Amelia is scheduled for her first shot this afternoon. Before meeting a remarkable group of mamas that have challenged me to research and question "routine" baby care in this country, I would only have concerned myself with Amelia's shock and momentary pain of receiving a shot. However, after reading "The Vaccine Book" by Dr. Sears, Joe and I are feeling concerned about the ingredients of each vaccine. I wasn't aware that there was aluminum (and no research on how much is too much and thus possibly causing neurological harm to babies), or cow blood, etc. As we educated ourselves on the 5 recommended shots for 2 months old (we skipped Hep B at birth), we reluctantly chose 2 vaccines today. If the doctor doesn't carry the brand of vaccine with less aluminum, we will ask him to order it and reschedule.
I feel that we've chosen a cautious, but responsible, route for us. I very much understand parents declining vaccines altogether. If there is a concern for the health and safety of their child, they need to be empowered to make that choice. There is an argument about social and moral responsibility to erradicate disease altogether. Personally, I don't believe that parents should inject ingredients that they feel are harmful into their children for the sake of the greater good. The moral responsibiliity lies in the drug companies creating vaccines that are safe and well-tested.
For us, our decision down to whether diseases were common, treatable, and severe, and also looking at the ingredients and side effects. I still do not feel comfortable vaccinating, but I feel slightly less comfortable not vaccinating at all. We are going to only do one or two at a time, and skip some vaccines that do not seem worth the risk.
Ignorance really is, momentarily, bliss. I know that I will worry about Amelia's reaction to the immunization, and be carefully watching her. Its very much like circumcision. Until I took the time to read about it, watch a video, and educate myself on the reasons for it (vs. the "justifications" for it...), I would not have thought twice if we had given birth to a boy. Now, I can't imagine choosing to cut a piece of my son's penis off, with no way to numb the pain, for no good reason (even the Pediatric Association does not recommend it any longer, but rather has "no recommendation".) I should save my thoughts on this for another posting...
Anyways, we are off to the doctor very soon, and I am feeling anxious about it. Amelia is awake, so signing off...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Out & about & turning corners
I haven't written a post in 10 days... unprecendented! We have been out and about quite a bit lately, and it seems that there is little opportunity during the day to write now. We went to the Cape to visit "Nani Ga" (my mom)for two days, then visited with Joe's extended family here, and yesterday went to my brother's house to hang out with his kids. My 8 month-old niece, Sadie, wanted to eat Amelia. It was very cute.
Amelia is very smiley these days. Joe and I melt at each smile. It is so rewarding. It seems like we've passed through "newborn" stage (and survived!) and entered a "little person/baby" stage. She coos and "talks" during her awake spells, and even sleeps for longer stretches at night now! I don't keep track of how long she sleeps at night (too dark to see my watch and we are the flinstones without an alarm clock), but I would guess that we get a 4 or 5 hour stretch in during the night, followed by 1 or 2 hour stretches).
How am I doing?? Better. Which means that I feel a bit more rested and thus more like myself. I am also feeling more confident about taking Amelia out and trying new things. She hates the car (screams until she sounds like she's growling), but then eventually falls asleep. I have to remind myself that I am doing no permanent damage to her by being unable to hold her during those times, and that life will sometimes be unpleasant. It is challenging, though, to listen to her woeful pleas and do nothing. I am not a "cry it out" mama.
At home, we are slowing progressing to a better sleeping plan. I was very stressed about this a week ago. I wondered if I was creating a sleep problem that will be hard to fix later. However, I have consulted some sleep books and my sister-in-law, whose children are model sleepers, and realized that I can take it a step at a time. I am working now on putting her down for daily naps in a quieter place (and I still hold and snuggle her for some naps). Up until now, she has slept in my arms or the swing in the midst of activity during the day. So far, so good, and yet we have a good ways to go. Step by step.
I am discovering how important it is to be organized as a mom. To decide on a strategy and to work towards it, even when its easier not to. And to let some other things go (like dishes in the sink...) I am aware of my tendency to choose spontaneity and to balk at structure. Knowing this is helping me to pay more attention to what she needs short and long term.
On a very happy note, my brother and his wife gave birth to a baby boy, Jaden Thomas, this morning. A new cousin! We can not wait to meet him...
Amelia is very smiley these days. Joe and I melt at each smile. It is so rewarding. It seems like we've passed through "newborn" stage (and survived!) and entered a "little person/baby" stage. She coos and "talks" during her awake spells, and even sleeps for longer stretches at night now! I don't keep track of how long she sleeps at night (too dark to see my watch and we are the flinstones without an alarm clock), but I would guess that we get a 4 or 5 hour stretch in during the night, followed by 1 or 2 hour stretches).
