Late night musings

On one of my late night "waddles" to the bathroom, I wondered what it will REALLY be like to have a baby. How would it change even the little things in my life? I remember my cousin telling me that we had 9 months of pregnancy to get used to the idea of becoming a parent. For me, the 9 months have been more about experiencing pregnancy and processing this time of my life. What it will mean to be a mama feels like the next phase, and still so vague and unknown to me.

I wonder what kind of mom I will be, and how it will change me. I wonder the same for my husband. I wonder what my child will be like, look like, smell like, sound like. Will I fall in love right away? Will I have to tiptoe to the bathroom at night so as not to wake the two sleeping bodies in my bedroom? Will I be able to indulge in a hot bath every night, or will 'slipping away' prove to be more of a challenge? Will I figure most of it out naturally, or will this feel like an awkward, uncordinated dance that I will simply need to adjust to? So many questions. Reminds me of my favorite poem, by Rilke:

"I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…"

Love that.