32 Weeks...

Preparing for the Bam-Bean-O

Up until today, I had not bought a single item for the baby. Ok, ok... I did hang onto a beautiful handmade bib that I bought initially for a friend (sorry, Katie), but that was before I was even pregnant. AND, I did buy a tiny little rattle to take with me to my first ultrasound at 6 weeks. I am not superstitious, but I felt that having a baby item would somehow make the whole experience more real. Then there were the two Beatrix Potter books and a beautiful tear-jerking book titled "Someday". Other than that, however, Joe and I have felt that the baby doesn't need much initially, and we would likely be showered with gifts from our friends and family.

I went to the mall this morning to pick up a few late-pregnancy cotton shirts, and found they moved the maternity section next to the baby clothing. Very smart. I had to walk through all of these adorable baby outfits before arriving at any maternity clothes. I eyed a few outfits, though determined to stand by my "keep it simple" philosophy of not needing so many material things for a newborn child.

Eventually, though, I caved. I felt that I should be prepared for the baby to possibly arrive early. I did not have any t-shirts, or onesies, or whatever they are called, and a simple pair of sweats, or cotton pants. I was distracted by an adorable pair of newborn jeans, and then remembered that comfort was the key. I selected a few white cotton tops that were kimono-style, so that I didn't have to brave the "pull-over the softest skull ever" move immediately. I told my husband that the shirts were "daddy-proof", but then confessed that they were "mama-proof". To this day, I believe that I scarred my niece when trying to get a onesie over her tiny head. I skipped the onesie, because the snapping of the bottom seemed like yet another step in the process. I wondered if I should have socks, since the baby's feet might get cold. I considered this, and then decided that I would hold out. The sock selection was nil at best. A couple of pairs of frilly blue socks were the only newborn-3 months in the store.

I was on my way to the register when I remembered that I was also holding onto a precious, flannel hoodie and pant set in off-white. There are blue, green, yellow, and orange polkadots on the hoodie, as well as a tiny giraffe. I picked it up before any of the other items and held onto it because it was so soft and cuddly. This purchase, though, felt frivolous to me. Did the baby really need something cute to wear in his or her first days? Wouldn't my sisters-in-law likely lend me newborn clothing as needed? Oh heck, I wanted to buy my baby an outfit, and this was it.

So, up to the counter I went, when I suddenly felt a pang of "what if??" What if this baby isn't healthy, and here I am imagining my little one posing adorably in these new clothes? This is real, I thought. And this is the risk of becoming a mama, a parent. There are no guarentees, and not buying anything does not reduce the chances of a shattered heart should anything go wrong. Still, I had to pause. I thought of my dear friend, Laura, who lost her son, Luke, a beautiful baby, in the delivery. She had been awaiting him, feeling him, loving him, preparing for him... ready. Her devastation is something I can not even fathom, especially since I have now experienced pregnancy.

I realized that my "rule" about not buying anything was partially masking a fear that there may be a complication, or that everything may not check out as I hope it will. Do I truly believe that my heart will break any less if I jump in 100%? It's similar to believing that worry will somehow prepare us, when in reality it only robs us of today, and adds to our heartbreak tomorrow, should our worry come true.

So, I walked up to that counter today and bought my little bam-"bean"-o some comfy clothes. Three maternity items for me. Three baby items for the bean. Somehow, I feel more maternal simply having taken that step... and slightly more scared. This person is really, truly arriving soon in whatever shape or condition she or he is in. This baby will shake up my world in ways that I can not yet imagine. And s/he will look so very cute in the new polka-dot outfit :).

Next Stop: A 3-day Driving Adventure

I am writing from my sister's apartment in downtown Chicago. Last Friday, my husband called me from work to share that his company was looking for someone to drive a car from Chicago back to Boston. He knew how much I wanted to visit my sister, and I've asked him to consider me next time an interesting trip arose. His company pays for the flight, accomodations and also a generous amount for the hours spent driving. I took him up on this immediately. I have two more months of being able to be truly spontaneous and just "up and go". So, here I am...

When Joe told a co-worker, the co-worker seemed puzzled that Joe would "let" his wife make this drive 7 months pregnant. His co-worker clearly has not met me, and does not know my hunger for either an adventure or a challenge! Nor does he appreciate that there is no "letting" me do or not do anything, unless that allowing comes from me.

I begin my drive at 3pm-ish today, and am headed for Cleveland. Tomorrow's drive will be about 8 hours to the Albany area, and then a shorter (5 hours?) drive home on Wednesday. I have stocked up on books-on-cd, old coaching skill cds, ipod music, and a fully charged cell phone. We are headed to Whole Foods to stock up on healthy (and some just plain delicious) snacks and water. And then I'm off!

It may sound crazy to say that I am looking forward to this time on the road alone. Ever since having started on my own professionally, I have had an abundance of me-time, and can even feel isolated on some days. Yet, this adventure is tapping into a nostalgic part of me - the Erin who drove around Ireland alone for 6 days looking for a place to get married, the Erin who headed off to Costa Rica for a 3-week volunteer experience to live with strangers, the part of me that I must continue to honor long after little children want all of my attention. This journey is honoring an important value of mine - adventure.

So, here goes!

The Emmy's!!

