The time has come...

To end this blog. I have created a separate blog for Amelia's development and perspective of the world. Also, I have decided to create a new blog that I am inviting other women to join. Its www.consciousmamas.blogspot.com . My hope is that other women will post comments, share questions, etc. My other intention is to share my coaching perspectives and insights, to tie it into my greater purpose.

So, thank you to all of you who read, enjoyed and contributed to this blog. Its been a wonderful, therapeutic journey for me.

Best wishes & please check out my new blog.

Erin

New Blog

Hi friends,
I started a new blog this week ~ www.adventuresofamazingamelia.blogspot.com. This way, all of our family and friends can tune into her growth and adventures from near or far. I will post lots of pics and share what's new in our world. I will keep this blog going, too. Its a healthy outlet for me to journal my adventures in mamahood.

To be or not to be...

There is a lot of buzz these days about "attachment parenting". Basically, its the general term for lots of closeness with your baby ~ holding, wearing, sleeping. Its what we've chosen so far with Amelia. We came to a point a few weeks ago, however, where we began to reassess what is truly best for us, as a family and individually. We came to the conclusion that we needed to make some changes.
I remember walking with another mama when Amelia was barely two months old. She commented on how she had not been out (baby-free) for more than 2 or 3 hours on her own since her child's birth - 7 months ago. We talked about the choices we were making, and she said that she did not want to be a martyr. This style of parenting has its consequences. I didn't think much of that comment in the moment, but reflected on it weeks later, when I was feeling too tired for much of anything, except complaining to Joe. I found myself saying "I'm so exhausted, Amelia just isn't a good sleeper..."
Was that true? Or was it a combination of our choices and Amelia's stage of development??
I had to ask myself "What is truly best for Amelia?? What does she need?"
One thing I concluded is that Amelia needs a well-rested, energetic mom. Oh, and sleep. I weighed the benefits of co-sleeping and having her sleep in her sling (strong bonding and attachments, security...) with developing good sleep habits (well-rested, able to soothe self). Not an easy decision for many of us mamas who want to choose the most compassionate approach.
Ultimately, we chose to introduce Amelia to her crib, and to see sleep as the foundation for her growth and happiness. We still hold and love her when she's awake, and we check in on her frequently when she's in her crib. Low and behold, Amelia has been napping better and better each day, and seems more rested and mellow when she is awake.
Still, its hard being a mama, and making choices when some are poised as "good" and others as "bad" or "neglectful". I believe every new mom needs to assess for herself what works for her child, self and family. And the labels (i.e. "attachment parenting") only make it more confusing, in my opinion, because there are so many varying degrees of bonding, loving and raising a child.
Am I an attachment parenting mama? To some degree. I am also realizing the value of creating a structure within which Amelia can thrive. (Oh, and that is not exclusive of tons of love and fun within that!)

'Mama said there will be days like this...'

Sleep. If someone asked me what one thing eludes me most these days and undermines my confidence with motherhood at times, it is sleep. Amelia has been our velcro baby from day one. She loves to sleep in our arms, travel in our arms, be in our arms. She could hang there for hours on end and be a very content, happy babe. Her temperament is more on the demanding spectrum, though only slightly so. To a large degree, we consciously chose an attachment parenting style for her first "tri-mester" out of the womb. I talked to lots of mamas, read quite a bit, and decided that it most closely matched our values. We mirror much of how the greater world approaches parenthood, with a focus more on bonding and less on convenience. That being said, if I knew then what I know now, would I approach sleep the same way? I'm really not sure. Take today, for example. Amelia is now 14 weeks old, and her day time naps are 20 - 45 minutes in length. She is very alert for most of the day, and can fool her grandparents and other adorers into thinking she doesn't need sleep. Oh, how much she does. Today, I decided to focus solely on her sleeping. I am making it my full-time job for the day. No other concerns. No interferences. I even asked Joe to cancel our visitors for this evening. Nothing will get in the way of me helping Amelia get some rest. For all but one hour (our 10:30 - 11:30 am walk), Amelia has been put to sleep in her crib continuously, and I've rocked her probably 20 times, put her down, repeat, etc.. After several hours of this, I silently cried while I rocked her, and felt like the world's lousiest mama.
There are many books out there that offer differing advice about sleep. I've read three of them, and see the pros and cons in each approach. Still, there is a balance that I am seeking, and it eludes me.
I know the most important task at hand is to choose one approach and work it. To commit, even if I don't have the rest of the "plan" worked out yet. In the meantime, I plan to stay close to home for the next several days, or weeks, until we get through this.
All this being said, I am grateful for this "ordinary" day. I was thinking today of a wonderful friend of mine, Karyn, who passed away after being quadraplegic from a car accident. We used to talk about how, at any time, one of us could get hit by bus, and life changes suddenly. Horrifically, her life changed forever when she was left without use of any body part below her neck. She died four years later from complications from a surgery. She was the most beautiful woman I knew, and her memory inspires me to grasp, and celebrate, the ordinary days.
(Later day update: Amelia slept TWO HOURS in her crib!!!)

