Merry Christmas!

Mama on the run!

So, today marks a full month since my water broke (actually, Sunday morning at 9am). I have only been outside three times since then, and once in three weeks. My mom called me this a.m. and said "Erin, you need to get outside today!". I agreed. Joe had said the same thing earlier this a.m., and I woke up ready to take the next step. Once Amelia had a good feeding this afternoon, I handed her to Joe and told him to call my cell phone if he needs me. Then, I set out to Central Square on foot to buy the last of my Christmas gifts.
I felt like a teenager sneaking out at night (let's hope that Amelia does not take after me as a teen). I felt a nervous thrill as I huffed it, singlemindedly, to the Gap. I noticed the holiday decorations and lights, since I had last been out the day after Thanksgiving when decorations were just being set. I passed anyone who was walking even mildly fast, walked into the Gap, grabbed a gift within two minutes of being in the store, and made my way to the counter. The retail clerk asked me "how are you today?" To which I replied (in one breath), "Good, my newborn is at home, need to get back before she needs another feeding..." The clerk replied "Ah. Congratulations. Don't worry, she'll be fine." So, I asked her, "oh, do you have kids??" To which she replied, "No." Oh. Somehow, though, it reassured me momentarily that all was well.
I quickly left the store and began my speed walk back home... until I passed a Starbucks. I was feeling adventurous now, but didn't want to press my luck. I called Joe to see if Amelia was ok, and he told me she was awake and content. So, I stopped off to treat myself to a Starbucks! Oh, the luxury! Then, I huffed it back home with a smile on my face as if I'd just summitted a mountain.
This whole adventure took about 20 minutes, and Amelia was happily swaddled and resting on Daddy's chest when I returned. I was so chatty when I arrived home, after so many days of being inside. Freedom never tasted so good!
(As a last note, I saw a woman with a toddler (girl) on my way and felt so excited at the thought of Amelia and I out in the world!)

A New Day, A New Woman

Yesterday, shortly after that blog posting, a post-partum doula came to take care of us for a few hours. It was a gift from my mother-in-law. When the doula arrived, I told her I had reached a low and was exhausted. She told me that I must nap, and then she made me lunch, did laundry, and took Amelia. I showered, slept a bit, and, mostly, enjoyed the company of another woman. By the time Joe came home, I was re-energized and feeling great. Joe asked me what I learned from the visit with the doula, since he noticed such a change in me. I gave it a moment of thought, and replied "that I need help!"
In every other culture, women are surrounded by other women and cared for following child birth for weeks. They rely on each other for emotional support, and help each other to cope and adjust. Our society tends to be so isolating for new moms. I am already so fortunate to have the support of the mama's group. Two of the mamas came to visit this week and drop off meals. Again, its their presence and empathy and encouragement, though, that I most valued.
Anyways, we are alone today but all is well. Being cared for yesterday has given me energy for today. My cup is no longer empty. Amelia had a long awake stretch last night (1am - 4am), but I am coping this a.m.
Joe is taking time off as of this afternoon -yeah!!! We will have him home with us now for 11 days. woo-hoo!

Exhaustion

So, keeping it real here... I am utterly exhausted. Amelia is not sleeping long stretches at night. She goes in and out of sleep all night, nursing in between, with 40 minute stretches being the norm. She also does not like to be put down by herself, so I end up with her sleeping on my chest.
The mornings are getting more difficult, because I want to beg Amelia to sleep longer (if only you could reason with newborns...). I feel like a zombie getting up. I long for a shower, to wash my face and brush my teeth, to get myself breakfast, etc., and yet Amelia needs feeding, and then falls asleep on my chest. I plan my escapes (meaning moments of putting her down and then darting to the bathroom) very thoughtfully.
Many people have given me advice about putting Amelia down and letting her cry. At 3 weeks old, I am choosing to soothe her, and keep her as content as possible. This does mean that my own self-care has to take a back seat for now. Eventually, I intend to learn how to take care of myself first so as to be a better mom to Amelia. Learning how to "sling" her while I walk around the house, etc. will give me greater freedom. We've practiced the sling a few times, but haven't gotten it down yet. Patience...
Ironically, the first two weeks were a lot easier than week 3 (and likely 4). The compounded lack of sleep, as well as cabin fever (I've been outside once for 5 minutes in 3 weeks), and Amelia becoming more alert and vocal, are challenging.
It occurred to me this morning that I need to pull my confidence "out of my back pocket". It is easy to slip into a place of feeling inadequate as a new mom, and yet I am doing the very best I can on limited resources. I need to be very gentle with myself, which my husband models for me with his gentleness towards us both. I wish I could push a "pause" button, and head out to get a massage, sleep for 8 hours, go to yoga, etc., and then come back for the next stretch of evening into morning...and press "play" again!

