To end this blog. I have created a separate blog for Amelia's development and perspective of the world. Also, I have decided to create a new blog that I am inviting other women to join. Its www.consciousmamas.blogspot.com . My hope is that other women will post comments, share questions, etc. My other intention is to share my coaching perspectives and insights, to tie it into my greater purpose.
So, thank you to all of you who read, enjoyed and contributed to this blog. Its been a wonderful, therapeutic journey for me.
Best wishes & please check out my new blog.
Erin
Friday, May 2, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
New Blog
Hi friends,
I started a new blog this week ~ www.adventuresofamazingamelia.blogspot.com. This way, all of our family and friends can tune into her growth and adventures from near or far. I will post lots of pics and share what's new in our world. I will keep this blog going, too. Its a healthy outlet for me to journal my adventures in mamahood.
I started a new blog this week ~ www.adventuresofamazingamelia.blogspot.com. This way, all of our family and friends can tune into her growth and adventures from near or far. I will post lots of pics and share what's new in our world. I will keep this blog going, too. Its a healthy outlet for me to journal my adventures in mamahood.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
To be or not to be...
There is a lot of buzz these days about "attachment parenting". Basically, its the general term for lots of closeness with your baby ~ holding, wearing, sleeping. Its what we've chosen so far with Amelia. We came to a point a few weeks ago, however, where we began to reassess what is truly best for us, as a family and individually. We came to the conclusion that we needed to make some changes.
I remember walking with another mama when Amelia was barely two months old. She commented on how she had not been out (baby-free) for more than 2 or 3 hours on her own since her child's birth - 7 months ago. We talked about the choices we were making, and she said that she did not want to be a martyr. This style of parenting has its consequences. I didn't think much of that comment in the moment, but reflected on it weeks later, when I was feeling too tired for much of anything, except complaining to Joe. I found myself saying "I'm so exhausted, Amelia just isn't a good sleeper..."
Was that true? Or was it a combination of our choices and Amelia's stage of development??
I had to ask myself "What is truly best for Amelia?? What does she need?"
One thing I concluded is that Amelia needs a well-rested, energetic mom. Oh, and sleep. I weighed the benefits of co-sleeping and having her sleep in her sling (strong bonding and attachments, security...) with developing good sleep habits (well-rested, able to soothe self). Not an easy decision for many of us mamas who want to choose the most compassionate approach.
Ultimately, we chose to introduce Amelia to her crib, and to see sleep as the foundation for her growth and happiness. We still hold and love her when she's awake, and we check in on her frequently when she's in her crib. Low and behold, Amelia has been napping better and better each day, and seems more rested and mellow when she is awake.
Still, its hard being a mama, and making choices when some are poised as "good" and others as "bad" or "neglectful". I believe every new mom needs to assess for herself what works for her child, self and family. And the labels (i.e. "attachment parenting") only make it more confusing, in my opinion, because there are so many varying degrees of bonding, loving and raising a child.
Am I an attachment parenting mama? To some degree. I am also realizing the value of creating a structure within which Amelia can thrive. (Oh, and that is not exclusive of tons of love and fun within that!)
I remember walking with another mama when Amelia was barely two months old. She commented on how she had not been out (baby-free) for more than 2 or 3 hours on her own since her child's birth - 7 months ago. We talked about the choices we were making, and she said that she did not want to be a martyr. This style of parenting has its consequences. I didn't think much of that comment in the moment, but reflected on it weeks later, when I was feeling too tired for much of anything, except complaining to Joe. I found myself saying "I'm so exhausted, Amelia just isn't a good sleeper..."
Was that true? Or was it a combination of our choices and Amelia's stage of development??
I had to ask myself "What is truly best for Amelia?? What does she need?"
One thing I concluded is that Amelia needs a well-rested, energetic mom. Oh, and sleep. I weighed the benefits of co-sleeping and having her sleep in her sling (strong bonding and attachments, security...) with developing good sleep habits (well-rested, able to soothe self). Not an easy decision for many of us mamas who want to choose the most compassionate approach.
Ultimately, we chose to introduce Amelia to her crib, and to see sleep as the foundation for her growth and happiness. We still hold and love her when she's awake, and we check in on her frequently when she's in her crib. Low and behold, Amelia has been napping better and better each day, and seems more rested and mellow when she is awake.
Still, its hard being a mama, and making choices when some are poised as "good" and others as "bad" or "neglectful". I believe every new mom needs to assess for herself what works for her child, self and family. And the labels (i.e. "attachment parenting") only make it more confusing, in my opinion, because there are so many varying degrees of bonding, loving and raising a child.
Am I an attachment parenting mama? To some degree. I am also realizing the value of creating a structure within which Amelia can thrive. (Oh, and that is not exclusive of tons of love and fun within that!)
Thursday, March 6, 2008
'Mama said there will be days like this...'
