Bodily Changes

I went to the bookstore today to pick up Ann Lamott's book, Operating Instructions, in which she chronicles the first year following the birth of her son. I couldn't wait to read it, so began to skim the first chapter on my walk back home. (Not such a good idea, by the way, to walk four miles in flip flops in the summer heat during pregnancy.) Within her first paragraph, she writes "I woke up with a start at 4:00 one morning and realized that I was very, very pregnant." She was six months pregnant at the time.

This made me laugh; I remember walking downstairs one evening, hiking up my shirt to reveal my belly to Joe, and asking "when did this happen?" It felt as though I popped over night. My belly seemed to change from a barely noticable swell to a round, pregnant belly. Recently, I caught my reflection in a store window and had a similar reaction. "Wow. Now when did that happen?"

I remain in awe of my body through this pregnancy. The way that my breasts swelled within weeks (maybe even days) of conception; the ways that my veins surfaced; the amazing super-pumping of my heart; the change in my skin; and the swelling of my belly. I could go on and on. Some of the changes have been less welcome, of course, like the confused mass of hair on my head that has gone from curly to who-knows-what, and has seemingly grown more grey; the heartburn that keeps me up at night; The multitude of bathroom visits day and night: The low tolerance of even moderately warm temperatures; And, carrying around extra weight in just about every area of my body.

To me, every pregnant woman is beautiful. It is one time in our lives where the sacredness and miracle of our bodies is palpable. And yet, as a pregnant woman, there are many times when I pass by a mirror and think "oy veh".

These are old thoughts that creep up on me, and its easy for me to forget what pregnancy is teaching me. My body truly is sacred; the choices I make for what I put into it, or how I use it, are choices that will affect the quality of life for both me and my baby. These are important choices, no doubt. They are not choices, however, that I want to make based on how I'd like to look to others, or from a place of self-critique. This can be a sticky point for me. There are many moments when I've needed a large dose of self-compassion.

I have no clue what it will be like to experience the changes yet to come in my pregnancy. Every new sensation in my body, when I pay attention to it, surprises me. Some delight me, others give me pause. All make me wonder how on earth our bodies operate the way that they do, and how self-sufficient the whole system truly is. All I really need to do is pay attention to what's happening, and tend to it, as best I can.

My challenge, at this point, is to stay open to all of the lessons, to deepen my compassion, and to keep a sense of humor about it all. I've longed to experience pregnancy. And much of it truly is humorous, in addition to being miraculous. After all, it feels as if an unknown creature has taken up residence in my mid-section, and is making him or herself right at home (thankfully).

Before the end of this journey, I would like to capture my pregnant body on film by a photographer, do a paper-mache "mask" of my pregnant upper body to collage, and enjoy a beautiful henna design on my belly. My intention is not to let judgements of my body interfere with my desire to fully experience, and celebrate, this amazing, temporary, gift.

Here's to grace that will allow me to embrace all of the changes yet ahead...