Staying in the moment

Last night, Amelia slept in little stretches, with 40 minutes being the longest. I am one exhausted mama, and my nipples (sorry, guys) are very, very sore from so much latching. Thankfully, I had napped for a couple of hours two days in a row, and my patience was at a high, especially compared to two nights ago when everything brought me to tears. We waited it out, Amelia and I, and were very happy when Daddy took over at 6 am. Joe and I decided that two tired parents were no good, so we agreed that Joe would sleep on the 3rd floor for awhile. Its been a huge help, because he takes great care of us during the day. I highly recommend this strategy to any new parents-to-be. Having one of you well rested makes for a stronger team.

Our midwife came by today for our 2nd to last visit. Amelia weighed in at 8 pounds 12 ounces. She has gained 1 pound within the last two weeks. Very good eater! She still seems teeny to me, though her looks have changed since her birth. She looks more like her daddy now than she did when she arrived.

As you know from my former postings, being a new mama is more challenging that I imagined. My coping strategy is to focus only on today. I get overwhelmed when I think of night after night of not sleeping, and so much breastfeeding, diaper changing, etc. When I look too far ahead, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'd rather not know, but to trust that it does get easier and I will, eventually, reclaim some freedom.

In the meantime, I just need to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way. And to remember to enjoy the moments of closeness as she is curled on my chest. Staying in the moment - seems the best strategy all around.

Two weeks old today

Amelia is sound asleep on my chest as I write this. She has given me the gift lately of being able to comfort her by holding her close and keeping my cheek against hers. She loves this position, and will calm down fairly easily when I do this. It is very rewarding to be able to comfort my baby.

Joe is home from work today, and I am very appreciative. Not only am I exhausted, but I am emotionally drained. I am not sure that we, mamas, can prepare ourselves for being "on call" 24 hours a day, and needed so much during that time. Physically, my breasts are very sore, my back aches from holding her so much, and the rest of my body is still healing from birth. Just when I am ready to close my eyes for a cat nap, she seems to wake up and want to nurse. Emotionally, I am not yet able to see how I will ever be able to prepare a meal, or take a long bubble bath, or make plans without worrying about when she will wake up or want to nurse or be held. I do know that all of that will work itself out, but I can't see how or when yet. I know this is temporary, and yet its difficult to see the end, or what is next.

Having said all of this, I also feel very good about these past two weeks. I feel very bonded to her. I love seeing her face when she wakes up, and even when she is sleeping. I love hearing her sounds, and feeling her warm body against mine.

So, we made it through our first two weeks together. I have one more week "on my own", and then Joe is off for 10 days around Christmas. After the holidays, I will hopefully have more energy and be out & about a bit with Amelia.

Joe is now holding Amelia while she sleeps, so I am going to run upstairs and take a hot bath while I can! Never before has every free minute been so precious...

Our first day on our own...