Sleep. If someone asked me what one thing eludes me most these days and undermines my confidence with motherhood at times, it is sleep. Amelia has been our velcro baby from day one. She loves to sleep in our arms, travel in our arms, be in our arms. She could hang there for hours on end and be a very content, happy babe. Her temperament is more on the demanding spectrum, though only slightly so. To a large degree, we consciously chose an attachment parenting style for her first "tri-mester" out of the womb. I talked to lots of mamas, read quite a bit, and decided that it most closely matched our values. We mirror much of how the greater world approaches parenthood, with a focus more on bonding and less on convenience. That being said, if I knew then what I know now, would I approach sleep the same way? I'm really not sure. Take today, for example. Amelia is now 14 weeks old, and her day time naps are 20 - 45 minutes in length. She is very alert for most of the day, and can fool her grandparents and other adorers into thinking she doesn't need sleep. Oh, how much she does. Today, I decided to focus solely on her sleeping. I am making it my full-time job for the day. No other concerns. No interferences. I even asked Joe to cancel our visitors for this evening. Nothing will get in the way of me helping Amelia get some rest. For all but one hour (our 10:30 - 11:30 am walk), Amelia has been put to sleep in her crib continuously, and I've rocked her probably 20 times, put her down, repeat, etc.. After several hours of this, I silently cried while I rocked her, and felt like the world's lousiest mama.
There are many books out there that offer differing advice about sleep. I've read three of them, and see the pros and cons in each approach. Still, there is a balance that I am seeking, and it eludes me.
I know the most important task at hand is to choose one approach and work it. To commit, even if I don't have the rest of the "plan" worked out yet. In the meantime, I plan to stay close to home for the next several days, or weeks, until we get through this.
All this being said, I am grateful for this "ordinary" day. I was thinking today of a wonderful friend of mine, Karyn, who passed away after being quadraplegic from a car accident. We used to talk about how, at any time, one of us could get hit by bus, and life changes suddenly. Horrifically, her life changed forever when she was left without use of any body part below her neck. She died four years later from complications from a surgery. She was the most beautiful woman I knew, and her memory inspires me to grasp, and celebrate, the ordinary days.
(Later day update: Amelia slept TWO HOURS in her crib!!!)
There are many books out there that offer differing advice about sleep. I've read three of them, and see the pros and cons in each approach. Still, there is a balance that I am seeking, and it eludes me.
I know the most important task at hand is to choose one approach and work it. To commit, even if I don't have the rest of the "plan" worked out yet. In the meantime, I plan to stay close to home for the next several days, or weeks, until we get through this.
All this being said, I am grateful for this "ordinary" day. I was thinking today of a wonderful friend of mine, Karyn, who passed away after being quadraplegic from a car accident. We used to talk about how, at any time, one of us could get hit by bus, and life changes suddenly. Horrifically, her life changed forever when she was left without use of any body part below her neck. She died four years later from complications from a surgery. She was the most beautiful woman I knew, and her memory inspires me to grasp, and celebrate, the ordinary days.
(Later day update: Amelia slept TWO HOURS in her crib!!!)
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The 3 month mark
A week ago, we passed the 3 month mark. This is the point where many mamas say goodbye to their babes and head back to work. It mystifies me how they do this, mostly because Amelia and I don't yet have a groove or schedule that I could pass down to anyone. On one hand, I am itching to get back to work. I find myself creating new programs in my mind as I play with Amelia, and realize how re-engaging in work will allow me to be more present when I'm with her. It will give me an outlet and also the structure (i.e. play time with Amelia vs. work time). At the same time, I am still figuring this mamahood stuff out. I have delayed getting a babysitter, because we are just getting Amelia to nap in her crib, rather than in our arms. Today, for example, only one attempt was successful.
Like most things in life, I imagine that having a deadline for starting work would speed up our learning process. I could continue to delay my attempts to find a schedule without a very compelling reason to do so. (BTW, is this making sense or have I lost you??)
Amelia and I took a trip to the local Whole Foods today, per usual. She was snuggled under my jacket when we passed another mama with a wide-eyed babe. I commented on how beautiful her baby was, asked her age, and then asked how the mama was doing. She looked at me and said "She is five months old and its just starting to get easier. There were days when I didn't think I could do this another day..." We exchanged a few stories of exhaustion and understanding, and went about our shopping trip. For those two minutes though, I felt completely understood. This is hard, because it is an abrupt life change and never before have I had to be so patient during trying circumstances. Patience doesn't come easily for me. I work hard at it.
Meanwhile, my favorite show is "Jon & Kate Plus 8" on TLC. This woman is amazing. She is raising twin girls (8) and sextuplets (3). She is organized, creative, conscious (organic food, budgeting, etc.), and somehow has managed to create a profession out of being a mom. If you haven't tuned in for an episode, I recommend that you do. Oh, and she doesn't even try to feign perfection.
Truth be told, I want at least three more children. I hope its in our cards...
