because I needed to leave for a board meeting. They checked my sugar levels (and likely something else I've forgotten), blood pressure, baby's heart beat, baby's positioning, and reflexes. An hour and a half after they arrived, I said goodbye to Kelley and received a warm hug.

My next visit will also be in our home, which feels like quite a treat. I e-mail her in the meantime with any questions that I have. I feel truly supported. The best part, though, was seeing Kelley relate to our baby, even though s/he is still in utero. When Kelley was feeling for positioning, the baby was kicking and moving about, as if in protest. I could see how much love Kelley has for her babies, and I felt grateful that my baby will be delivered by a woman who will treat him or her with gentleness, love and respect.

NOW, I am off to the Emmy's in two days for the thrill of a lifetime. Look for me on the red carpet... I will be the one making a casual statement in pants and a shirt. If that doesn't help, look for a big belly!

Photo from a few weeks ago...

This photo was taken at my mom's Cape house. I had not done my hair that evening, but you can see what I mean about pregnancy (and humidity) having affected my curls. Anyways, that evening was the one I wrote about in "In Love", where the baby was so active.

Here I am

Yesterday, I realized how joyful I was feeling as I went about my day. I felt so grateful to be exactly where I was in life, and incredibly excited about what's to come. Today, I went out for a long walk and noticed the leaves beginning to change color. Change is in the air. A new season is here.

Fall has always been my favorite time of year. Growing up, I would greatly anticipate the start of school, a new soccer season, the approach of the holidays, etc. I associate the fall with coziness, nesting, family, activity, and celebration. We were married in early November, and I was born in November. Now, our baby is due in November.

It seems no coincidence, but rather a blessing, that I am entering my last trimester as the season begins to change. I can feel the nesting urges coming upon me. (I spent yesterday cleaning and organizing the basement and 3rd floor). There is a great transition occuring simultaneously with me as with nature. I am clearing out the old as I welcome the new. When I see the leaves becoming red at the edges, I think "It's almost here, Erin. You've been waiting for this forever..."

When I found out I was pregnant in March (and only 2-weeks pregnant at the time), the fall seemed ages away. The stretch from March until September has felt long with my days feeling spacious. Now, suddenly, it seems that there is much to be done and festivities abound. I am hosting a 98th birthday party for Joe's Pa Pa, Thanksgiving for his family, and even heading out to LA to walk the red carpet for the Emmy's... I am looking forward to a second baby shower and two weekends with my mom in Western Mass. To me, these weekends are sacred. I have always loved one-on-one time with my mom, and our talks and long meals. I asked her the other day if she feels a sadness about my transition to motherhood, as her oldest daughter. She did not; She felt that I had lived well in my 20's and early 30's, and is ready to now experience me as a mom. For me, each change is felt at a core level right now. There is a letting go, a welcoming, a need to acknowledge and mark these endings and beginnings.

Last night, as I went over our autumn weekend plans with Joe, he looked at me wide-eyed. We only had one free weekend together over the next two months. It momentarily overwhelmed him. I smiled at him and said, "This is it, Joe. This is life."

That's how I feel right now. I feel all of the anticipation of fall as I begin my new journey... mamahood. The worries from only last week (how will I attend to my business once the baby arrives?) seem to have temporarily dissipated. I want now to notice each and every change around me, so as not to miss anything. There is much to be done, and yet nothing to be solved anymore. In a way, I feel that I have arrived. I have come to learn that it is really a sign of a new beginning.

I've been showered!

This weekend, my husband's family hosted a baby shower for me in Connecticut. (There is a picture attached of me with my mother-in-law (Lynn), aunt-in-law (Joan), and sister-in-law (Julie). It was a terrific weekend and very exciting to celebrate the impending birth. We came home with all of our goodies, and I cried when Joe played the musical lamb ("hush little baby... mama's gonna buy you..."). I couldn't believe that our baby will really be here soon.

My pregnancy staple: The Mookie

I've been advised to cut out sugar from my diet for the remainder of my pregnancy. This is a huge challenge for me, as I have a mouth full of sweet teeth. I've realized that I do better when I satisfy my sweet tooth in moderation, than when I ignore it all together. The latter is a recipe for disaster.

I discovered a recipe a year or so ago for a healthier version of a chocolate chip cookie. My family fondly named it the "mookie", as the first batches tasted like half muffin, half cookie. Each time I whip up a new batch, I play with different ingredients. Making this mookie has become a hobby of mine, as each batch tastes and looks quite different. The coconut and walnut are my most recent additions.

