Welcome, Amelia Eve!

On Thursday morning at 6:11a.m., we welcomed our beautiful baby girl, Amelia Eve. I will post more about the birth experience when I am more rested. It did not turn out as planned, and was much more challenging than I could have expected. However, it was still beautiful, gentle, and extraordinarly special.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and wishes. We will post pics and more information when I am a bit more rested and recovered.

Its begun...

Hello friends and family,

Some of you know that labor signs began early on Sunday morning. We thought the baby would arrive by Sunday night, but that wasn't the plan. Yesterday, it was a day of close contractions (every 2-3 minutes for awhile), and then more sporatic ones. I've been getting to bed around 8pm, and having contractions every 30 minutes or so. I sleep well in between them, but they can be intense. We are all set up for the actual labor - birthing tub and all.

The baby is doing well, I am doing well, and we are resetting our expectations to meeting the bean by the end of the week. Joe will likely be going back to work tomorrow, and my mom will come and keep me company. I've been physically and emotionally drained these last two days, so now I am focusing on restoring as best I can.

What we need now is lots of prayers. Soon enough, we'll share the news!

Love,
Erin

Soon enough

My body is preparing for labor, it seems. My cervix is now soft and effaced. As of last night, I am not yet dialated, but it does feel that labor is somewhat near. Joe and I keep asking each other "what will we do once our midwives leave??", and then we break out into nervous laughter. We imagine ourselves holding our beloved bean... and wondering where to find the operating instructions!

Birthday Reflections

Today is my birthday, and I've wondered for several months if I might share it with the bean. I will admit that I am pleased not to, although I am eager for the bean to arrive. I love to create meaningful, sacred birthdays for myself. If I were to share the day with my child, I envision messy cupcakes, running around, and perhaps not carving out the time or space for reflection and celebration.

As I look back on this year, I am incredibly grateful for my path. A year ago, we were beginning our visits to Boston IVF, wondering if being parents was 1, 2, 3 or more years away. I began to cut back my work hours last November, and dream of my own coaching practice and taking a year to take care of myself. And, now, here I am! There have been so many unforeseen treasures through this pregnancy journey and life transition.

What stands out in my mind is the women that I've met, or reconnected with, this year. From the women I've coached, to old friends who reflect the best of me, to new friends who have shared their wisdom and kindness, I am blessed. I also feel a renewed appreciation for my family, who offers me support and acceptance no matter what choices I make.

This has been the sweetest year of my life in so many ways. I have come to know myself on deeper levels, and enjoyed my company even more than before. I am pursuing my passion and purpose, and am surrounded by others doing the same. Even though there are still plenty of areas of growth and healing for me, I feel that I accomplished what truly mattered this year - inner well-being. And its no surprise that the bean "took root" during this time.

As I look ahead to next year, my intention is to be gentle with myself as I learn to care for my baby and to continue to tend to the other important areas of my life. I want to embrace the awkwardness, the uncertainty, the humor of it all. To allow myself to be imperfect, to learn, and to trust that I am fully capable of providing my child with all the love and support he or she needs to flourish... even in the midst of what might seem like chaos.

My henna belly & belly cast

Here are photos of my henna belly (it has since darkened and looks very cool), and the belly cast. If you read back to July, I shared my intention of doing both of these before my delivery. I am so happy that I did. The henna design was a blessingway that a wonderful doula, Corina Pinkerton, did for me at her home. She welcomed me with tea, delicious lentil soup, candles, and lots of care. The pics didn't turn out great, but you can see the design. I will also cherish the belly cast for as long as it endures. I'd like to paint a "bean" in the center eventually! My belly actually looks very small in the middle picture. In reality, its huge! Joe and I can't believe how large it has gotten in the last couple of weeks.

LLL Meeting

I went to my first La Leche League meeting last night. There were about 12 other mamas there (maybe more), and we discussed topics from co-sleeping to breast pumps to eating solids. I left there feeling less urgency around making friends with the daunting breast pump. Another pregnant mama described getting it in the mail and putting it right away because she didn't even want to look at it. I, too, have avoided 'the machine'. I had my sister-in-law come over and tell me what I needed to do. I got up and left (thankfully her kids wanted my attention) as she continued to explain it to my husband. Its so unappealing.

Another pregnant mom shared her "fantasy" about getting back to the gym a month after the baby arrives. I could relate to this fantasy, too. Hearing other moms saying 'take it easy', 'listen to your body', 'you may still be bleeding', etc., helps me to get a more realistic picture of what post-partum may be like. My fantasy includes cooking a magnficent Christmas dinner for my husband (the baby may only be 2 weeks old?!). I guess we can't really fathom what we'll feel like until we arrive...