I was fortunate to have my mom stay with us for a week, and then Joe's mom take care of us for a few days. Both of our moms spoiled us rotten, and I was able to stay on the couch for most of the day and nurse and hold Amelia. They made me meals, did laundry, grocery shopped, changed her diaper, etc. Lynn, my mother-in-law, left yesterday and I had lined up a dear friend of mine to visit us this a.m. She came down with a cold, unfortunately, so we both agreed it was better for her not to visit. So, we are on our own...
Amelia has had long stretches of being awake lately, including one last night. Her tummy was bothering her (I'm learning what NOT to eat!), and she was uncomfortable for a few hours. I did get some sleep - probably 5 hours total - and we woke up ready to face our first day on our own.
I miss our moms!! Getting breakfast, changing her diaper (it still is uncomfortable to bend down and sit), going to the bathroom, getting dressed, etc. are a challenge with a newborn. I started watching a movie and realized that Amelia, too, was staring at the TV. I called Joe to ask when we should stop watching tv with her around, because I don't want her mesmorized at such a young age. However, to me, its a savior right now. I can see how our best laid plans can be challenging to live out.
Joe's company sent us a blanket with her name on it. I cried when I saw it. Her name is so sweet to me ~ Amelia. Of course, I cry when I think about my birth, or pregnancy, or even laundry for that matter. Well, not laundry yet, but I'm sure that will happen one of these days. Its also hard for me not to clean up. Learning to be with the mess, and just rest and enjoy Amelia is another challenge. We can't wait for daddy to get home from work...
So, we are taking it hour by hour. I may hire a post-partum doula for a few afternoons to help ease the transition and give me a break to take a shower, or bath, or nap. I am not so good at asking or soliciting help, so I keep putting this off. Joe and I decided to see how today goes ~ my "trial day", and then to determine what kind of support I need.
So, there it is. Ramblings of a very tired mama. Not sure if I'll keep this blog going, or start a new one, or what. Not even sure if anyone is reading it right now. If you're out there, let me know.

Day 6 with Amelia

I can't believe that its been almost a week, and yet it feels like so long ago that I was pregnant and waiting. I have shared with some mamas that the end of my pregnancy felt very abrupt. One day, we're thinking we may have two weeks left, I'm enjoying my big belly, and wondering when she will arrive. Then, all the laboring began and the days began to blur. And, now, I am lying here with my baby girl, my deflating belly, and have only two more appointments with my midwife, Kelley, who I will deeply miss. There are moments when I feel very sad about the ending of my pregnancy. And then I hold Amelia and think of all that's ahead of us. Birth and now being a mama is truly a lesson in living in the moment, and focusing on what's here now, as it will soon change.

She is beautiful. I know that we are partial, of course, but it was all that I could say when she was placed on my belly in the hospital. I can't believe that she is our child. Joe and I just look at each other in awe and wonder how we were so blessed. I layed in bed the other night saying thank you, thank you, thank you with tears streaming down my cheeks. After everything, here she is.

My mom has been taking care of us ~ cooking, cleaning, baking, shopping, etc.. since Thursday. She is leaving on Friday, and Joe's mom is coming for three days. I am still on "bed rest" and will be looking forward to some friends visiting next week.

So, one day at a time with Amelia... and more in love every day.

A few pics of Amelia & Update

Here she is - our amazing Amelia. What we know already: she has a very rhaspy cry (her parents both have rhaspy voices, so no wonder), she is strong, and she is a vigorous eater! OUCH!!!

There are many things that I was not at all prepared to encounter, and likely for the better. The labor continues, but in a very different way. I've probably only had 6 - 10 hours of sleep (???) since Tuesday. I do need to learn to nap when she sleeps, but I usually prefer to take advantage of the quiet and just hold her, or do something "ordinary" like check e-mail, etc..

My physical recovery looks like 2 weeks of mainly being in bed. That is such a challenge for me. Yesterday, I came down from the high of the birthing experience and the excitement of meeting my little girl. Its amazing. I began to feel sadness for the end of pregnancy (the intimacy and quiet of her in my belly), and for the end of the birthing process (so emotional and intense).

I imagine this transition from now until ? to be filled with so many emotions, surprises, tears, etc. The journey has only just begun...

One thing is for certain - Amelia Eve is a blessing that I could never have imagined already. I am a very proud mama...