The 3 month mark

A week ago, we passed the 3 month mark. This is the point where many mamas say goodbye to their babes and head back to work. It mystifies me how they do this, mostly because Amelia and I don't yet have a groove or schedule that I could pass down to anyone. On one hand, I am itching to get back to work. I find myself creating new programs in my mind as I play with Amelia, and realize how re-engaging in work will allow me to be more present when I'm with her. It will give me an outlet and also the structure (i.e. play time with Amelia vs. work time). At the same time, I am still figuring this mamahood stuff out. I have delayed getting a babysitter, because we are just getting Amelia to nap in her crib, rather than in our arms. Today, for example, only one attempt was successful.
Like most things in life, I imagine that having a deadline for starting work would speed up our learning process. I could continue to delay my attempts to find a schedule without a very compelling reason to do so. (BTW, is this making sense or have I lost you??)
Amelia and I took a trip to the local Whole Foods today, per usual. She was snuggled under my jacket when we passed another mama with a wide-eyed babe. I commented on how beautiful her baby was, asked her age, and then asked how the mama was doing. She looked at me and said "She is five months old and its just starting to get easier. There were days when I didn't think I could do this another day..." We exchanged a few stories of exhaustion and understanding, and went about our shopping trip. For those two minutes though, I felt completely understood. This is hard, because it is an abrupt life change and never before have I had to be so patient during trying circumstances. Patience doesn't come easily for me. I work hard at it.
Meanwhile, my favorite show is "Jon & Kate Plus 8" on TLC. This woman is amazing. She is raising twin girls (8) and sextuplets (3). She is organized, creative, conscious (organic food, budgeting, etc.), and somehow has managed to create a profession out of being a mom. If you haven't tuned in for an episode, I recommend that you do. Oh, and she doesn't even try to feign perfection.
Truth be told, I want at least three more children. I hope its in our cards...

Sunny Florida ~ Amelia's first plane trip

We just returned from 8 days in Florida, where we visited my in-laws. Oh, the sun, the warmth, the palm trees, the quiet, the pool... What are we doing living in frigid Massachusetts, anyways?
Amelia has grown and changed by leaps and bounds. She found her voice, and she uses it very frequently! She is a chatty little girl with a lot to say. She also uses her voice to get my attention, and squeals when I am not giving her enough.
There are so many topics that I want to write about, but I have about two minutes before Amelia squeals for a feeding. I'll start here - the range of emotions as a mother is incredible. From the most intense love to worry about every little thing that I want to protect Amelia from...
What's on my mind right now is being a role model for Amelia. I want to show her what it looks like to be a woman who is compassionate first and foremost with herself, so that it spills over to others. A woman who doesn't judge her beauty or worth by her size or looks. Enough with being thin, or focusing on flawlessness everybody (no pun intended)!!! Oh, if only I could put her in a bubble and protect her from this flawed, though wonderful, world.
For now, though, I am deeply in love with Amelia. She has turned my world upside down.

The many moods of Amelia!

