Protein, protein and protein, oh my!

My midwife called with some blood test results today. Overall, they looked good. However, there was a protein that was out of the normal range, which could potentially lead to toxemia, if I understand correctly. What I really, really like about my midwife is how pro-active she is. She already had started me on a high protein diet with a supplement to boot. Now, though, we have increased my protein daily target to 125 grams per day!!! Ok, so that might not seem like a difficult thing until you start to add up protein levels in our foods. It requires ALOT of meat (and protein shakes).

During my conversation with my midwife, she mentioned inducing early, if needed. She is not suggesting that we do that, or saying that we will need to do so. She simply said "we could induce you when you and Joe get back from Portland this weekend, since you'll be 37 weeks, if we really needed to." or something similar. Basically, if I started to develop symptoms like swelling, headaches, etc., it may be better to naturally induce if my body is not sustaining itself well in this last month. I would still aim for a homebirth, which, of course, I deeply want.

At the mere mention of going early, a wave of energy ran through my body. Labor has seemed so far away, even when I know it might be in two weeks, or four weeks. I've mentally prepared myself to be pregnant through the end of November, and into early December. I hadn't considered delivering early. My mom was late with most of us, and I assumed I'd follow in her footsteps.

I can't imagine having the baby here yet. I imagine that sounds strange, since I'm nearly at the end of the road. However, that part hasn't seemed real yet. Me, a mother?? For real?? With a baby to care for? Just last night, I dreamt about my baby, and having forgotten to feed her. I've had that dream a few times. I suddenly remember I haven't fed my baby and then I sprint to retrieve her (or him in some dreams). I am in a complete panic in these dreams. When I shared this dream with Joe this morning, he tried to make me feel better by assuring me that the baby would not allow me to forget. I explained to him that there is an anxiety underneath that of meeting my baby's needs. Men... they can be so practical and literal.

Even now, I am excited and nervy at the thought of delivering early. This year has been so transitional for me, so spacious, so "mine". I want this baby more than anything. I want to see his or her little face, and kiss his or her little feet. AND, my life is about to change in a way that I can not even begin to fathom. And change is scary, as it is exciting.

So, stay tuned!!

First contractions

We had our "home visit" today with our midwife team, which includes two midwives, Kelley and Joyce, and an apprentice, Gina. Kelley determined that the baby was indeed head down, and that I was feeling the now larger bum and legs up by my ribs. Her estimate was that the baby was six pounds, which would put us at about 8 pounds by our due date.

We talked about my vision for the birth, which includes a birthing tub downstairs, relaxing music and candles. I envision a soothing and spiritual environment to help ground me. I find it so empowering that I can choose how I give birth, to a good degree. We have so many choices in this process, and yet most women aren't even made aware of them.

We also watched a home birthing video today with our team, in which a mother gave birth to twins (one breech) with no assistance. The confidence, the presence, the ecstacy of this woman was very inspiring. As I watched her catch her baby, one of the midwives said to me "that will be you!" There is nothing, nothing, that I can imagine to be more amazing than this birthing experience may be.

Even though I'm in my last month, I really don't feel ready to birth soon. I am still comfortable (except the acid reflux), and do not feel "done" with my pregnancy. It feels surreal still to imagine that a baby will soon join us outside my womb.

I did feel my first contractions tonight, though! They felt like menstrual cramps. I had experienced little sensations recently, but these seem to be the braxton hicks type that I've heard about.

So, on another note, it looks like the Sox will win the World Series. This is especially good news for us, because we bought mattresses at Jordan's during their "monster deal". That means that we get a full refund if the Sox win. Yeah us!

The Nesting Has Begun!

Oh, how nature has its timing. I told my mom this weekend that, for an organized person, nesting urges seemed to be escaping me. However, after returning from my baby shower with loads of goodies, I suddenly felt like a timer had gone off. Today, I spent the day washing baby clothes, organizing drawers and closets, running errands, making lists, and cleaning. Perhaps it was the need to find space for all of the baby items, but it also feels like we've rounded the corner. Five (give or take two!) weeks seems like hardly much time anymore.