Wow! I am coming down from an amazing weekend at the Emmy's in LA. My mother-in-law somehow managed to get tickets for six of us ~ all female in-laws of mine. We stayed in a hotel with many of the stars, and were giddy with excitement. We were next to Tony Bennett and Barbara Walters in our cabana by the pool. Here's something that most pregnant women can relate to: there is nothing that draws more attention than pregnancy. I find that so many people, especially men, congratulate me and ask me questions about when I'm due, etc. One of those men was Billy Baldwin. I will admit that I got quite a kick out of that, even though I'm not a huge Baldwin brothers' fan. I also spoke to Felicity Huffman yesterday morning about her movie, TransAmerica, and she asked about my pregnancy, due date, etc. There were several other stars that we saw up close and personal, such as Alec Baldwin, Mariska Hargarity (sp?), William H. Macy, Marcia Cross, a Soprano's star whose name I forget, and, actually, I already forget who else?! The highlight of the weekend was most definitely walking the red carpet on our way into the Emmy's. Oh, and Sally Fields giving an acceptance speech about how moms should rule the world!!! (Note: the attached photo is not Emmy night. Its the evening beforehand; I actually do not have a picture of us in our Emmy clothes)

My first visit with our midwife

Yesterday, our midwife, Kelley, and her apprentice, Gina, came over for my first pre-natal check-up. The difference between this visit and my former doctor visits is remarkable. When I went in for OBGYN check-ups, they would check the basics (blood pressure, weight, sugar levels, baby's heartbeat), ask if I have any questions, and show me the door, all within less than 25 minutes. I would answer the question "Do you have any questions?" with a "Yes, what questions should I be asking at this stage of my pregnancy??" Needless to say, the discussions were usually rather short.

Yesterday, my visit looked quite different. I sat at our dining room table with Kelley and Gina, talking about my hopes, fears, health history, pregnancy symptoms, etc. There was no rush, except on my end, because I needed to leave for a board meeting. They checked my sugar levels (and likely something else I've forgotten), blood pressure, baby's heart beat, baby's positioning, and reflexes. An hour and a half after they arrived, I said goodbye to Kelley and received a warm hug.

My next visit will also be in our home, which feels like quite a treat. I e-mail her in the meantime with any questions that I have. I feel truly supported. The best part, though, was seeing Kelley relate to our baby, even though s/he is still in utero. When Kelley was feeling for positioning, the baby was kicking and moving about, as if in protest. I could see how much love Kelley has for her babies, and I felt grateful that my baby will be delivered by a woman who will treat him or her with gentleness, love and respect.

NOW, I am off to the Emmy's in two days for the thrill of a lifetime. Look for me on the red carpet... I will be the one making a casual statement in pants and a shirt. If that doesn't help, look for a big belly!

Photo from a few weeks ago...

This photo was taken at my mom's Cape house. I had not done my hair that evening, but you can see what I mean about pregnancy (and humidity) having affected my curls. Anyways, that evening was the one I wrote about in "In Love", where the baby was so active.

Here I am

Yesterday, I realized how joyful I was feeling as I went about my day. I felt so grateful to be exactly where I was in life, and incredibly excited about what's to come. Today, I went out for a long walk and noticed the leaves beginning to change color. Change is in the air. A new season is here.

Fall has always been my favorite time of year. Growing up, I would greatly anticipate the start of school, a new soccer season, the approach of the holidays, etc. I associate the fall with coziness, nesting, family, activity, and celebration. We were married in early November, and I was born in November. Now, our baby is due in November.

It seems no coincidence, but rather a blessing, that I am entering my last trimester as the season begins to change. I can feel the nesting urges coming upon me. (I spent yesterday cleaning and organizing the basement and 3rd floor). There is a great transition occuring simultaneously with me as with nature. I am clearing out the old as I welcome the new. When I see the leaves becoming red at the edges, I think "It's almost here, Erin. You've been waiting for this forever..."

When I found out I was pregnant in March (and only 2-weeks pregnant at the time), the fall seemed ages away. The stretch from March until September has felt long with my days feeling spacious. Now, suddenly, it seems that there is much to be done and festivities abound. I am hosting a 98th birthday party for Joe's Pa Pa, Thanksgiving for his family, and even heading out to LA to walk the red carpet for the Emmy's... I am looking forward to a second baby shower and two weekends with my mom in Western Mass. To me, these weekends are sacred. I have always loved one-on-one time with my mom, and our talks and long meals. I asked her the other day if she feels a sadness about my transition to motherhood, as her oldest daughter. She did not; She felt that I had lived well in my 20's and early 30's, and is ready to now experience me as a mom. For me, each change is felt at a core level right now. There is a letting go, a welcoming, a need to acknowledge and mark these endings and beginnings.

Last night, as I went over our autumn weekend plans with Joe, he looked at me wide-eyed. We only had one free weekend together over the next two months. It momentarily overwhelmed him. I smiled at him and said, "This is it, Joe. This is life."

That's how I feel right now. I feel all of the anticipation of fall as I begin my new journey... mamahood. The worries from only last week (how will I attend to my business once the baby arrives?) seem to have temporarily dissipated. I want now to notice each and every change around me, so as not to miss anything. There is much to be done, and yet nothing to be solved anymore. In a way, I feel that I have arrived. I have come to learn that it is really a sign of a new beginning.

I've been showered!

This weekend, my husband's family hosted a baby shower for me in Connecticut. (There is a picture attached of me with my mother-in-law (Lynn), aunt-in-law (Joan), and sister-in-law (Julie). It was a terrific weekend and very exciting to celebrate the impending birth. We came home with all of our goodies, and I cried when Joe played the musical lamb ("hush little baby... mama's gonna buy you..."). I couldn't believe that our baby will really be here soon.