How am I doing?? Better. Which means that I feel a bit more rested and thus more like myself. I am also feeling more confident about taking Amelia out and trying new things. She hates the car (screams until she sounds like she's growling), but then eventually falls asleep. I have to remind myself that I am doing no permanent damage to her by being unable to hold her during those times, and that life will sometimes be unpleasant. It is challenging, though, to listen to her woeful pleas and do nothing. I am not a "cry it out" mama.
At home, we are slowing progressing to a better sleeping plan. I was very stressed about this a week ago. I wondered if I was creating a sleep problem that will be hard to fix later. However, I have consulted some sleep books and my sister-in-law, whose children are model sleepers, and realized that I can take it a step at a time. I am working now on putting her down for daily naps in a quieter place (and I still hold and snuggle her for some naps). Up until now, she has slept in my arms or the swing in the midst of activity during the day. So far, so good, and yet we have a good ways to go. Step by step.
I am discovering how important it is to be organized as a mom. To decide on a strategy and to work towards it, even when its easier not to. And to let some other things go (like dishes in the sink...) I am aware of my tendency to choose spontaneity and to balk at structure. Knowing this is helping me to pay more attention to what she needs short and long term.
On a very happy note, my brother and his wife gave birth to a baby boy, Jaden Thomas, this morning. A new cousin! We can not wait to meet him...
Friday, January 11, 2008
The Mama Follies
There have been several "follies" so far on this journey. I am awkward with some new mama responsibilities, to put it kindly. The other day, I had a lactation appointment in Needham. It was the first time I was driving Amelia anywhere, so it was a big event for us. I planned well, or so I thought. I packed a diaper bag with a blanket, diapers, wipes, burp cloth, etc. I grabbed my breast pump, which is a good-size bag. I also had a bag full of returns, as the consultation was in a maternity/baby store. I grabbed the Maya baby sling, and my purse and planner. I had to carry all of this, along with Amelia in her car seat, to the car. We live in the city, and the car is parked a good walking distance away.
Amelia screamed most of the way to the appointment. She goes from 1 to 10 in just a few seconds, and her '10' sounds more like growling than crying. She gets MAD! I'd like to say that she inherited this trait from her daddy, but most of you have met Joe. Unlikely.
She finally fell asleep by the time we arrived at the appointment. I didn't want to carry her carseat into the building, because I wanted to use my maya sling. I couldn't get her in it, and it was pretty warm out, so I decided to just carry her in. I told myself that we could hurry in, and readjust then.
Here's what it looked like: Me, lots of bags on my arms, dressed warmly, carrying a baby in a short-sleeve onsie (yes, it's January), with only one bootie on (what happened to the other?), and blanket and sling nearly falling out of my arms. I pass other mamas who have their babies snuggly dressed and carried in either a sling or tucked in their car seats. Amelia, on the other hand, is bouncing in my arms, likely cold, as I try to juggle all of these things. I head immediately to the sitting area to wrap her up, when a woman approaches me. She sits down, asks me about Amelia's age and if this is my first child. She then explains that she helps new moms feel comfortable and adjust to motherhood through a series of workshops. Clearly, I looked a mama who needed help.
Dear me. There are just way too many 'things' that come with a new baby. Its a juggling and organization act that requires practice. And the weather just throws a big kink in it all. Is she over-heated? too cold? who knows?!
Its all very humbling. And funny.
Amelia screamed most of the way to the appointment. She goes from 1 to 10 in just a few seconds, and her '10' sounds more like growling than crying. She gets MAD! I'd like to say that she inherited this trait from her daddy, but most of you have met Joe. Unlikely.
She finally fell asleep by the time we arrived at the appointment. I didn't want to carry her carseat into the building, because I wanted to use my maya sling. I couldn't get her in it, and it was pretty warm out, so I decided to just carry her in. I told myself that we could hurry in, and readjust then.
Here's what it looked like: Me, lots of bags on my arms, dressed warmly, carrying a baby in a short-sleeve onsie (yes, it's January), with only one bootie on (what happened to the other?), and blanket and sling nearly falling out of my arms. I pass other mamas who have their babies snuggly dressed and carried in either a sling or tucked in their car seats. Amelia, on the other hand, is bouncing in my arms, likely cold, as I try to juggle all of these things. I head immediately to the sitting area to wrap her up, when a woman approaches me. She sits down, asks me about Amelia's age and if this is my first child. She then explains that she helps new moms feel comfortable and adjust to motherhood through a series of workshops. Clearly, I looked a mama who needed help.