Anyways, I met some of the other mamas from the "mama group" there. I am in terrific company with these women. I feel blessed to have met so many wonderful women throughout this pregnancy journey.

Oh, I'll be sure to post my henna belly today!!

Trusting my body

(Disclaimer: I anticipate an increase in postings as I pass time during these final pregnancy days.) I realized today that I am harboring a fear or belief that I will not go into labor spontaneously. If I do not go into labor naturally within a couple of weeks of my due date, I then face a greater likelihood of being hospitalized. I wish that there was a magic formula that I could take to ripen my cervix and prepare this baby for delivery. I imagine that getting my mind off labor may be a good first step, other than some positive visualization.

Now is the time for me to trust my body. My pregnancy was a result of an insemination, and I have some lingering mistrust that my body may not do what it needs to do on its own.

I believe its time to come to terms with this fear. To see it for what is (a fear), and to know that I will handle that. And, then, to focus on sending messages of trust and confidence in my body, and myself.

For those of you who read this blog, I really welcome your good wishes, positive thoughts, wisdom as I navigate these last days of pregnancy. Please don't be shy; I value and need to feel the support of a greater community as I prepare to cross this threshold...

An exciting Sunday!

Yesterday was an exciting day all around. For a few minutes, we thought we detected a second heartbeat! We were all confused, and giddy, as we pulled out two dopplers to see if they were the same. Initially, the heartbeats sounded different. Kelley was asking me not to laugh, because I was so overjoyed for a moment. However, we then all concluded that it was the same heartbeat and just strange that we detected it in the two places we did.

All of that excitement led to an evening of contractions. We timed them at 3 minutes apart, and then a bit more random (i.e. 1 minute, 5 minutes, etc.). They were mild, and I kept telling Joe that they were Braxton Hicks. Seeing how they are gone today, I was right. My stomach contracts now very frequently, though I am not feeling the lower pelvic contractions that I did last night.

We feel that we still have atleast a week ahead of us, if not closer to two. My cervix is still firm, the baby is high, and I don't feel that it will be imminent. Joe is just waiting for this baby to arrive! His face was lit with excitement as he enthusiastically timed each contraction. Even though he feels the baby's kicks and movements daily, he has not been able to feel this baby as I have. I can imagine how much he just wants to hold him or her in his arms.

Now, this whole birth feels like a great mystery to me. The gender, even the number (ok, so my rational mind says 1, but a part of me is holding onto the possibility of 2), the position, the arrival date, the whole experience... Arrive, baby bean, arrive!!!

Max and "the boy"

Oh my! My belly looks so big in this photo. We had a sleep-over with my niece and nephew this weekend. My nephew, Max, heard me telling the story about PUPPPs to his mom, and started calling my belly "the boy". He kept asking "is that the boy?" as he peeked under my shirt, and "is the boy coming out soon?" Max has two sisters and three girl cousins. He is surrounded by girls and his parents, at least, are pulling for a boy cousin! It seems that Max is now, too.

We did a belly cast today, which was way cool! I'll post a photo of it this week. Its wild for me to see my belly from a different perspective. I forget that it is as round and large as it is. On Tuesday, I am treating myself to a beautiful henna belly design! Fun!

Will it be a boy?!

A few weeks ago, I noticed small red bumps on my belly. They were a bit itchy, but not too bothersome. I then noticed that my belly was very red, and hot, as compared to the rest of my belly. I shared this with my midwife, who did research and believes that its a condition called PUPPPs. This is really harmless, and likely related to liver functioning, and something that will not cause any harm to the baby (although the baby may have a rash when s/he is born).

Interestingly, most women who have PUPPPs during pregnancy are carrying a boy! When I first became pregnant, I really believed that I was carrying a girl. I changed my mind at around 5 months, when I kept dreaming about a baby boy and I started to "carry like its a boy". Most everyone guesses boy when they look at my belly.

I suddenly began to think it was a girl again, as soon as we got within "touchdown zone" of having the baby.

So, I really have no idea what gender this baby is ~ though it was interesting to read that PUPPPs has a greater occurrence in women carrying boys. We'll see!

Late night musings

On one of my late night "waddles" to the bathroom, I wondered what it will REALLY be like to have a baby. How would it change even the little things in my life? I remember my cousin telling me that we had 9 months of pregnancy to get used to the idea of becoming a parent. For me, the 9 months have been more about experiencing pregnancy and processing this time of my life. What it will mean to be a mama feels like the next phase, and still so vague and unknown to me.