Even for having registered "lightly", I can not believe how much "stuff" is involved with preparing for a baby. Joe was eager to get things organized himself, and I came home to the highchair already set up in our kitchen! We won't be needing that for several months, but I must admit that I also love seeing it there. We'll move it to the basement when we're ready. For now, it serves almost as a place holder. Next to the two island stools where Joe and I eat and talk, there is now a seat for our third family member...

On that note, I welcome any suggestions for names for this family member. Ideas for names that go with "Adiletta". The "A" and the "i" are soft.

Flips and Turns

The bean found a new position as of late - from head-down and ready-to-labor to either a bum or a head up by my ribs. I woke up to use the bathroom two nights ago and there it was! A lump right under my ribs. It amused me somehow, though I am concerned that the baby moves back down to labor-ready positioning soon.

The other flips and turns in my life seem to be in my stomach. Yes, good ole acid reflux continues to be a challenge. If I am a student to what is showing up in my life, I can see how the acid reflux is teaching me. Throughout my pregnancy, as my acid reflux has worsened, I humbly admit that I continue to "sneak" foods or continue to eat larger portions, and then suffer with acid reflux. I have shared with some of you that it doesn't seem to matter what I eat. That has been true to some degree; However, now that I've eliminated some of my favorite, triggering foods, I see how much more control I actually have over it. There lies my lesson. How often in life do we feel like we have little control, when we discover that, in reality, we do have the power to create more relief, or joy, or whatever it is that we seek.

Now, there are days when I am following a careful anti-acid, high protein, high nutrient diet and still find myself in lots of discomfort. Someone recently said to me, "maybe its about giving into it." Ahhhh.... riding it out. Giving into it. Letting it be. Sounds like not only life training, but also labor preparation training... doesn't it??

So, today I am including acid reflux in my gratitude list. It is asking me to be impeccable with what I put into my body. It is asking that I eat foods that feed me, and the baby, and not acting on my momentary cravings. It is keeping me accountable to better nutrition and a simpler, more thoughtful diet. Those are all good things.

And, when its all said and done, I will yell a huge "hallelujah!" And then dive into the richest piece of chocolate cake that I can find. Oh, and take this lesson with me :).

Amazing birthing videos and slide shows

I came across the following website yesterday: http://themidwife.net/index_files/homebirthmidwifestudentwomanshealthvideos.htm

There are beautiful slide shows and videos of natural and home births on there. I watched quite a few yesterday. When Joe came home, I was sitting on the couch with tears streaming down my face. They are so moving.

Discomfort AND Gratitude

It was another rough night for me. I slept on and off for six hours, mostly off. My acid reflux seems to be worsening and I have vomited three times since last night. The hardest part for me is the concern that the baby may somehow be affected, as I tend to lose my breath and see stars when the acid reflux is severe. Those with me during these times reassure me that the bean is resilient and will be just fine. When I hold onto that thought, I feel grateful that this is my challenge right now, and not something more serious. It is quite uncomfortable, though, none-the-less.

I want to also share a tradition that my coaching certification colleagues (we are known as the Veronicas) began. Each Friday, we send each other our gratitude list. It is a practice that is especially meaningful and effective on days like today, where I feel worn down and a bit woeful.

I am grateful first and foremost for my husband, Joe. He is my touchstone, and the person with whom I most love to talk, and to share life experiences. (And he looked mighty handsome today when he came in to say hello before heading back to work...)

I am grateful for this home that is warm and welcoming, and will soon enough house our baby.

I am grateful for my midwife, Kelley, and the "mama's group", which is filled with authentic, open-minded, conscious women who are generous with sharing their struggles, advice and stories.

I am grateful for a large extended family that supports us, even when they don't fully understand our choices.

I am grateful, especially today, for pjs, movies, protein-rich shakes, warm blankets, a lap cat named Phoebe, a handy wireless laptop that allows me to stay comfortable on the couch, aromatic candles for ambiance, and warm bubble baths...

50 (?!) Days to Go...