Like most things in life, I imagine that having a deadline for starting work would speed up our learning process. I could continue to delay my attempts to find a schedule without a very compelling reason to do so. (BTW, is this making sense or have I lost you??)
Amelia and I took a trip to the local Whole Foods today, per usual. She was snuggled under my jacket when we passed another mama with a wide-eyed babe. I commented on how beautiful her baby was, asked her age, and then asked how the mama was doing. She looked at me and said "She is five months old and its just starting to get easier. There were days when I didn't think I could do this another day..." We exchanged a few stories of exhaustion and understanding, and went about our shopping trip. For those two minutes though, I felt completely understood. This is hard, because it is an abrupt life change and never before have I had to be so patient during trying circumstances. Patience doesn't come easily for me. I work hard at it.
Meanwhile, my favorite show is "Jon & Kate Plus 8" on TLC. This woman is amazing. She is raising twin girls (8) and sextuplets (3). She is organized, creative, conscious (organic food, budgeting, etc.), and somehow has managed to create a profession out of being a mom. If you haven't tuned in for an episode, I recommend that you do. Oh, and she doesn't even try to feign perfection.
Truth be told, I want at least three more children. I hope its in our cards...
Friday, February 29, 2008
Sunny Florida ~ Amelia's first plane trip
We just returned from 8 days in Florida, where we visited my in-laws. Oh, the sun, the warmth, the palm trees, the quiet, the pool... What are we doing living in frigid Massachusetts, anyways?
Amelia has grown and changed by leaps and bounds. She found her voice, and she uses it very frequently! She is a chatty little girl with a lot to say. She also uses her voice to get my attention, and squeals when I am not giving her enough.
There are so many topics that I want to write about, but I have about two minutes before Amelia squeals for a feeding. I'll start here - the range of emotions as a mother is incredible. From the most intense love to worry about every little thing that I want to protect Amelia from...
What's on my mind right now is being a role model for Amelia. I want to show her what it looks like to be a woman who is compassionate first and foremost with herself, so that it spills over to others. A woman who doesn't judge her beauty or worth by her size or looks. Enough with being thin, or focusing on flawlessness everybody (no pun intended)!!! Oh, if only I could put her in a bubble and protect her from this flawed, though wonderful, world.
For now, though, I am deeply in love with Amelia. She has turned my world upside down.
Friday, February 8, 2008
The "Transition" - Do or Die
The relative success of my days has come down to one thing these days - the transition of Amelia's sleeping body from my arms to any stationary object (i.e. her basket, our bed, the non-moving swing). Yesterday, I went 0 for 6. That means that I swaddled, rocked, sshhhhed, kissed, whispered Amelia to sleep six times, waiting until she was in a seemingly deep sleep (i.e. 20 minutes), and then tip-toed upstairs to gently lay her down. All the while, visions of blogging with a cup of coffee, or putting the breakfast dishes away, were dancing in my foggy head. Alas, all six times, I had barely turned around before Amelia let out her rhaspy cry. Back to the beginning. Repeat. Not to mention that Joe was on a business trip yesterday, and we were alone until this evening. So, no relief. We did go out to dinner with my sister and a friend to celebrate Chinese New Year, though Amelia was not too happy about being out. She has a strong dislike of her carseat. (Meanwhile, I realized at the restaurant that I had lost all modesty as I breast fed her there with my tattered shirt, but I digress...) The evening ended with cops in our house at 4 a.m. because I swore I heard someone downstairs. I am embarassed to admit that I must have been over-tired and reacting to my next door neighbor's break-in (in the attached duplex) that happened mid-day when we were home a few weekends ago. Again, I digress...
Today, however, I went 3 for 4 with successful sleep transitions. Those three successes meant about 75 precious minutes of arms-free and quiet me-time!
At a "new mom's drop-in" today, we all shared our stories of transition and the sneaky ways we go about separating from our babies while they sleep.
Meanwhile, there are a few times each day when I do not even attempt the transition. Its usually during a good tv show when I don't mind sitting still, and I give into the sweet experience of snuggling, sniffing her breath (isn't that a strange fascination of mine??), and kissing her cheeks.
Today, however, I went 3 for 4 with successful sleep transitions. Those three successes meant about 75 precious minutes of arms-free and quiet me-time!
At a "new mom's drop-in" today, we all shared our stories of transition and the sneaky ways we go about separating from our babies while they sleep.
Meanwhile, there are a few times each day when I do not even attempt the transition. Its usually during a good tv show when I don't mind sitting still, and I give into the sweet experience of snuggling, sniffing her breath (isn't that a strange fascination of mine??), and kissing her cheeks.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Where to begin?
