Momfidence!

A few weeks ago, I was on the phone with my friend, Kate, who is living in Malaysia (and who we would be visiting next week if we had not gotten pregnant this year). Kate is also pregnant and due in the spring. We were comparing notes on the various pregnancy books that we received or purchased, and how unhelpful many of them were to us. We both threw out our copies of "What to Expect When You're Expecting", and Kate spoke of some old-fashioned "you can stop dusting so much when the baby comes" advice that irked her. I stopped reading books early in my pregnancy, except those written by mothers who shared their own experiences (like Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year). I was fortunate to stumble upon a fabulous "mama's group" in my area, where I have learned so much first-hand about pregnancy, birthing and the early months. I find this kind of "tried and true" experience to be so much more valuable than doctor-prescribed pregnancy do's and don'ts. Mostly, its usually too late for me when I read not to eat sprouts after eating them almost daily for several weeks.

On this note, Kate shared a favorite book of hers, which is Momfidence! An Oreo Cookie Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets to Happier Parenting. She found the 'trust your intuition' and 'allow yourself to be imperfect' strategy re-assuring.

I've also enjoyed this book, as a balance to the many of the other books and articles I've read. Now, I know this book would turn off many new age moms who do feel strongly that oreos (whose fillings, by the way, are a mix of crisco and sugar - gross!) are damaging. This book, however, offers the opinion that children are much more resilient than we give them credit for, and that we, moms, often lose ourselves in our quest for raising the perfect, healthy, unharmed, most accomplished, protected child; It also suggests that children lose much of the joy in their childhood when playdates, for example, are so structured, pre-planned and monitored.

Now, I must admit my own mama-leaning. I do really value learning about raising confident and secure children, and I think potty-charts (see below) are cute. You will find me "wearing" my child in slings, and our baby will start his or her life by sleeping with us. We do intend to limit refined sugars, and raise our children on whole grain and hearty foods (even if we have to sneak them in there). We plan to give birth at home, and we will not allow our child to be given immunizations without learning about them in advance and choosing to do so. You might say that I am a new age mama. However, I also seek balance, and have no intentions to line my child up for the best pre-school or fill his or her calendar with 5 extra-curricular activities each week. It seems like a lot of pressure to bestow upon our children, and its just not me or my pace; Truthfully, the idea of having so much of my time spent dropping off and picking up the little one turns me off. More importantly, though, I believe in taking care of YOU, the mama, first and foremost, and letting go of standards that keep you up at night feeling inadequate or selfish. As the quote goes "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

The author shared in one of her recent posts the following opinion about modern motherhood. I felt it was valuable food for thought for this blog. I'd love to hear some of your thoughts re: this idea.

"Last, what's missing from the image of modern motherhood [in addition to instinct, common sense, reality, and fun] is…you! And me! The parents! It's always about how to make the child smarter, healthier, happier, sleepier. How to track his every move with star charts, chore charts, sleep charts, potty charts. How to rear a child who's more secure, more obedient, more confident, more motivated to make it to the Ivy League so he or she, too, can join the rat race and raise hypercompetitive kids who will make it to the Ivy League and…wait a minute!

Don't parents count for something? It's SO not popular to say, Spend less time worrying about your kids' lives and more time worrying about yours: your sanity, your marriage, your hopes and dreams. But I'll say it anyway. Sure, there are lots of legitimate things for parents MUST worry about, and I don't want to belittle them. But kids really do grow like weeds--they're more durable and harder to kill than we think, and require a lot less effort to bloom than we think."