The "Transition" - Do or Die

The relative success of my days has come down to one thing these days - the transition of Amelia's sleeping body from my arms to any stationary object (i.e. her basket, our bed, the non-moving swing). Yesterday, I went 0 for 6. That means that I swaddled, rocked, sshhhhed, kissed, whispered Amelia to sleep six times, waiting until she was in a seemingly deep sleep (i.e. 20 minutes), and then tip-toed upstairs to gently lay her down. All the while, visions of blogging with a cup of coffee, or putting the breakfast dishes away, were dancing in my foggy head. Alas, all six times, I had barely turned around before Amelia let out her rhaspy cry. Back to the beginning. Repeat. Not to mention that Joe was on a business trip yesterday, and we were alone until this evening. So, no relief. We did go out to dinner with my sister and a friend to celebrate Chinese New Year, though Amelia was not too happy about being out. She has a strong dislike of her carseat. (Meanwhile, I realized at the restaurant that I had lost all modesty as I breast fed her there with my tattered shirt, but I digress...) The evening ended with cops in our house at 4 a.m. because I swore I heard someone downstairs. I am embarassed to admit that I must have been over-tired and reacting to my next door neighbor's break-in (in the attached duplex) that happened mid-day when we were home a few weekends ago. Again, I digress...
Today, however, I went 3 for 4 with successful sleep transitions. Those three successes meant about 75 precious minutes of arms-free and quiet me-time!
At a "new mom's drop-in" today, we all shared our stories of transition and the sneaky ways we go about separating from our babies while they sleep.
Meanwhile, there are a few times each day when I do not even attempt the transition. Its usually during a good tv show when I don't mind sitting still, and I give into the sweet experience of snuggling, sniffing her breath (isn't that a strange fascination of mine??), and kissing her cheeks.

Where to begin?

I went for a baby-free walk today, and began to ponder the questions that have been ruminating in my mind for the past several weeks. Where to begin?? Before Amelia arrived, I had a vision in my mind of returning to my career after three months, and leaving Amelia in the care of a capable and loving nanny. There are so many factors, though, that need to be accounted for, incuding our finances (I need to invest in my business since I'm self-employed, and also cover child-care before regular income is earned), where to find such nanny, my comfort leaving Amelia in someone's care here, getting Amelia to take a bottle, and getting her to sleep on her own!! All of this is yet to be sorted through, and then there are the larger questions of how much do I want to work?, and what will it take to be self-employed and a mom? It would be easier to return to a 'corporate' job, or anywhere that paid me regularly and provided the work up front!

No answers yet, just questions. Today, my challenge is decided what to do with Amelia's sleep and feeding schedule. Its a bigger challenge than I anticipated!!

Vaccinations

Amelia is scheduled for her first shot this afternoon. Before meeting a remarkable group of mamas that have challenged me to research and question "routine" baby care in this country, I would only have concerned myself with Amelia's shock and momentary pain of receiving a shot. However, after reading "The Vaccine Book" by Dr. Sears, Joe and I are feeling concerned about the ingredients of each vaccine. I wasn't aware that there was aluminum (and no research on how much is too much and thus possibly causing neurological harm to babies), or cow blood, etc. As we educated ourselves on the 5 recommended shots for 2 months old (we skipped Hep B at birth), we reluctantly chose 2 vaccines today. If the doctor doesn't carry the brand of vaccine with less aluminum, we will ask him to order it and reschedule.

I feel that we've chosen a cautious, but responsible, route for us. I very much understand parents declining vaccines altogether. If there is a concern for the health and safety of their child, they need to be empowered to make that choice. There is an argument about social and moral responsibility to erradicate disease altogether. Personally, I don't believe that parents should inject ingredients that they feel are harmful into their children for the sake of the greater good. The moral responsibiliity lies in the drug companies creating vaccines that are safe and well-tested.

For us, our decision down to whether diseases were common, treatable, and severe, and also looking at the ingredients and side effects. I still do not feel comfortable vaccinating, but I feel slightly less comfortable not vaccinating at all. We are going to only do one or two at a time, and skip some vaccines that do not seem worth the risk.

Ignorance really is, momentarily, bliss. I know that I will worry about Amelia's reaction to the immunization, and be carefully watching her. Its very much like circumcision. Until I took the time to read about it, watch a video, and educate myself on the reasons for it (vs. the "justifications" for it...), I would not have thought twice if we had given birth to a boy. Now, I can't imagine choosing to cut a piece of my son's penis off, with no way to numb the pain, for no good reason (even the Pediatric Association does not recommend it any longer, but rather has "no recommendation".) I should save my thoughts on this for another posting...

Anyways, we are off to the doctor very soon, and I am feeling anxious about it. Amelia is awake, so signing off...