I went for a baby-free walk today, and began to ponder the questions that have been ruminating in my mind for the past several weeks. Where to begin?? Before Amelia arrived, I had a vision in my mind of returning to my career after three months, and leaving Amelia in the care of a capable and loving nanny. There are so many factors, though, that need to be accounted for, incuding our finances (I need to invest in my business since I'm self-employed, and also cover child-care before regular income is earned), where to find such nanny, my comfort leaving Amelia in someone's care here, getting Amelia to take a bottle, and getting her to sleep on her own!! All of this is yet to be sorted through, and then there are the larger questions of how much do I want to work?, and what will it take to be self-employed and a mom? It would be easier to return to a 'corporate' job, or anywhere that paid me regularly and provided the work up front!
No answers yet, just questions. Today, my challenge is decided what to do with Amelia's sleep and feeding schedule. Its a bigger challenge than I anticipated!!
No answers yet, just questions. Today, my challenge is decided what to do with Amelia's sleep and feeding schedule. Its a bigger challenge than I anticipated!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Vaccinations
Amelia is scheduled for her first shot this afternoon. Before meeting a remarkable group of mamas that have challenged me to research and question "routine" baby care in this country, I would only have concerned myself with Amelia's shock and momentary pain of receiving a shot. However, after reading "The Vaccine Book" by Dr. Sears, Joe and I are feeling concerned about the ingredients of each vaccine. I wasn't aware that there was aluminum (and no research on how much is too much and thus possibly causing neurological harm to babies), or cow blood, etc. As we educated ourselves on the 5 recommended shots for 2 months old (we skipped Hep B at birth), we reluctantly chose 2 vaccines today. If the doctor doesn't carry the brand of vaccine with less aluminum, we will ask him to order it and reschedule.
I feel that we've chosen a cautious, but responsible, route for us. I very much understand parents declining vaccines altogether. If there is a concern for the health and safety of their child, they need to be empowered to make that choice. There is an argument about social and moral responsibility to erradicate disease altogether. Personally, I don't believe that parents should inject ingredients that they feel are harmful into their children for the sake of the greater good. The moral responsibiliity lies in the drug companies creating vaccines that are safe and well-tested.
For us, our decision down to whether diseases were common, treatable, and severe, and also looking at the ingredients and side effects. I still do not feel comfortable vaccinating, but I feel slightly less comfortable not vaccinating at all. We are going to only do one or two at a time, and skip some vaccines that do not seem worth the risk.
Ignorance really is, momentarily, bliss. I know that I will worry about Amelia's reaction to the immunization, and be carefully watching her. Its very much like circumcision. Until I took the time to read about it, watch a video, and educate myself on the reasons for it (vs. the "justifications" for it...), I would not have thought twice if we had given birth to a boy. Now, I can't imagine choosing to cut a piece of my son's penis off, with no way to numb the pain, for no good reason (even the Pediatric Association does not recommend it any longer, but rather has "no recommendation".) I should save my thoughts on this for another posting...
Anyways, we are off to the doctor very soon, and I am feeling anxious about it. Amelia is awake, so signing off...
I feel that we've chosen a cautious, but responsible, route for us. I very much understand parents declining vaccines altogether. If there is a concern for the health and safety of their child, they need to be empowered to make that choice. There is an argument about social and moral responsibility to erradicate disease altogether. Personally, I don't believe that parents should inject ingredients that they feel are harmful into their children for the sake of the greater good. The moral responsibiliity lies in the drug companies creating vaccines that are safe and well-tested.
For us, our decision down to whether diseases were common, treatable, and severe, and also looking at the ingredients and side effects. I still do not feel comfortable vaccinating, but I feel slightly less comfortable not vaccinating at all. We are going to only do one or two at a time, and skip some vaccines that do not seem worth the risk.
Ignorance really is, momentarily, bliss. I know that I will worry about Amelia's reaction to the immunization, and be carefully watching her. Its very much like circumcision. Until I took the time to read about it, watch a video, and educate myself on the reasons for it (vs. the "justifications" for it...), I would not have thought twice if we had given birth to a boy. Now, I can't imagine choosing to cut a piece of my son's penis off, with no way to numb the pain, for no good reason (even the Pediatric Association does not recommend it any longer, but rather has "no recommendation".) I should save my thoughts on this for another posting...
Anyways, we are off to the doctor very soon, and I am feeling anxious about it. Amelia is awake, so signing off...
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Out & about & turning corners
I haven't written a post in 10 days... unprecendented! We have been out and about quite a bit lately, and it seems that there is little opportunity during the day to write now. We went to the Cape to visit "Nani Ga" (my mom)for two days, then visited with Joe's extended family here, and yesterday went to my brother's house to hang out with his kids. My 8 month-old niece, Sadie, wanted to eat Amelia. It was very cute.
Amelia is very smiley these days. Joe and I melt at each smile. It is so rewarding. It seems like we've passed through "newborn" stage (and survived!) and entered a "little person/baby" stage. She coos and "talks" during her awake spells, and even sleeps for longer stretches at night now! I don't keep track of how long she sleeps at night (too dark to see my watch and we are the flinstones without an alarm clock), but I would guess that we get a 4 or 5 hour stretch in during the night, followed by 1 or 2 hour stretches).
