Mourning the losses

It must seem strange to see "mourning the losses" as the title of my 2nd entry. Bear with me...

I was napping today (yes, I do recognize the luxury of this), and was in and out of a dreamy state. In one of my quasi-dreams, I heard an infant crying. I knew that it wasn't my baby yet; however, it was loud and I was wanting to talk with my husband, so I was searching for the source of this cry to shut it off. It was then that I felt a deep, sudden pang of sadness. Soon enough, there will be no means of shutting it off. I realized that my life with my husband, as I know it now, will forever be over. And then I woke up suddenly.

I have been thinking quite a bit about the "losses" that come with giving birth to a child. The gains seemed to flood me from the beginning, as my husband and I have longed to start a family. The losses, though, began to hit me within the last couple of weeks, as I move through the end of my second trimester.

I've been with my beloved, Joe, for ten years now. We've lived quite a full decade together, and devoted a lot of time and attention to our relationship. We've travelled extensively over the years, and been able to carve out as much time for each other as we've needed, or wanted. You will soon learn, if you do not know me already, that I value freedom and independence almost above all else. So, the realization that my life, and our life, will change so drastically scares me. I know that the attention between Joe and I will be further divided, as we tend to the baby and the stressors in our life increase. I have no way of knowing how these changes will affect us, or how we will adapt, both separately and together.

As I sat with this more, I began to see this as one of the great lessons of "mamahood", and only the tip of the iceberg of it... Letting Go. Allowing changes to happen, and allowing myself to be changed in the process. It feels so easy to cling to the "way its been", because its comforting, and familiar. And yet, I know deep down that allowing myself to be with the losses will open up more space to embrace what's yet to come... and to realize the growth, and all the joys and sorrows, that comes along with it.

Even as I understand this, experiencing loss doesn't feel good. It simply feels like loss - empty and heavy at times, or sometimes just empty. That is when I believe we tend to fill the void with fears, or regrets, or the desire to cling. Its being with the emptiness that is the challenge.

I am grateful that I have people in my life who are also open to acknowledging losses, rather than skimming over them. So, to those of you who know who you are, thank you :). You make my life richer as you provide me the space and opportunity to grow. (And Joe is the very best at this, which is pretty amazing since he is a self-described "fixer").