Dear me. There are just way too many 'things' that come with a new baby. Its a juggling and organization act that requires practice. And the weather just throws a big kink in it all. Is she over-heated? too cold? who knows?!
Its all very humbling. And funny.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Six weeks!
Its been six weeks with Amelia. It feels like its still November to me, because the past several weeks are a blur. Here are the highs and lows on the mamahood front as of late:
1. High: Amelia is now smiling and interacts with us much more frequently. When we wake up together in the morning, she smiles as soon as she sees me.
2. Low: the new mom hairdo that I have. I wanted an easy, no fuss cut. I ended up with a virtual helmet of hair.
3. High: Amelia likes her swing and happily stays in there, on occasion, when mama needs to use the bathroom or even take a bath.
4. Low: Still exhausted.
5. High: Amelia slept 4 hours last night! Woo-hoo!!
6. Low: The baby acne that is covering her face, scalp and even neck. She isn't very pretty these days, but it doesn't seem to be bothering her.
7. High: We had a lactation consultation today and I have more information that will help me better feed her.
8. Low: Amelia still has a cold, or at least a stuffy nose that probably bothers me more than her.
9. High: Phoebe, the cat, likes to sniff and kiss Amelia's head, and sometimes rub her scent on her. Amelia noticed Phoebe for the first time this week.
10. Low: Did I mention that I'm exhausted?
1. High: Amelia is now smiling and interacts with us much more frequently. When we wake up together in the morning, she smiles as soon as she sees me.
2. Low: the new mom hairdo that I have. I wanted an easy, no fuss cut. I ended up with a virtual helmet of hair.
3. High: Amelia likes her swing and happily stays in there, on occasion, when mama needs to use the bathroom or even take a bath.
4. Low: Still exhausted.
5. High: Amelia slept 4 hours last night! Woo-hoo!!
6. Low: The baby acne that is covering her face, scalp and even neck. She isn't very pretty these days, but it doesn't seem to be bothering her.
7. High: We had a lactation consultation today and I have more information that will help me better feed her.
8. Low: Amelia still has a cold, or at least a stuffy nose that probably bothers me more than her.
9. High: Phoebe, the cat, likes to sniff and kiss Amelia's head, and sometimes rub her scent on her. Amelia noticed Phoebe for the first time this week.
10. Low: Did I mention that I'm exhausted?
Friday, January 4, 2008
And then there are days like this...
When Amelia goes down in her swing, and I am able to enjoy a cup of coffee and breakfast, a shower, and even clean out my drawers (my husband has been putting my clothes away and let's just say there is no rhyme or reason to where things have been placed...)
Here's one thing I know to be true. Following each "bad" day, there is always a "good" day on its way. More often than not, it is the next day. The reverse is also true. Following a "good" day is, at some point, a "bad" day. Rather than allow that to depress us, we can learn to expect it. Then, when it comes, we can welcome it, knowing that a "good" day is soon to follow. And so goes the cycle.
One thing that makes all of this more than bearable is my coaching practice. I am constantly considering how to learn from the experience, and what I can apply to my coaching. It struck me that, when I boil it down, my saving grace is my purpose. Nothing is wasted, nothing is useless, nothing is for not.
Now, back to enjoying my roast beef sandwich...
Here's one thing I know to be true. Following each "bad" day, there is always a "good" day on its way. More often than not, it is the next day. The reverse is also true. Following a "good" day is, at some point, a "bad" day. Rather than allow that to depress us, we can learn to expect it. Then, when it comes, we can welcome it, knowing that a "good" day is soon to follow. And so goes the cycle.
One thing that makes all of this more than bearable is my coaching practice. I am constantly considering how to learn from the experience, and what I can apply to my coaching. It struck me that, when I boil it down, my saving grace is my purpose. Nothing is wasted, nothing is useless, nothing is for not.
Now, back to enjoying my roast beef sandwich...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
The Good, The Bad & The Ugly...
Let me offer you two very different, yet both true, perspectives on new mamahood. I'll call this the "good" and the "bad and ugly" perspectives. These are loosely based on my reality :)...
