Preparing for the Bam-Bean-O

Up until today, I had not bought a single item for the baby. Ok, ok... I did hang onto a beautiful handmade bib that I bought initially for a friend (sorry, Katie), but that was before I was even pregnant. AND, I did buy a tiny little rattle to take with me to my first ultrasound at 6 weeks. I am not superstitious, but I felt that having a baby item would somehow make the whole experience more real. Then there were the two Beatrix Potter books and a beautiful tear-jerking book titled "Someday". Other than that, however, Joe and I have felt that the baby doesn't need much initially, and we would likely be showered with gifts from our friends and family.

I went to the mall this morning to pick up a few late-pregnancy cotton shirts, and found they moved the maternity section next to the baby clothing. Very smart. I had to walk through all of these adorable baby outfits before arriving at any maternity clothes. I eyed a few outfits, though determined to stand by my "keep it simple" philosophy of not needing so many material things for a newborn child.

Eventually, though, I caved. I felt that I should be prepared for the baby to possibly arrive early. I did not have any t-shirts, or onesies, or whatever they are called, and a simple pair of sweats, or cotton pants. I was distracted by an adorable pair of newborn jeans, and then remembered that comfort was the key. I selected a few white cotton tops that were kimono-style, so that I didn't have to brave the "pull-over the softest skull ever" move immediately. I told my husband that the shirts were "daddy-proof", but then confessed that they were "mama-proof". To this day, I believe that I scarred my niece when trying to get a onesie over her tiny head. I skipped the onesie, because the snapping of the bottom seemed like yet another step in the process. I wondered if I should have socks, since the baby's feet might get cold. I considered this, and then decided that I would hold out. The sock selection was nil at best. A couple of pairs of frilly blue socks were the only newborn-3 months in the store.

I was on my way to the register when I remembered that I was also holding onto a precious, flannel hoodie and pant set in off-white. There are blue, green, yellow, and orange polkadots on the hoodie, as well as a tiny giraffe. I picked it up before any of the other items and held onto it because it was so soft and cuddly. This purchase, though, felt frivolous to me. Did the baby really need something cute to wear in his or her first days? Wouldn't my sisters-in-law likely lend me newborn clothing as needed? Oh heck, I wanted to buy my baby an outfit, and this was it.

So, up to the counter I went, when I suddenly felt a pang of "what if??" What if this baby isn't healthy, and here I am imagining my little one posing adorably in these new clothes? This is real, I thought. And this is the risk of becoming a mama, a parent. There are no guarentees, and not buying anything does not reduce the chances of a shattered heart should anything go wrong. Still, I had to pause. I thought of my dear friend, Laura, who lost her son, Luke, a beautiful baby, in the delivery. She had been awaiting him, feeling him, loving him, preparing for him... ready. Her devastation is something I can not even fathom, especially since I have now experienced pregnancy.

I realized that my "rule" about not buying anything was partially masking a fear that there may be a complication, or that everything may not check out as I hope it will. Do I truly believe that my heart will break any less if I jump in 100%? It's similar to believing that worry will somehow prepare us, when in reality it only robs us of today, and adds to our heartbreak tomorrow, should our worry come true.

So, I walked up to that counter today and bought my little bam-"bean"-o some comfy clothes. Three maternity items for me. Three baby items for the bean. Somehow, I feel more maternal simply having taken that step... and slightly more scared. This person is really, truly arriving soon in whatever shape or condition she or he is in. This baby will shake up my world in ways that I can not yet imagine. And s/he will look so very cute in the new polka-dot outfit :).