I wonder what kind of mom I will be, and how it will change me. I wonder the same for my husband. I wonder what my child will be like, look like, smell like, sound like. Will I fall in love right away? Will I have to tiptoe to the bathroom at night so as not to wake the two sleeping bodies in my bedroom? Will I be able to indulge in a hot bath every night, or will 'slipping away' prove to be more of a challenge? Will I figure most of it out naturally, or will this feel like an awkward, uncordinated dance that I will simply need to adjust to? So many questions. Reminds me of my favorite poem, by Rilke:

"I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer…"

Love that.

Not Ready Yet

I had a dream last night that I could see and feel the outline of the baby's head and fist. I went to hold the baby's hand, and s/he jumped. I was so excited to make contact with my baby, and yet cautious in not startling him or her. I woke up, and was bummed that it was a dream.

My midwife came over today to check my cervix and do some bloodwork. My cervix felt more like a non-pregnant woman's; in other words, it was very firm. I've started taking things like castor oil (very gross) and evening primrose oil to soften my cervix. These methods apparently work over time, so no affect yet.

Its possible that things could change quickly; however, more likely, I will still be pregnant two weeks from now. Hopefully, I will not be pregnant four weeks from now.

I wonder how much of my birthing readiness depends on my emotional readiness for the baby's arrival. It feels like the chicken and the egg. Which comes first? If my hormones change, I may start nesting more fervently, and that may also impact my emotional readiness. Or, if I focus on visioning my birth, breathing, sending messages to the baby, perhaps my body will respond. From what I know from coaching, there is a powerful connection between our body, our mind, our spirit. So, I imagine that my birthing readiness can be affected both ways - from physical hormonal shifts, as well as emotional 'preparation'. Interesting thought.

Now, my husband is waiting and keeping up with my change of tides. One day it seems that I'll go early, and then I believe I'll be late. I created a "countdown til the bean arrives" calendar that I hung in the kitchen. For each day, it shows how many days left til my due date (including negative past-due dates), and a description of the personality for someone born on that day from a fun birthday book. I made this for Joe. We are counting down with both eagerness and also awareness around how fleeting this "quiet" time is for us.

Emotional Tides of Pregnancy

So, I find myself brought to tears at the most innocuous moments. For example, Joe and I were watching the classic movie, The Incredible Shrinking Woman, and I actually began to cry as she disappeared (ok, ok, its not a classic, but I loved it as a kid). Last night, I cried while watching Home Makeover Edition, and also during Brothers & Sisters. Today, I cried as I watched Celine Dion sing to a member of Oprah's audience, and then again to the lyrics of one of Celine's songs. This is all within 24 hours. Clearly, it doesn't take much these days.

Hormonally, pregnancy is a bizarre journey. A friend of mine asked me months ago if I felt hormonally wacky. I did not. Maybe my husband would answer differently. Now, though, I feel "tender"; meaning, easily moved, more sensitive, and less resilient, as if I've lowered my tolerance of both stress and any unkindness.

Tonight, I feel grumpy and irritable. I didn't leave the house today, which my husband couldn't believe, seeing how I am someone who is usually 'on the go'. Is this nesting? Perhaps.

We started a pool with our family and a few friends today. They all guessed the delivery date, sex, and weight. Whoever guesses closest to the delivery date, and then sex and weight for any ties, wins. We have 19 guesses so far. Only two people think this baby will arrive before or on my due date, and most people think its less than 9 pounds.

My guess? Ok. Here it is. 12/4, Girl, 9.6 pounds. I know, I know... I've believed this was a boy all along until last week. We'll see!

The last stretch photo

Here I am at 37 plus weeks and going (or should I say 'growing')! Our changing table arrived yesterday. Just about everything we received via shipping has arrived broken - the table, our moses basket, the moses basket stand... However, we were able to set it up with a missing piece. Waking up to an almost complete baby's room (no crib) was surreal. I am definitely processing this last phase of my transition. Part of me is so eager and excited for baby to arrive; Another part of me feels sad that my pregnancy is ending. Today, I feel that sadness. I have truly loved being pregnant, and experiencing and sharing this journey.

I told Joe it feels like the "calm before the storm" right now. The storm may be the final stages with frantic nesting, or it may be when the baby arrives, but it's coming! I remember standing outside during the 'eye' of Hurricane Gloria in 6th grade. Knowing it would soon pass, I was completely mesmorized at the quiet, still moment in time. That is a bit how I feel right now.

Pregnancy Amnesia

Amnesia - The loss of ability to memorize information and/or recall information stored in memory.