This mookie uses northern beans, pureed, to replace most of the butter. It also replaces most of (or all) the white flour with finely ground oats and wheat flour. I've used soy flour, buckwheat flour, and other strange alternatives, though I find the mixture of oatmeal, wheat, and white flour the tastiest.

The recipe originally called for brown sugar, as opposed to refined sugar. I've experimented with brown rice syrup, aguave nectar (expensive) and finally settled on natural honey as a replacement.

One cookie hits the spot for me. Not only do I get some fiber and protein, but I also satisfy my sweet tooth. Joe and I keep these cookies in the freezer, and eat them frozen.

So, here goes. Rather than keep this recipe to myself, I thought I'd share it with any of you adventurous ones out there with sweet teeth!

1 1/2 cups old fashioned oats, finely ground
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 can great northern beans, "lightly" drained (keep a tbsp. or so liquid in there)
3 Tbsp butter (though I often use less)
1 cup honey
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
Semi-sweet chocolate/carob chips - add to your liking
Unsweeted coconut - add to your liking
Chopped walnuts - add to your liking

1. Pre-heat oven to 350
2. Combine ground oats with flour, baking powder, soda, and salt in med. bowl
3. In blender, puree the beans with reserved liquid until smooth.
4. Combine bean puree, butter, honey, eggs and vanilla in large bowl and beat well.
5. Beat or stir in oat and flour mixture. Stir in chips, coconut and walnuts.
Bake! (I never time (or even measure exactly), so its up to you on this one.)

Enjoy!!

The Name Game

Whoever thought naming a child would be so challenging? When I was only 9 years old, I had decided upon the names of my future children (I had also selected the gender and age, until my Dad explained that impossibility.) What I didn't consider back then was the unknown last name of my children, which is Adiletta. I also didn't factor in my future husband's preferences. I would even write out fake Christmas cards, leaving only my husband's name blank.

Adiletta is not the easiest of names to match. For one thing, it has four syllables. For another, it begins with an "a", while many beautiful first names end with an "a".

Early on in our pregnancy, Joe and I settled on two names that we both really liked. We were relieved to be all set, and decided upon keeping our names a secret until the big day. Then, one day, I looked at Joe and asked him to try on the boy's name, as if our son were an adolescent and he were engaged in a serious conversation with him. Strange as this may sound, my husband looked at me puzzled, and shared that he had trouble imagining a 16-year-old boy with that name. As did I. I then began to imagine my son running for office with his playful, adventurous name. Would he hate it? And my daughter, would she tire easily of such a simple name, even though we felt it to be beautiful and strong? Would we grow tired of both of the names before they were even born?

So, back to the drawing boards we went. We scoured name sites and read meanings, made lists, and matched middle names. We would discard a name, and then come back to it days later. "But I thought you didn't like that name with Adiletta??" my husband would ask me, confused. I would reply, "I've changed my mind. What do you think?" And on, and on, we would go.

Within the past month, we've settled on two top names for each gender. Our original names are among these four leading ones. However, I will admit that I've lost a bit of perspective. One of our top two girls' names breaks all the rules. On some days, it sounds like a tongue-twister. On other days, it is the most beautiful sounding name to me.

I've even broken down and shared the names with a couple of people. I was feeling desperate, and wanted to see their reactions. My child would be with this name for his or her life span here, and so I want to choose wisely.

Part of me believes that we won't have a final name chosen until this little person enters the world. And another part of me fears that scenario. After all, whenever I make a "game time" decision over what to eat at a restaurant, I end up with the strangest of all possible meals. I end up with a "what the heck - let's try this!" dish. I have a feeling my child will not thank me for that approach.

In love

I am already in love. Totally and completely in love with our baby.

I've had the most wonderful two days with 'the bean' in utero. S/he has been so active, and did not seem to stop moving and kicking for nearly two hours last night. I was visiting my mom at the Cape and shared that there was a virtual rock concert in my belly. S/he was movin' and groovin' and bringing me so much joy.

I woke up this morning to more activity, and felt an immediate rush of excitement. Here I am, experiencing a miracle, right in my body. My prayers have been answered, and a child ~ a person ~ a soul is developing within me. Each week, there are more changes that make this pregnancy feel even more a reality.