The "Good":
You wake up each morning to a precious little face, who smiles at you (ok, might be gas, but you are happy to believe its because she sees you), and is consoled by your arms, your milk, and your love. You can't believe that you created this being, yet you feel deep inside that its always been her. It just took you a long time to meet her. Your heart melts with her bird-like, feed me cry, and the way she eagerly sucks at your chin, mistaking it for your boob. You are so proud of her ~ and know that she will enrich your life beyond your imagination. You love each diaper change, even when you think you won't, because of the way she intently stares into your eyes, and flails her arms helplessly. She trusts you, and that trust is so sacred. You notice her cheek is pimply (sp?) in the spots where you are cheek to cheek so frequently. You kiss her at least a million times a day. You sniff her head over and inhale the sweet scent of babyhood. You even secretly sniff her newborn breath, and wonder if there is a better smell in the world. You miss her when you are not together, even if its for twenty minutes. You thank God for her arrival, for having a daughter, for this day. You whisper her name in her ear, and it sounds like the most beautiful name ever. Its her. You imagine every "first" that you will experience together and you can hardly wait. You slow down, though, because you know this sacred time with her will pass entirely too soon. Be in the moment, you tell yourself. You will do anything for this child. Even in exhaustion, when you curl up next to her at night, all is right. You feel fulfilled. You know this is the most important job in your life, and you will protect, nurture and love this child fiercely.
The "Bad & Ugly":
You slip away for a bath before you lose your sanity, after holding your child for what feels like 16 straight hours. You haven't had more than 2 hours of sleep at one time in weeks, and you are so darn tired. You take off your damp shirt, which is covered with spit up and milk leakage. You peer into the mirror and see a face you barely recognize. When was the last time you put any make-up on, you wonder? You get into the bath when you hear your baby cry. Sh*t. You were sure you finally got her down. You jump out of the tub, and hurry to your infant. You are thirsty. The glass of water is only 5 feet away, but your baby just fell asleep again in your arms. If you move, you will awaken her. You are too exhausted to do the dance again to put her back to sleep, and your back is a pillow of pinched nerves and knots from holding and feeding her. You are begging her to sleep in the swing for just 30 minutes. You could grab a bite to eat (after you put clothes on!) and even put the dishes away. You get her down, and grab some maternity clothes from the closet. You don't fit into your old clothes, and you are so darn sick of maternity clothes. You are shocked to discover stretch marks below your belly button. They've been there, but you couldn't see them before when your belly was round. Whose body is this anyway? You would love to get outside for fresh air, but its too frigid for the baby. Your baby wakes up again. You feed her for the umpteenth time today. You try to sling your baby so you can move more freely around the house, but she seems to hate it today. Only yesterday, you thought you had it all figured out. When is your husband coming home again??! You hurry to turn on a tv show that you swore, at one time in your life, you'd never watch. You curse the writers strike that has new episodes put on hold during the only time in your life when you're stuck indoors. You do anything but focus on the thought lingering in the back of your mind... you'll do this dance again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. You remind yourself to focus only on today.
For all the good AND the bad and ugly, I truly wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything in the world. And its also very hard. What works one day no longer seems to apply the next. I find myself offering compassion to me, too, when she is crying and I am feeling helpless. I imagine that I am soothing us both, because mamas need love, too...
Mamahood is quite funny, actually. Joe and I could tell many hilarious stories about our last five weeks together. Whoever said "don't cry over spilled milk" was clearly never a new mom. In our house, it was apple pie.
The "Good":
You wake up each morning to a precious little face, who smiles at you (ok, might be gas, but you are happy to believe its because she sees you), and is consoled by your arms, your milk, and your love. You can't believe that you created this being, yet you feel deep inside that its always been her. It just took you a long time to meet her. Your heart melts with her bird-like, feed me cry, and the way she eagerly sucks at your chin, mistaking it for your boob. You are so proud of her ~ and know that she will enrich your life beyond your imagination. You love each diaper change, even when you think you won't, because of the way she intently stares into your eyes, and flails her arms helplessly. She trusts you, and that trust is so sacred. You notice her cheek is pimply (sp?) in the spots where you are cheek to cheek so frequently. You kiss her at least a million times a day. You sniff her head over and inhale the sweet scent of babyhood. You even secretly sniff her newborn breath, and wonder if there is a better smell in the world. You miss her when you are not together, even if its for twenty minutes. You thank God for her arrival, for having a daughter, for this day. You whisper her name in her ear, and it sounds like the most beautiful name ever. Its her. You imagine every "first" that you will experience together and you can hardly wait. You slow down, though, because you know this sacred time with her will pass entirely too soon. Be in the moment, you tell yourself. You will do anything for this child. Even in exhaustion, when you curl up next to her at night, all is right. You feel fulfilled. You know this is the most important job in your life, and you will protect, nurture and love this child fiercely.