I woke up this morning thinking about my life right now - the remaining days before child(ren). I have passed the 33 week mark, and am now in my 34th week. I have roughly 50 days until my due date.

50 days. To do what with? To experience what? To fill up with what? To be who? These are whopper questions, I know. But I am a coach, after all. Lately, I've been "winding down", as I say to Joe. I have a small handful of coaching clients, am taking my jewelry to a boutique tomorrow to be sold there, and am working through our "pre-baby" list.

I've even turned the TV on mid-day (gasp!) and enjoyed back-to-back versions of A Baby Story, or Bringing Home Baby. Clearly, my mind is occupied with the bundle of joy to come.

So, what about me? What is it that I want to do or be over these next two months? I have the time and the space to create whatever it is I want to experience. Rather than count down days until the baby arrives, I'd like to shift my perspective to enjoying, and I mean REALLY enjoying, Fifty Days of Freedom. Hmmmm...

I will keep you posted (no pun intended) on what these days have in store for me. My nesting urges came along like false contractions. I do hope it will come back, but perhaps its just not what I need right now.

I believe that, in a nutshell, these next 50 days are really about enjoying and taking care of myself. What does that look like? There in lies my discovery work!

Momfidence!

A few weeks ago, I was on the phone with my friend, Kate, who is living in Malaysia (and who we would be visiting next week if we had not gotten pregnant this year). Kate is also pregnant and due in the spring. We were comparing notes on the various pregnancy books that we received or purchased, and how unhelpful many of them were to us. We both threw out our copies of "What to Expect When You're Expecting", and Kate spoke of some old-fashioned "you can stop dusting so much when the baby comes" advice that irked her. I stopped reading books early in my pregnancy, except those written by mothers who shared their own experiences (like Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year). I was fortunate to stumble upon a fabulous "mama's group" in my area, where I have learned so much first-hand about pregnancy, birthing and the early months. I find this kind of "tried and true" experience to be so much more valuable than doctor-prescribed pregnancy do's and don'ts. Mostly, its usually too late for me when I read not to eat sprouts after eating them almost daily for several weeks.

On this note, Kate shared a favorite book of hers, which is Momfidence! An Oreo Cookie Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets to Happier Parenting. She found the 'trust your intuition' and 'allow yourself to be imperfect' strategy re-assuring.

I've also enjoyed this book, as a balance to the many of the other books and articles I've read. Now, I know this book would turn off many new age moms who do feel strongly that oreos (whose fillings, by the way, are a mix of crisco and sugar - gross!) are damaging. This book, however, offers the opinion that children are much more resilient than we give them credit for, and that we, moms, often lose ourselves in our quest for raising the perfect, healthy, unharmed, most accomplished, protected child; It also suggests that children lose much of the joy in their childhood when playdates, for example, are so structured, pre-planned and monitored.

Now, I must admit my own mama-leaning. I do really value learning about raising confident and secure children, and I think potty-charts (see below) are cute. You will find me "wearing" my child in slings, and our baby will start his or her life by sleeping with us. We do intend to limit refined sugars, and raise our children on whole grain and hearty foods (even if we have to sneak them in there). We plan to give birth at home, and we will not allow our child to be given immunizations without learning about them in advance and choosing to do so. You might say that I am a new age mama. However, I also seek balance, and have no intentions to line my child up for the best pre-school or fill his or her calendar with 5 extra-curricular activities each week. It seems like a lot of pressure to bestow upon our children, and its just not me or my pace; Truthfully, the idea of having so much of my time spent dropping off and picking up the little one turns me off. More importantly, though, I believe in taking care of YOU, the mama, first and foremost, and letting go of standards that keep you up at night feeling inadequate or selfish. As the quote goes "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

The author shared in one of her recent posts the following opinion about modern motherhood. I felt it was valuable food for thought for this blog. I'd love to hear some of your thoughts re: this idea.

"Last, what's missing from the image of modern motherhood [in addition to instinct, common sense, reality, and fun] is…you! And me! The parents! It's always about how to make the child smarter, healthier, happier, sleepier. How to track his every move with star charts, chore charts, sleep charts, potty charts. How to rear a child who's more secure, more obedient, more confident, more motivated to make it to the Ivy League so he or she, too, can join the rat race and raise hypercompetitive kids who will make it to the Ivy League and…wait a minute!