How am I doing?? Better. Which means that I feel a bit more rested and thus more like myself. I am also feeling more confident about taking Amelia out and trying new things. She hates the car (screams until she sounds like she's growling), but then eventually falls asleep. I have to remind myself that I am doing no permanent damage to her by being unable to hold her during those times, and that life will sometimes be unpleasant. It is challenging, though, to listen to her woeful pleas and do nothing. I am not a "cry it out" mama.
At home, we are slowing progressing to a better sleeping plan. I was very stressed about this a week ago. I wondered if I was creating a sleep problem that will be hard to fix later. However, I have consulted some sleep books and my sister-in-law, whose children are model sleepers, and realized that I can take it a step at a time. I am working now on putting her down for daily naps in a quieter place (and I still hold and snuggle her for some naps). Up until now, she has slept in my arms or the swing in the midst of activity during the day. So far, so good, and yet we have a good ways to go. Step by step.
I am discovering how important it is to be organized as a mom. To decide on a strategy and to work towards it, even when its easier not to. And to let some other things go (like dishes in the sink...) I am aware of my tendency to choose spontaneity and to balk at structure. Knowing this is helping me to pay more attention to what she needs short and long term.
On a very happy note, my brother and his wife gave birth to a baby boy, Jaden Thomas, this morning. A new cousin! We can not wait to meet him...
Amelia is very smiley these days. Joe and I melt at each smile. It is so rewarding. It seems like we've passed through "newborn" stage (and survived!) and entered a "little person/baby" stage. She coos and "talks" during her awake spells, and even sleeps for longer stretches at night now! I don't keep track of how long she sleeps at night (too dark to see my watch and we are the flinstones without an alarm clock), but I would guess that we get a 4 or 5 hour stretch in during the night, followed by 1 or 2 hour stretches).
How am I doing?? Better. Which means that I feel a bit more rested and thus more like myself. I am also feeling more confident about taking Amelia out and trying new things. She hates the car (screams until she sounds like she's growling), but then eventually falls asleep. I have to remind myself that I am doing no permanent damage to her by being unable to hold her during those times, and that life will sometimes be unpleasant. It is challenging, though, to listen to her woeful pleas and do nothing. I am not a "cry it out" mama.
At home, we are slowing progressing to a better sleeping plan. I was very stressed about this a week ago. I wondered if I was creating a sleep problem that will be hard to fix later. However, I have consulted some sleep books and my sister-in-law, whose children are model sleepers, and realized that I can take it a step at a time. I am working now on putting her down for daily naps in a quieter place (and I still hold and snuggle her for some naps). Up until now, she has slept in my arms or the swing in the midst of activity during the day. So far, so good, and yet we have a good ways to go. Step by step.
I am discovering how important it is to be organized as a mom. To decide on a strategy and to work towards it, even when its easier not to. And to let some other things go (like dishes in the sink...) I am aware of my tendency to choose spontaneity and to balk at structure. Knowing this is helping me to pay more attention to what she needs short and long term.
On a very happy note, my brother and his wife gave birth to a baby boy, Jaden Thomas, this morning. A new cousin! We can not wait to meet him...
Friday, January 11, 2008
The Mama Follies
There have been several "follies" so far on this journey. I am awkward with some new mama responsibilities, to put it kindly. The other day, I had a lactation appointment in Needham. It was the first time I was driving Amelia anywhere, so it was a big event for us. I planned well, or so I thought. I packed a diaper bag with a blanket, diapers, wipes, burp cloth, etc. I grabbed my breast pump, which is a good-size bag. I also had a bag full of returns, as the consultation was in a maternity/baby store. I grabbed the Maya baby sling, and my purse and planner. I had to carry all of this, along with Amelia in her car seat, to the car. We live in the city, and the car is parked a good walking distance away.
Amelia screamed most of the way to the appointment. She goes from 1 to 10 in just a few seconds, and her '10' sounds more like growling than crying. She gets MAD! I'd like to say that she inherited this trait from her daddy, but most of you have met Joe. Unlikely.
She finally fell asleep by the time we arrived at the appointment. I didn't want to carry her carseat into the building, because I wanted to use my maya sling. I couldn't get her in it, and it was pretty warm out, so I decided to just carry her in. I told myself that we could hurry in, and readjust then.
Here's what it looked like: Me, lots of bags on my arms, dressed warmly, carrying a baby in a short-sleeve onsie (yes, it's January), with only one bootie on (what happened to the other?), and blanket and sling nearly falling out of my arms. I pass other mamas who have their babies snuggly dressed and carried in either a sling or tucked in their car seats. Amelia, on the other hand, is bouncing in my arms, likely cold, as I try to juggle all of these things. I head immediately to the sitting area to wrap her up, when a woman approaches me. She sits down, asks me about Amelia's age and if this is my first child. She then explains that she helps new moms feel comfortable and adjust to motherhood through a series of workshops. Clearly, I looked a mama who needed help.