The "Bad & Ugly":
You slip away for a bath before you lose your sanity, after holding your child for what feels like 16 straight hours. You haven't had more than 2 hours of sleep at one time in weeks, and you are so darn tired. You take off your damp shirt, which is covered with spit up and milk leakage. You peer into the mirror and see a face you barely recognize. When was the last time you put any make-up on, you wonder? You get into the bath when you hear your baby cry. Sh*t. You were sure you finally got her down. You jump out of the tub, and hurry to your infant. You are thirsty. The glass of water is only 5 feet away, but your baby just fell asleep again in your arms. If you move, you will awaken her. You are too exhausted to do the dance again to put her back to sleep, and your back is a pillow of pinched nerves and knots from holding and feeding her. You are begging her to sleep in the swing for just 30 minutes. You could grab a bite to eat (after you put clothes on!) and even put the dishes away. You get her down, and grab some maternity clothes from the closet. You don't fit into your old clothes, and you are so darn sick of maternity clothes. You are shocked to discover stretch marks below your belly button. They've been there, but you couldn't see them before when your belly was round. Whose body is this anyway? You would love to get outside for fresh air, but its too frigid for the baby. Your baby wakes up again. You feed her for the umpteenth time today. You try to sling your baby so you can move more freely around the house, but she seems to hate it today. Only yesterday, you thought you had it all figured out. When is your husband coming home again??! You hurry to turn on a tv show that you swore, at one time in your life, you'd never watch. You curse the writers strike that has new episodes put on hold during the only time in your life when you're stuck indoors. You do anything but focus on the thought lingering in the back of your mind... you'll do this dance again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. You remind yourself to focus only on today.
For all the good AND the bad and ugly, I truly wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything in the world. And its also very hard. What works one day no longer seems to apply the next. I find myself offering compassion to me, too, when she is crying and I am feeling helpless. I imagine that I am soothing us both, because mamas need love, too...
Mamahood is quite funny, actually. Joe and I could tell many hilarious stories about our last five weeks together. Whoever said "don't cry over spilled milk" was clearly never a new mom. In our house, it was apple pie.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
So many firsts
Life with Amazing Amelia continues. What's amazing is how many "firsts" there are to motherhood. I feel like we've come so far in just a week. Last night, Amelia slept part of the night in a swing we borrowed from friends. I haven't been sleeping much at all, as Amelia wakes up every 1-2 hours at night. Even though we didn't get much sleep last night either (her little nose was all stuffed up), I could actually move around in the bed without worrying about waking her, and still reach over to the swing and touch her. Another first is a successful "slinging", where I was able to put away all of our Christmas decorations while she slept happily against my chest. This week, we've tried the stroller (she doesn't like it, probably because she is not being cuddled) and the baby bjorn. We've gone to Whole Foods, Starbucks and the Post Office. We've also taken a couple of baths together (definitely mama's favorite thing... she loves the water and its a very intimate, bonding experience). What is very exciting, though, is that I've moved from pjs and the couch (though I'm still in sweats and watching too much TV), and been able to make dinner, catch up on filing, mail out birth announcements and thank yous, and stay on top of the cleaning... which brings me to my next point..
It is hard for me to let go of having a very clean, organized home. If I have an hour while she is sleeping, I am much more likely to do dishes than to take a nap. In the longterm, this is probably not sustainable. I've decided that the key to being a happy mama is self-care, not home-care. This will take time, though. I like a clean, uncluttered home and am very sensitive to my environment. I sense this will be a balancing act for many years.
So, in a nutshell, if I can get more sleep, life will be even better! Happy New Year everyone. My resolution? To be more grateful for what I have, for what shows up, for what doesn't show up in my life... all of it.
It is hard for me to let go of having a very clean, organized home. If I have an hour while she is sleeping, I am much more likely to do dishes than to take a nap. In the longterm, this is probably not sustainable. I've decided that the key to being a happy mama is self-care, not home-care. This will take time, though. I like a clean, uncluttered home and am very sensitive to my environment. I sense this will be a balancing act for many years.
So, in a nutshell, if I can get more sleep, life will be even better! Happy New Year everyone. My resolution? To be more grateful for what I have, for what shows up, for what doesn't show up in my life... all of it.
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