Don't parents count for something? It's SO not popular to say, Spend less time worrying about your kids' lives and more time worrying about yours: your sanity, your marriage, your hopes and dreams. But I'll say it anyway. Sure, there are lots of legitimate things for parents MUST worry about, and I don't want to belittle them. But kids really do grow like weeds--they're more durable and harder to kill than we think, and require a lot less effort to bloom than we think."

Intuitive Birthing

I came across the following quote on a medical website:

"Women are inherently capable of giving birth, have a deep, intuitive instinct about birth, and, when supported and free to find comfort, are able to give birth without interventions and without suffering."

This quote resonated with me because it is what I intuitively believe about birth. The most common response I receive to having a natural homebirth is "you're brave." I do agree that it requires a good amount of confidence and trust in myself, my partner, the process, and my midwives. It will require me to stay grounded and relaxed even when the going gets tough, and also to maintain a healthy amount of flexibility and resiliency to alter plans, as needed. However, having said all of that, it scares me more to be swept away to a hospital while strange doctors and nurses decide what's needed for me, and my baby. At this point in time, that scenario frightens me more than following a natural birthing process, as best I can.

On a side note, its been a rough few days for me. I've been vomiting at night because of severe acid reflux. The acid reflux is with me almost 24/7, though I do experience periods of relief and feeling well. I am also completely exhausted physically. I find myself resting once I get to the top of a staircase, and usually out of breath. It makes me appreciate how well I've felt up until this point (and hopefully beyond this point, too). All of you women who are pregnant and chasing around other little kids, you have my true admiration.

Saying goodbye

A couple of months ago, I wrote about mourning the losses of being without child, and having the freedom and space to pursue our hearts desires. Last evening, as I was driving, I began to think again of how much my life, our lives, are about to change. I momentarily filled up with great emotion and I began to cry. I felt a deep gratitude and appreciation for the past ten years of my life. They have been my "coming to age", so to speak, and have held tremendous growth for me and for my relationship. Life has been good to me, and to us. We have gone through many phases of coupledom together; We have started over again and again with our jobs, city, home, progression of the relationship, and our dreams and desires. There was a time when work lacked meaning for Joe, and he was searching for his passion. I, at that time, was consumed with the demands of my job and profession and struggled to let work go when I walked in the door. Now, Joe is very engaged in a profession that ultimately benefits the environment and sustainability (ahhh, a passion...) and has his own struggles now with balancing work with the rest of his life. I, on the other hand, am building a practice that I dreamt of for over six years and finding life balance, at the moment, to be quite generous. I know that we will again find ourselves in very different places six months from now. The memories are so sweet to me as I think back to our journey up to this point. For ten years, it has been me and Joe. The two of us creating our lives in a parallel, intertwining fashion.

I know how important it is to really acknowledge, and honor, endings. They help prepare us for embracing the new beginning and free up our energies to be with "what is" now. When we don't truly say goodbye, we often find ourselves longing for the way it was, or spending precious energy avoiding the sadness or pain.

So, as I reached Joe's voicemail on his cell phone last night while tears were welling in my eyes, all I could say was "Thank You." And then I believe an "I'll miss you ~ I'll miss us" found its way to my lips. It sounds like a strange thing to say to the man who, God-willing, will continue to be with me for many more years. And, yet, it felt true. I will miss him as he is today. We will both change, greatly, as we enter parenthood and we make room in our marriage for a child (and hopefully more children to follow). I imagine there will be wonderful changes, and not-so-wonderful changes, along the way.

I told my friend, Jackie, this weekend that I felt as if I would be "re-creating" my life all over again once I meet the baby. Without knowing who this person is, or who I am in relation to this being, or going through the transition, I can not yet fully see this new picture of my life. I find myself breathing deep when I get ahead of myself and want to color it all in now. Its like discovering a treasure. You can imagine what lies within, and yet, until its opened, it remains a mystery.