A new development is that I can now also feel the baby's body parts beneath my skin, although I can not distinguish them. It is sore, too, where my skin is expanding, and probably due to so much rubbing and touching and caressing from me.

People have told me that you fall in love when you see your baby, and hold him or her for the first time. I can not imagine how great that love is, if I already feel this much love.

Sisterhood & Community

Joe's sister, Teri, visited us this past weekend from PA. I had the most wonderful visit with her. We spent two days talking, walking, talking, and more talking. Here's what I love about her: she is not only a truly good listener, but she is geniunely curious and interested in those around her. I have admired her mothering approach for the past ten years that I've known her. When I commented this weekend on what a loving mom she was to her two boys, she shared that she treats her children like people, and does not talk down to them. That didn't surprise me, as I have witnessed the way she communicates with them. She allows her children to be who they are, and adapts her parenting style to each child. She has a reservoir of patience that astounds me, and she validates their feelings.

I grew up with younger sisters, and feel blessed now that I have older sisters (in law) who have modeled parenting for me. My brother's wife, Sara, is another mom for whom I have great respect. She is a rock with her children, and creates a safe, consistent environment for them to play and grow. She, too, has a huge amount of patience for her three children.

Joe and I have long discussed what kind of parents we want to be. We have a vision of creating a home where everyone has a voice and is respected for his/her opinion, and where feelings are heard and validated. We want to be consistent, grounded parents who provide stability and love for our children. We want to take the best from our own parents, and learn from those around us who are raising kind, loving, and capable children.

Even with Teri and Sara, there are differences in the ways that I envision being a mama. Still, I respect them and continue to learn from them. The same is true with many other family and friends in our lives with children.

Just yesterday, Joe spoke of our "community", meaning our closest family and friends, in reference to the support they will provide as we raise our children. The idea really resonated with me. I do believe that it takes a community to help us manifest our vision. I don't know the 'how' or 'what' yet of building or enhancing that community; I do believe, though, that our child(ren) need to be around others who share similar values, as much as Joe and I need that for ourselves. We need the support and love of family and friends as we take on the hugely important role of raising children.

And, so, in retrospect, one of the blessings of this past weekend was in sharing our vision and plans with Teri, and being held in love. And, in turn, holding her in love as she continues to consciously raise her sons.

As a last note, I want to blow a big kiss to my dear friend, Kate, who is in Malaysia, and took the time to write comments for each post. Near or far, Kate, you and Ivan are a pillar in our community. I miss you :).

More thoughts on birthing

It occurred to me today that birthing with others present might be a challenge for me. Actually, I think that may be an understatement.

Here's what gave me a clue: Today, I was experiencing intestinal distress. I'm not sure what caused it; I only know that I was alone in my house, and as soon as a mildly strong cramp came upon me, I reached over and closed the door.

Initially, it struck me as funny that I had closed the door. The only other living being in the house was my cat, Phoebe. I wondered if it was merely habitual, having grown up with six other family members around me. Perhaps that is true to some degree; however, there is another truth. I closed the door because I much prefer to be alone while in distress.

Then I realized another lurking truth. In the throws of labor, those around me may need strong shields. I have no idea how I will handle having all eyes upon me while in pain, or strong discomfort, and vulnerable. I am not proud of this. I would much prefer to be a centered, though intense, birthing woman. However, I have an inkling that those around me may see another, more feisty, if you will, side. After all, I won't be able to close the door behind me when those strong urges and contractions arise.

My sister-in-law, in recounting this insight to her, suggested that I be pro-active about this. For example, she suggested that I leave little post-it-notes apologizing in advance, and sharing my appreciation for each person with me. If I shoot Joe a nasty look, he can then pick up a note, and remember its not about him. Clever idea.

A side-ways turtle

I am barely six months pregnant (its week 25), and I must admit that I'm feeling a bit like a side-ways turtle these past few days. I had shared with a couple of other mamas that I was experiencing shortness of breath and dizziness on occasion, though it usually passes quite quickly. Today, I went out to meander around Harvard Square before a jewelry-making class for a couple of hours. I often do this - head in a direction with hours to kill and enjoy the luxury of walking and stopping wherever I choose. This outing, however, was quite a challenge physically. I would walk into stores, sit down for a few minutes to catch my breath, and then would get up and slowly creep around the block once again.

Now, I'm not in tip-top shape, but I've been getting out walking every day for nearly an hour, and doing stairs on occasion. I have felt great for the most part throughout this pregnancy. I am not sure if my body is simply adjusting, and maybe its cramped quarters around my diaphram (where is that anyway?), or if I am simply tired, or haven't been getting enough protein or water.