Yesterday, I was e-mailing my brother and said that my blood tests results revealed some amnesia mid-pregnancy. I re-read what I had sent to him, and then corrected myself that it revealed anemia, not amnesia. It made me laugh, because amnesia seems to have struck, too!

Here's my list of what I forget most often these days:
1.) Where I parked my car. Each morning is a bit of a scavenger hunt.
2.) Why I am standing in the middle of the store. What did I need?
3.) My phone number. I have stood, blank, in response to this question.
4.) If I fed the cat. Let's just say that my cat is taking advantage of this. I suspect she's had two breakfasts and dinners on many occasions as of late .
5.) If I brushed my teeth. They, too, are benefiting.
6.) If I turned off the oven, or iron, or whatever other devise I was using.
7.) The word that I'm looking for... (blank, again)

I was pondering this with my friends from the mama's group, and they assured me that it doesn't get any better once the baby is born. We hypothesized that our brain is now allocating resources elsewhere to prepare or care for the baby, and that quick-recall memory is taking the hit. Valid?!

A pic from two weeks ago

Celebrating my mom's birthday with "Auntie Amy", who is like a sister to me. My family and friends know that I love to celebrate, love beautiful cakes and party hats, etc. I am a lover of festivities! So, it will come as no surprise that I found a mini-party hat in Portland this weekend. The hat is smaller than the palm of my hand. So, we bought it for the bean's "birthday". I can't wait to post a pic of him or her with it on... on d-day!

The bean is fully baked!

Tomorrow marks the completion of our 37th week of pregnancy, which means that the bean is "full-term". Woo-hoo! I have an appointment with my midwife today, and I imagine that I will begin a slow, natural induction process now. Kelley recommends small amounts of castor oil each day, as well as evening primrose supplements. This kind of induction doesn't happen over night, but rather slowly softens my cervix. We would do this in response to my protein levels, and to keep me 'in the clear' from toxemia.

The nesting urges come and go with me. I've done most of my organizing and am basically ready for the baby's arrival. I say "basically" because I won't know until it happens. If strong, urgent nesting is a sign of imminent delivery, I don't feel that I'm there yet. I feel, rather, that I'm waiting and resting and ready to go.

I was up much of the night with acid reflux, and found myself thinking "if I were to ask other mamas what they wished they had done a couple of weeks before the baby arrived, assuming they had lots of free time, what would they say? Am I making the most of this time?"

Physically, I'm not as up for long walks, though I will attempt one today. While I recognize that now is the time to get out of the house, my desire is to stay home and prepare for the baby.

Joe and I had a wonderful dinner last night in celebration of our 2/10 anniversary (2 years married, 10 years together). We are not taking much for granted these days. Quiet, lovely nights are cherished.

Our last pre-baby get-away!

Tomorrow is my 2nd wedding anniversary with my husband, and we decided to get away this weekend to celebrate. We chose Portland, Maine, which we visited briefly last year when I was running a half marathon there. We stayed at a secluded inn on Prouts Neck. We were both feeling nostalgic about it being our last pre-baby getaway. We found ourselves saying things like "this is the last time we'll be away and not calling to check in on the baby, or having him or her with us!"

Ironically, we arrived in time for Hurricane Noel. It was wild weather, and we joked about what that meant... a hurricane is about to hit our lives! The weather had us stay inside and relax, which was much needed for Joe.

I turned a corner, and have begun to feel done with my pregnancy. It is now more difficult to get up and to keep up. I feel crampy, with a little nausea on and off, not to mention raging hormones. Truly, I feel like I am on an emotional rollar coaster some days.

I realize that I could potentially have as many as 5 weeks left, or as few as 1. My intention is to move to a place of greater relaxation and opening, and to begin to send messages to my body that I am ready.

My mom sent me a wonderful gift today. It is a "prayer shawl", which is a beautifully hand-knit blanket shawl that was blessed by a community of sisters, the Sisters of Notre Dame. Her note said that she imagines me in this shawl, feeling comforted, as I continue the journey of pregnancy to birthing. So much of my pregnancy has been about being supported by communities of women, and this shawl is yet another reminder of being held. It is beautiful and very meaningful to me.

Now is the time for me to go "inwards", as I prepare myself for the greatest transition of all, and the miracle of child birth. I will keep you all posted on how I fare and if labor seems to be in the near future. If I were to guess, I think the first week of December will bring our baby fully into our lives... and our arms. I think I have a few more weeks of being "done" with pregnancy... we'll see!

My pregnancy "medicine" chest

Thought I'd share this photo of my homeopathic remedies that are keeping me healthy. I'm drinking a lot of brown, not-so-yummy, drinks. I took this photo for posterity, as it will all end soon.