Dear me. There are just way too many 'things' that come with a new baby. Its a juggling and organization act that requires practice. And the weather just throws a big kink in it all. Is she over-heated? too cold? who knows?!
Its all very humbling. And funny.
Amelia screamed most of the way to the appointment. She goes from 1 to 10 in just a few seconds, and her '10' sounds more like growling than crying. She gets MAD! I'd like to say that she inherited this trait from her daddy, but most of you have met Joe. Unlikely.
She finally fell asleep by the time we arrived at the appointment. I didn't want to carry her carseat into the building, because I wanted to use my maya sling. I couldn't get her in it, and it was pretty warm out, so I decided to just carry her in. I told myself that we could hurry in, and readjust then.
Here's what it looked like: Me, lots of bags on my arms, dressed warmly, carrying a baby in a short-sleeve onsie (yes, it's January), with only one bootie on (what happened to the other?), and blanket and sling nearly falling out of my arms. I pass other mamas who have their babies snuggly dressed and carried in either a sling or tucked in their car seats. Amelia, on the other hand, is bouncing in my arms, likely cold, as I try to juggle all of these things. I head immediately to the sitting area to wrap her up, when a woman approaches me. She sits down, asks me about Amelia's age and if this is my first child. She then explains that she helps new moms feel comfortable and adjust to motherhood through a series of workshops. Clearly, I looked a mama who needed help.
Dear me. There are just way too many 'things' that come with a new baby. Its a juggling and organization act that requires practice. And the weather just throws a big kink in it all. Is she over-heated? too cold? who knows?!
Its all very humbling. And funny.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Six weeks!
Its been six weeks with Amelia. It feels like its still November to me, because the past several weeks are a blur. Here are the highs and lows on the mamahood front as of late:
1. High: Amelia is now smiling and interacts with us much more frequently. When we wake up together in the morning, she smiles as soon as she sees me.
2. Low: the new mom hairdo that I have. I wanted an easy, no fuss cut. I ended up with a virtual helmet of hair.
3. High: Amelia likes her swing and happily stays in there, on occasion, when mama needs to use the bathroom or even take a bath.
4. Low: Still exhausted.
5. High: Amelia slept 4 hours last night! Woo-hoo!!
6. Low: The baby acne that is covering her face, scalp and even neck. She isn't very pretty these days, but it doesn't seem to be bothering her.
7. High: We had a lactation consultation today and I have more information that will help me better feed her.
8. Low: Amelia still has a cold, or at least a stuffy nose that probably bothers me more than her.
9. High: Phoebe, the cat, likes to sniff and kiss Amelia's head, and sometimes rub her scent on her. Amelia noticed Phoebe for the first time this week.
10. Low: Did I mention that I'm exhausted?
1. High: Amelia is now smiling and interacts with us much more frequently. When we wake up together in the morning, she smiles as soon as she sees me.
2. Low: the new mom hairdo that I have. I wanted an easy, no fuss cut. I ended up with a virtual helmet of hair.
3. High: Amelia likes her swing and happily stays in there, on occasion, when mama needs to use the bathroom or even take a bath.
4. Low: Still exhausted.
5. High: Amelia slept 4 hours last night! Woo-hoo!!
6. Low: The baby acne that is covering her face, scalp and even neck. She isn't very pretty these days, but it doesn't seem to be bothering her.
7. High: We had a lactation consultation today and I have more information that will help me better feed her.
8. Low: Amelia still has a cold, or at least a stuffy nose that probably bothers me more than her.
9. High: Phoebe, the cat, likes to sniff and kiss Amelia's head, and sometimes rub her scent on her. Amelia noticed Phoebe for the first time this week.
10. Low: Did I mention that I'm exhausted?
Friday, January 4, 2008
And then there are days like this...
When Amelia goes down in her swing, and I am able to enjoy a cup of coffee and breakfast, a shower, and even clean out my drawers (my husband has been putting my clothes away and let's just say there is no rhyme or reason to where things have been placed...)
Here's one thing I know to be true. Following each "bad" day, there is always a "good" day on its way. More often than not, it is the next day. The reverse is also true. Following a "good" day is, at some point, a "bad" day. Rather than allow that to depress us, we can learn to expect it. Then, when it comes, we can welcome it, knowing that a "good" day is soon to follow. And so goes the cycle.
One thing that makes all of this more than bearable is my coaching practice. I am constantly considering how to learn from the experience, and what I can apply to my coaching. It struck me that, when I boil it down, my saving grace is my purpose. Nothing is wasted, nothing is useless, nothing is for not.
Now, back to enjoying my roast beef sandwich...