So, trimester 3 is starting to feel like the last leg of a race, or physical challenge, minus the competition. I remember a triathlon that I participated in a few years ago. The first leg, the swimming, was disorienting - never before had I been in such close proximity with so many swimmers at once - and I was pacing myself for all that was ahead. I was excited, nervous and basically going with the crowd. By the second leg, the bike, I was really enjoying the experience. I had struck out on my own, and began to think more about overall racing strategy. I was feeling good and on my way.... The last leg, the run, was by far the most challenging. Although the finish line was near, there was still a ways to go, though my body was tired. I had to trust that my body would carry me through, and that I had much more capacity than I believed at the moment. The mind/body connection became more important than ever. I surrendered to the experience, and finished feeling quite good, actually. (Seems like a good metaphor for the birth process itself...)

To be truthful, the 3rd trimester is incredibly exciting to me. It feels like we're so close to meeting our child outside the womb, yet I am still able to be one with my baby in this intimate experience of pregnancy. Joe and I have time and space to process what's ahead, and I am able to enjoy the duality of being with child, and having so much freedom.

What I have gleemed from yesterday is how important it is right now to fuel myself in a slow, steady way. AND, to keep getting out there to walk, and trusting my body when it needs rest. So, if I am a turtle on some days, so be it.

More lessons...

Last night, Joe and I had dinner with a family member who was asking about our birthing plan. As soon as the topic came up, I could feel my insides tighten. I braced myself for the questions that I, myself, am still exploring. What I know is that I intuitively trust, or believe in, home birth as a gentle and safe way to bring a baby into this world. However, I could hear the tone of my voice, and feel the tightness of my breathing, and sense that I was immediately on the defense.

Here's the reality. I know that some people who we care about will not agree with or fully understand this decision. I also have heard concerns that home birthing, while comfortable for the mother, may not be safe for the baby. That one, in particular, triggers me. If I did not believe this was safe for my baby, I would not be choosing this path. (Of course, I also believe that what triggers us is really about our own insecurities. Clearly, I am not yet feeling totally grounded in my own mothering instincts.) I realize that home birthing is not necessarily something many people are knowledgable about, and only months ago, I, myself, may have raised an eyebrow. Why not birth in a hospital, where you have every back-up medical device and trained professional that you may need? What if...?

Before bed last night, I picked up the book I am reading, "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth". I know it may not sound like a relaxing, bedtime book, but its quite reassuring. It has many stories of women's birthing experiences, most of them homebirth, but many in a birthing center and some within hospitals. These stories remind me of all the reasons for this choice, and of all the resources available to me. However, I was only a few stories into it when I put the book down, placed my hands on my belly, and whispered, "what do YOU want?"

I haven't lost my mind. Even though Joe and I play "magic 8-ball" with the baby's kicks (kick once if you are a boy... kick once if you want to be named 'x'...), I did not expect to get a response. My hope was that I would connect with my intuition about giving birth.

No response. I had jumped on the worry boat and was momentarily riding through the rocky waters of self-doubt. You see, when others ask me "yeah but, aren't you worried about this?" or say "my only worry is...", a part of me tightens up. I know that place - the worry boat - and that's not the platform I want to carry me through this wonderful, and yet vulnerable, time. So I tense up, as if to defend myself from jumping on that raft, until I remember to breathe again.

When I awoke this morning, I was contemplating my reaction last night, and what it was really all about. What I came up with is this: I was in the place of needing others to understand and approve of our choice. We actually do have the support of our family. Its my own need to feel that my mothering instincts are not being judged, or questioned. I know this is fruitless, for how others view me and my choices is through their own lens of the world. The real question is: Do I have confidence in myself, and our ability to choose what's best for our baby, given all the unknowns?

Here, again, is the practice of letting go. Letting go of needing others to agree with our choices; Letting go of needing to have it all figured out, or to be 100% sure; Letting go of looking for answers in any place other than within ourselves.

When I step off that worry-boat (I'm really milking this, aren't I?), I do feel confident. That doesn't mean that I don't have worries or fears that linger in the recesses, and sometimes forefront of my mind. Am I really mama-material? Will everything be ok?

I remind myself: Let go of the controls, Erin. You're in for the ride of your life, and you will never "know" for certain what's ahead. Follow your instincts.