Saying goodbye

A couple of months ago, I wrote about mourning the losses of being without child, and having the freedom and space to pursue our hearts desires. Last evening, as I was driving, I began to think again of how much my life, our lives, are about to change. I momentarily filled up with great emotion and I began to cry. I felt a deep gratitude and appreciation for the past ten years of my life. They have been my "coming to age", so to speak, and have held tremendous growth for me and for my relationship. Life has been good to me, and to us. We have gone through many phases of coupledom together; We have started over again and again with our jobs, city, home, progression of the relationship, and our dreams and desires. There was a time when work lacked meaning for Joe, and he was searching for his passion. I, at that time, was consumed with the demands of my job and profession and struggled to let work go when I walked in the door. Now, Joe is very engaged in a profession that ultimately benefits the environment and sustainability (ahhh, a passion...) and has his own struggles now with balancing work with the rest of his life. I, on the other hand, am building a practice that I dreamt of for over six years and finding life balance, at the moment, to be quite generous. I know that we will again find ourselves in very different places six months from now. The memories are so sweet to me as I think back to our journey up to this point. For ten years, it has been me and Joe. The two of us creating our lives in a parallel, intertwining fashion.

I know how important it is to really acknowledge, and honor, endings. They help prepare us for embracing the new beginning and free up our energies to be with "what is" now. When we don't truly say goodbye, we often find ourselves longing for the way it was, or spending precious energy avoiding the sadness or pain.

So, as I reached Joe's voicemail on his cell phone last night while tears were welling in my eyes, all I could say was "Thank You." And then I believe an "I'll miss you ~ I'll miss us" found its way to my lips. It sounds like a strange thing to say to the man who, God-willing, will continue to be with me for many more years. And, yet, it felt true. I will miss him as he is today. We will both change, greatly, as we enter parenthood and we make room in our marriage for a child (and hopefully more children to follow). I imagine there will be wonderful changes, and not-so-wonderful changes, along the way.

I told my friend, Jackie, this weekend that I felt as if I would be "re-creating" my life all over again once I meet the baby. Without knowing who this person is, or who I am in relation to this being, or going through the transition, I can not yet fully see this new picture of my life. I find myself breathing deep when I get ahead of myself and want to color it all in now. Its like discovering a treasure. You can imagine what lies within, and yet, until its opened, it remains a mystery.