Here's one thing I know to be true. Following each "bad" day, there is always a "good" day on its way. More often than not, it is the next day. The reverse is also true. Following a "good" day is, at some point, a "bad" day. Rather than allow that to depress us, we can learn to expect it. Then, when it comes, we can welcome it, knowing that a "good" day is soon to follow. And so goes the cycle.
One thing that makes all of this more than bearable is my coaching practice. I am constantly considering how to learn from the experience, and what I can apply to my coaching. It struck me that, when I boil it down, my saving grace is my purpose. Nothing is wasted, nothing is useless, nothing is for not.
Now, back to enjoying my roast beef sandwich...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly...
Let me offer you two very different, yet both true, perspectives on new mamahood. I'll call this the "good" and the "bad and ugly" perspectives. These are loosely based on my reality :)...
The "Good":
You wake up each morning to a precious little face, who smiles at you (ok, might be gas, but you are happy to believe its because she sees you), and is consoled by your arms, your milk, and your love. You can't believe that you created this being, yet you feel deep inside that its always been her. It just took you a long time to meet her. Your heart melts with her bird-like, feed me cry, and the way she eagerly sucks at your chin, mistaking it for your boob. You are so proud of her ~ and know that she will enrich your life beyond your imagination. You love each diaper change, even when you think you won't, because of the way she intently stares into your eyes, and flails her arms helplessly. She trusts you, and that trust is so sacred. You notice her cheek is pimply (sp?) in the spots where you are cheek to cheek so frequently. You kiss her at least a million times a day. You sniff her head over and inhale the sweet scent of babyhood. You even secretly sniff her newborn breath, and wonder if there is a better smell in the world. You miss her when you are not together, even if its for twenty minutes. You thank God for her arrival, for having a daughter, for this day. You whisper her name in her ear, and it sounds like the most beautiful name ever. Its her. You imagine every "first" that you will experience together and you can hardly wait. You slow down, though, because you know this sacred time with her will pass entirely too soon. Be in the moment, you tell yourself. You will do anything for this child. Even in exhaustion, when you curl up next to her at night, all is right. You feel fulfilled. You know this is the most important job in your life, and you will protect, nurture and love this child fiercely.
The "Bad & Ugly":
You slip away for a bath before you lose your sanity, after holding your child for what feels like 16 straight hours. You haven't had more than 2 hours of sleep at one time in weeks, and you are so darn tired. You take off your damp shirt, which is covered with spit up and milk leakage. You peer into the mirror and see a face you barely recognize. When was the last time you put any make-up on, you wonder? You get into the bath when you hear your baby cry. Sh*t. You were sure you finally got her down. You jump out of the tub, and hurry to your infant. You are thirsty. The glass of water is only 5 feet away, but your baby just fell asleep again in your arms. If you move, you will awaken her. You are too exhausted to do the dance again to put her back to sleep, and your back is a pillow of pinched nerves and knots from holding and feeding her. You are begging her to sleep in the swing for just 30 minutes. You could grab a bite to eat (after you put clothes on!) and even put the dishes away. You get her down, and grab some maternity clothes from the closet. You don't fit into your old clothes, and you are so darn sick of maternity clothes. You are shocked to discover stretch marks below your belly button. They've been there, but you couldn't see them before when your belly was round. Whose body is this anyway? You would love to get outside for fresh air, but its too frigid for the baby. Your baby wakes up again. You feed her for the umpteenth time today. You try to sling your baby so you can move more freely around the house, but she seems to hate it today. Only yesterday, you thought you had it all figured out. When is your husband coming home again??! You hurry to turn on a tv show that you swore, at one time in your life, you'd never watch. You curse the writers strike that has new episodes put on hold during the only time in your life when you're stuck indoors. You do anything but focus on the thought lingering in the back of your mind... you'll do this dance again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. You remind yourself to focus only on today.
For all the good AND the bad and ugly, I truly wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything in the world. And its also very hard. What works one day no longer seems to apply the next. I find myself offering compassion to me, too, when she is crying and I am feeling helpless. I imagine that I am soothing us both, because mamas need love, too...
Mamahood is quite funny, actually. Joe and I could tell many hilarious stories about our last five weeks together. Whoever said "don't cry over spilled milk" was clearly never a new mom. In our house, it was apple pie.
The "Good":
You wake up each morning to a precious little face, who smiles at you (ok, might be gas, but you are happy to believe its because she sees you), and is consoled by your arms, your milk, and your love. You can't believe that you created this being, yet you feel deep inside that its always been her. It just took you a long time to meet her. Your heart melts with her bird-like, feed me cry, and the way she eagerly sucks at your chin, mistaking it for your boob. You are so proud of her ~ and know that she will enrich your life beyond your imagination. You love each diaper change, even when you think you won't, because of the way she intently stares into your eyes, and flails her arms helplessly. She trusts you, and that trust is so sacred. You notice her cheek is pimply (sp?) in the spots where you are cheek to cheek so frequently. You kiss her at least a million times a day. You sniff her head over and inhale the sweet scent of babyhood. You even secretly sniff her newborn breath, and wonder if there is a better smell in the world. You miss her when you are not together, even if its for twenty minutes. You thank God for her arrival, for having a daughter, for this day. You whisper her name in her ear, and it sounds like the most beautiful name ever. Its her. You imagine every "first" that you will experience together and you can hardly wait. You slow down, though, because you know this sacred time with her will pass entirely too soon. Be in the moment, you tell yourself. You will do anything for this child. Even in exhaustion, when you curl up next to her at night, all is right. You feel fulfilled. You know this is the most important job in your life, and you will protect, nurture and love this child fiercely.
The "Bad & Ugly":
You slip away for a bath before you lose your sanity, after holding your child for what feels like 16 straight hours. You haven't had more than 2 hours of sleep at one time in weeks, and you are so darn tired. You take off your damp shirt, which is covered with spit up and milk leakage. You peer into the mirror and see a face you barely recognize. When was the last time you put any make-up on, you wonder? You get into the bath when you hear your baby cry. Sh*t. You were sure you finally got her down. You jump out of the tub, and hurry to your infant. You are thirsty. The glass of water is only 5 feet away, but your baby just fell asleep again in your arms. If you move, you will awaken her. You are too exhausted to do the dance again to put her back to sleep, and your back is a pillow of pinched nerves and knots from holding and feeding her. You are begging her to sleep in the swing for just 30 minutes. You could grab a bite to eat (after you put clothes on!) and even put the dishes away. You get her down, and grab some maternity clothes from the closet. You don't fit into your old clothes, and you are so darn sick of maternity clothes. You are shocked to discover stretch marks below your belly button. They've been there, but you couldn't see them before when your belly was round. Whose body is this anyway? You would love to get outside for fresh air, but its too frigid for the baby. Your baby wakes up again. You feed her for the umpteenth time today. You try to sling your baby so you can move more freely around the house, but she seems to hate it today. Only yesterday, you thought you had it all figured out. When is your husband coming home again??! You hurry to turn on a tv show that you swore, at one time in your life, you'd never watch. You curse the writers strike that has new episodes put on hold during the only time in your life when you're stuck indoors. You do anything but focus on the thought lingering in the back of your mind... you'll do this dance again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. You remind yourself to focus only on today.
For all the good AND the bad and ugly, I truly wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything in the world. And its also very hard. What works one day no longer seems to apply the next. I find myself offering compassion to me, too, when she is crying and I am feeling helpless. I imagine that I am soothing us both, because mamas need love, too...
Mamahood is quite funny, actually. Joe and I could tell many hilarious stories about our last five weeks together. Whoever said "don't cry over spilled milk" was clearly never a new mom. In our house, it was apple pie.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
So many firsts
Life with Amazing Amelia continues. What's amazing is how many "firsts" there are to motherhood. I feel like we've come so far in just a week. Last night, Amelia slept part of the night in a swing we borrowed from friends. I haven't been sleeping much at all, as Amelia wakes up every 1-2 hours at night. Even though we didn't get much sleep last night either (her little nose was all stuffed up), I could actually move around in the bed without worrying about waking her, and still reach over to the swing and touch her. Another first is a successful "slinging", where I was able to put away all of our Christmas decorations while she slept happily against my chest. This week, we've tried the stroller (she doesn't like it, probably because she is not being cuddled) and the baby bjorn. We've gone to Whole Foods, Starbucks and the Post Office. We've also taken a couple of baths together (definitely mama's favorite thing... she loves the water and its a very intimate, bonding experience). What is very exciting, though, is that I've moved from pjs and the couch (though I'm still in sweats and watching too much TV), and been able to make dinner, catch up on filing, mail out birth announcements and thank yous, and stay on top of the cleaning... which brings me to my next point..
It is hard for me to let go of having a very clean, organized home. If I have an hour while she is sleeping, I am much more likely to do dishes than to take a nap. In the longterm, this is probably not sustainable. I've decided that the key to being a happy mama is self-care, not home-care. This will take time, though. I like a clean, uncluttered home and am very sensitive to my environment. I sense this will be a balancing act for many years.
So, in a nutshell, if I can get more sleep, life will be even better! Happy New Year everyone. My resolution? To be more grateful for what I have, for what shows up, for what doesn't show up in my life... all of it.
It is hard for me to let go of having a very clean, organized home. If I have an hour while she is sleeping, I am much more likely to do dishes than to take a nap. In the longterm, this is probably not sustainable. I've decided that the key to being a happy mama is self-care, not home-care. This will take time, though. I like a clean, uncluttered home and am very sensitive to my environment. I sense this will be a balancing act for many years.
So, in a nutshell, if I can get more sleep, life will be even better! Happy New Year everyone. My resolution? To be more grateful for what I have, for what shows up, for what doesn't show up in my life... all of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
